Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers WAS attitude upon return

Now I'm only a noob, so feel free to ignore, but is your answer right there?

Not sure if that is the appropriate action at this point.

Seems to me you are doing what you blame her of doing.


Why do you expect to have a different W to return home?

What should I be saying to her sandi2 when she asks why I have faith that this can come back together? I don't believe she is ready to throw in the towel. I've tried to avoid these conversations, but sometimes she brings them up. She doesn't believe there is hope (or at least admit to it), but I want to at least show that there is hope.

I will say that things are improving, but I keep shooting myself in the foot. I've tried so hard to become a better person, to learn all that I can, but lately I've been questioning whether I've hit my ceiling. Things seem so much more complicated now that these topics are being discussed.

The strange thing is that she actually seems more upbeat for days after we have one of these conversations. She has acknowledged change in me, and that really likes the person I have become. It just bothers her that she doesn't have that sexual attraction yet. She usually admits to very little. Patience, patience, patience. So hard, unless you are off doing your own things. Keep busy.

[quote=AtTheEnd?]What should I be saying to her sandi2 when she asks why I have faith that this can come back together? She doesn't believe there is hope (or at least admit to it), but I want to at least show that there is hope.

I wouldn't give her the reassurance. In fact, I would do the opposite. I would validate that she feels like there is no hope and the YOU'VE reached the point that you don't want to be with a woman who doesn't want to 100% be with you.




[quote=AtTheEnd?]The strange thing is that she actually seems more upbeat for days after we have one of these conversations.

Why wouldn't she be? You've reassured her, you've proven to her that she still has her hooks into you and that she can continue to string you along and drag this out.

I know that there are different methods to DBing, and the most important one is to take care of yourself first, but for the first time in a year, she is actually talking about the house as ours. There are glimpses of a future together. She talks about upgrades to our home, including what project to take on next. It just hasn't come together yet. I don't want to apply unnecessary pressure in order to get this together. Every time pressure is applied, including validation and telling her that I'm alright with whatever decision she makes, she reacts badly. Every time I continue to be supportive and loving unconditionally, she see's the person she wants to be with, and reacts positively. I just wish I could get over this last hurdle, but I suppose it's just going to take more time. One year and counting. I never imagined I could make it this far, but I did, and in many ways I'm thankful for it. My life has changed for the better in every way, except for one, and I'm hoping that just takes a little more time.

The first thing I would suggest is to stop trying to convince her that the M will work. You see, from what I have read on this board since I came here three years ago, is that LBH's try to convince their WAW's by "talking". That doesn't work with her. You have to "show" her by your actions. I'm speaking of being a confident man (b/c women are drawn to that) and by being a strong leader over his family (by strong, I don't mean controlling....there's a difference) and by not behaving like an old married person (if you know what I mean by that).

You will need to do things that would seem to be exactly opposite of what you "think" or "feel" but it works. Do what is right and what works.....not what your emotions dictate.

I'm going to send a list of Do's & Don'ts that I hope will give you an idea of how you can start acting. You may have to fine tune some things as you progress.

I also want to point out that one reason she resents you "agreeing" with whatever she says is b/c that represents a passive man and normal women do not like passive men and it's very hard to respect a passive man. She wants to respect you, but a W will test her H to see if he earns (and maybe even demand) that respect. We'll talk more about that later.

Here's the list:

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls to him/her.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to him/her through
conversation.....say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, etc.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. (Remember, you are drawing him/her back with this technique.)
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.)
8. Do not buy gifts. (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together. (That is pursuing.)
10.Do not spy on spouse. (Not good for you and will make
matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make him/her say it too......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act as if you are moving on with your life!
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times!
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do
things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the
conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be scarce or short on words. If he/she asks what's wrong....just
say "nothing". Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an
argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home!
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!)
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around, somebody that is attractive and fun.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let him/her trap you into a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how he/she feels (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.)
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give him/her space and time.
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what
you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.