Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Question

Really tired today...I didn't sleep well. First S woke up crying and acting like he was going to get sick. He then went to the bathroom, but didn't sleep well the rest of the night (that was at 10 pm...) I had a lot of vivid dreams. I can remember a few, but others I can't. I just remember they were all different and weird. Now I am just exhausted.

I went off on H last night because I was tired of the stupidness. He never answered one of my questions because I now know that he was with OW yesterday and probably all weekend since her H was out of town (heard that on the news this morning, bad part of him having a job that is told about on the news). He said he wanted to take me out to dinner tonight, but I said no, then he said he wanted to make dinner and mow for me because i deserve to have a day off. I agreed to dinner, but the mowing I do with S and we enjoy it, but right now I am thinking I don't want him at my house. It is no longer his house...it will be a year that he moved out of OW's house and into "his" house on the 28th. I have lived in my house alone for over a year. It looks awesome and that is all because of me, not him so I don't want him there to taint it. I don't know if I am just angry about yesterday or just through with his stupidness, but I don't feel like ever seeing him again. MIL yesterday asked if S and I would do pizza on Friday so we are, and FIL talked about S going over to their house during the summer and I said probably, but never any mention of H. It was all very weird and I fear that if he comes over I am going to start a conversation about R, and I don't feel like talking to him. He is a scumbag and whatever...

Not sure what to do....

You know, it's hard b/c I'm always an optimist and always think the best of people, but H is being ridiculous! Before I've always suggested to give H the benefit of doubt or one more chance to hear him out, but I don't think you have to anymore, especially if you don't want to. I think you would be completely in the right to keep him out of your house. No matter what is going on between the two of you, you are still the mother of his child and of all the holiday's, this is the one he should have acknowledged. You are an awesome mother and he should appreciate all you've done to raise such a great S. But it's not just about ignoring mother's day, the fact that he was with OW again all weekend, despite his professions of love, change and therapy, I guess at some point enough is enough. If you do talk to him (which I'm sure it will come up), just make sure you try to stay cool, calm, and matter of fact. As much as you want to (and he deserves to) have his head chewed off, just be straightup about why he can't come over to YOUR house anymore.

For S's sake, I think it's important to keep that relation going with his other grandparents (so doing pizza, going over in the summer, etc). And so sorry to hear how exhausted you are. Hope S is feeling better so that you both can get some good sleep tonight!

I'd turn down dinner as well. If it were my STBXW offering I might say yes because there is no OM in the picture.

In your case, it's just him trying to string you along.

You apparently have a good relationship with the in-laws. It's just a MIL left for me and she's OK, but I wouldn't do anything with her or any of STBXW's family.

To me, if STBXW is divorcing me, they all are divorcing me.

I don't think the in-laws want him to D me, which is why the lump in FIL's throat. He loves me (only daughter) and S so it would be hard on them to leave me, but I don't have any idea what H is planning.

I did get an e-mail about 20 minutes ago said he is sick and had a bad day so I told him to not come, but who knows if he will show up still. It is always something and at this point I am so over him it really doesn't matter to me.

Well the downward spiral hit...H was sick so didn't come for dinner. I didn't care so I mowed and did some yardwork. Then I go to make dinner and...the oven did not work. It won't light or do anything. I called H to see if he had any idea about what I should do. He figured out some stuff, but ultimately I need to call a repairman to come and fix it. It is 15 years old so worse case senario I will have to buy a new one, which I can afford however that was money that I finall saved to D. Every time I save the money...something big breaks or something so is God trying to tell me to hold off? I doubt it, but it just urks me.

H talked to me for a bit on the phone about his job and how things are going well for him and ....
I kept trying to cut it short, but couldn't so finally after I hear him planning and planning for his job next year I asked about his living arrangement for this summer (in 3 weeks) and he said as always "i don't know". I then quickly said good bye and after about 20 minutes everything hit me and I just cried and cried. I am so tired of having no one to help me when I need help. I am tired of being the strong one all the time. I kept typing out mean texts to H and then erasing them because I was so angry.

Finally I did text H a question, "do you ever get tired of our relationship?" As always I get the usual with every question "I don't know." then he asked if I did. I told him I do and get more and more tired of it every day. He then said how he understands that I think he never thinks about me and has no responsibilities, while I do everything. He said that he understands that I am mad about him not doing anything for me over the weekend. I said I just want more. I want someone who will be here with me everyday to help me when I am weak. He said that he feels that I don't love him anymore. I said that I still love him, but there is so much more I need to tell him. If I have time between everything else going on, I might send him an e-mail. I doubt it, but I might. I am just so tired of his stupidness and selfishness. I have so much building up inside of me about how mad I am and disappointed I am and so much more that one day it will all have to come out. I have always been kind and considerate to him because that is who I am, and I don't want to ruin any chances, but are there really any chances left? Do I really love him? Do I really want to keep hearing "I don't know" from him the rest of my life?

The answer every question but the middle one is NO. The Do I love him, I don't know. I believe love is a choice especially the type of love the holds a marriage together through these tough times, but I don't know if I want to choose to love him. I knew a low was coming...so here it is...plus it is rainy today and my allergies have flared up, and now...THE OVEN!

I will get over this down just like the others and actually last night I kept telling myself, you have a great house, a great S (who kept trying to give the oven water to fix it lol), a great bunch of friends, a great life. Who needs him? But for some reason I just can't kick him to the curb, probably because I still do love him and am scared that he won't try to stop me so I will have a failed marriage and although I know I tried, it still is a failure to me and I hate to fail.

Wow, you pulled out the words right out of my mouth. This is something I was really thinking alot about last night and this morning. I was asking myself 2 questions - 1) Why am I fighting for the M? The honest answer - S! 2)But why do I feel so sad and miss H and want him to be my H? It was harder to answer that one. I think you're right that it's a love that chooses to love, because they definitely don't deserve it. I was actually thinking about all the awful things he's done to me just so I wouldn't have to feel the sadness. But that's the paradox, why do we still pursue them? Is it love? Not wanting to fail? Religion? I'm note sure.

I guess I don't the answers on all these questions but I do understand where you're at and share your sentiments. And I'm with you too - I am getting VERY tired of the "I don't knows". Why it is such a hard decision to chose your family is completely beyond me!

I'm so sorry your going thru a difficult time though, but just try to continue to focus on all those good things in your life, especially S. And I think you need to do what's best for you too - if it will help you to write out an email to H so that this all won't eat you live inside, then that would be a good part of the healing process. H continues to be a disappointment, but at least the one good thing I can say with your conversation yesterday, is that it seems like he finally understands your frustrations about having to do everything while he does nothing. Now if only he would take some action on that!

I forgot to add that he ended by saying he loves me more now than he has in the past year. What does that mean?

I am calling a couple of repair places after work and hopefully they can come out to fix the oven for pretty cheap so I don't have to buy a new one.

It has been raining all day so that completely stinks, especially because S wants to go for a bike ride.

The oven is fixed! and for 1/2 the price of a new one! Crisis over.

I just saw a friend's FB status and it totally rang true: "Words mean a lot and may bring tears. However, actions speak louder." I don't know what H meant by his comment, but if that really is the case and not just his feable attemp to reel you back in, then it's time for some action behind those words! I know you already know that but I also know how easy it is to fall for it. If he really was sincere, give him the opportunity to show it, but he has to be the one putting himself out there to prove it to you.

Great news on the oven!

awest, write that email. Just my gut feeling. You may get some answers, I doubt it, but you may. Either way, bottling up your emotions for too long isnt good. As long as you dont expect him to come to your doorstep with remorse, do it as a purely selfish act. I did that a few times.
Hugs