Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Completely Blindsided

Totally agree with LR.
I would even miss a call or two to make her wonder where you might be.

B, I know what you mean about DB being a "get over it" method.
In one way it is, but that's not the main concept I think?
I took it as "don't be codependent, be YOU, you should be ok w or w/o your S, it's ok to want someone but not NEED".
I mean, a spouse is like a spice in cooking, they are not the food itself. Food (life) can be more delicious if we have them but we can still cook nice food w/o... if you know what I mean?

We get so used to having our S with us, with M it feels as if our R is sealed and concrete... but really it's not isn't it, there is no guarantee.

When I was away from my home country, I glorified it and in my head it was nicer than it actually is, partly because I thought I will never be able to come home to settle.
But when I realized that I actually have a choice to be wherever, it quickly became boring... same old, same old. It took me a good 2 months of almost NC to feel this way.
It requires a lot of energy to live in a foreign country and you need be emotionally stable, otherwise it's a bit much to even think about.

I don't think you've totally lost her if she's calling you every week? It seems more like she's checking if you are still hanging around for her. If you confirm her, she'll know she's still got you and won't miss you.

It's so hard to detach isn't it... my heart was literally skipping a beat or two so often!
I calmed down a bit when I started reading self-help books on relationships and the difference between men&women. I read them for myself, to have a better R with anyone.
Also reading as many stitches as possible here helped me detach more, how they unfold might be very different but there is a strong similarity and it's a great insight into how our minds work, no matter what stages of M.

I'm sure there are many things you looked forward to once you're back in Oz? How about entering into City2Surf marathon if that's where you are?

B, you want to be w someone who chooses to be w you, not "forced". whether it's going to be her or not we'll see...
Also, as the vets say, silently give yourself a time frame. For now I'm giving mine 12 months... going along with Oz M law.

I hope tomorrow will be a nice day, sending you positive waves fr across the globe!

((()))

Well I've been in piecing since december last year, my H moved back and we are trying to put things back together, not terribly easy as it turnd out he had depression and also busy job hunting!

Try and read as many threads on here as you can, my first one is in newcomers called thirty years something! Also look for rocked/ruled worlds post, there are people on here who got their spouses to come home but it's hard work!

Enjoy your weather over there if it makes you feel better it's turned wintery over here in the uk again! Blooming freezing!

It is about

Moon: It's weird, I've never really seen myself as co-dependent. I've always said "I love you and I want you, but I don't NEED you". I have my own hobbies, interests and friends, and I actively pursue them all...

What I've done now instead is find some goals that we didn't necessarily share and have started pursing them.

My dancing is about to take a phenomenal leap forwards. I have some very serious goals and I am going to achieve them... no matter how unrealistic they seem - watch this space for more.

I'm even looking into finally getting some ink - I haven't noticed this on threads around here... these are things I've wanted for years. W likes the idea enough, but it's something very personal to me. Is this common for people in our sitch?

Detaching sounds like a very hard thing. I definitely understand the impact that cutting short/skipping calls could have... it's just hard to commit to. Not only is she my wife, she's my best friend. I'm finding I'm going out and seeing people a lot, but I keep wanting to share the experience with her.... I keep turning to say something that will make her giggle... only to remember that she's not there.

Actually being back here makes me feel almost like I'm waking up from a dream... like the last 10 years never happened, and I'm still the young man living with my parents. It's all very surreal.

And yeah... I want to be with someone who chooses me, not is talked into accepting me. The last few nights going out and about I've had a fair bit of attention... even being called "Bloody Gorgeous!" by a young lady. Nice for the self esteem, but not what I need right now.

I'll give the shorter calls a try.

Rabbit: I'm really happy for you that your H is back. I want to hold out hope that the same thing will happen to me, but I'm coming to the revelation to this is more than likely it.... and I have to start living for me, hoping that she's coming back won't do anything for me.

I've had a long look through the threads, spending a lot of my time lurking here rather than posting. I've not gone on to the Rocked/Ruled posts yet... I'll go and have a look at them soon.

Winter has hit Aus now, but at least it's warmer than an English Autumn. The sun helps a bit... as much as sun can in this type of sitch.

Way to go B!

You might have read them already but a good thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1999008&page=1

article which was recommended in another thread
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

When I was recently told I have a polyp which could be malignant (thankfully it wasn't), my mind went blank then I thought: I'm not going to spend any more days feeling so sad and sorry for myself, life is too short.
I'm sure I made myself literally sick with all these... what's more important than staying healthy mentally and physically?

It's difficult that my H and I no longer have a home that we share, but what it is is what it is... I refuse to focus on the negatives too much now.

There are things I've always wanted to do as well, so I'm trying to focus on that.
And a good cry every now and then... apparently it's the best way to de-stress, when you cry more oxygen flows into your brain which makes you feel better... this is from a documentary where they monitored the brain. Exercise/ laughter are good too they said.

Thanks Moon,

I'd seen the first thread earlier this evening, but I haven't read the link yet... getting on to that next.

I'm trying to stay active. It's been pretty hard, as in the last 10 years, most people I know have left town.... and everyone still here has their own lives that I'm trying to reintegrate into.

It means I've got some things to do from time to time.... but then I get days like today. It's mother's day in aus... and my parents wanted to spare me awkward family moments, so set up a 1-1 lunch for themselves with my nan.... good in some ways, bad in others, as it left me in the house with only my mind as company.

I'm an over thinker at the best of times, but at the moment I feel like I'm training for the olympics!

SO.... I got out and went for a walk... again, too much time thinking.... so I made the walk a challenge....

I ended up running up a hill through dense scrub and nearly breaking my neck several times. To get up and back down took a bit over 4 1/2 hours, and has left me physically drained. I've rewarded myself and said that I don't need to do my squats tonight (in part because I don't think I could even if I wanted to!).

But now it's night again, and that's the hardest time. The solo, dark, quiet time where there really is nothing you can do. I've missed her a lot this weekend... but I guess that's to be expected. I'm really trying for the PMA... just sometimes are much easier than others.

I don't know how everyone else does it... and I've got a load of people telling me I'm doing great!? Weird how when people tell you that, all you think of is how terrible you feel.

I've always been terrible at crying. I'm trying to get better and allow my emotions to flow... I've also been told that It's healthy... both the oxygen, plus some endorphins that make you feel better... but they don't always come.

Weird. I posted before feeling chipper but having done nothing... now I'm exhausted from doing stuff, but feeling very down.

Oh well, no one said we had to like the sitch we find ourselves in, just that we have to deal with it.

Tomorrow is another day.

OK, the run up a mountain has really drained me.

I've woken up this morning absolutely wiped... physically and emotionally.

I'm trying to commit myself to a dance class tonight, but I also don't want to fall apart while there. This is stupid.

Anyone with hints and tips on how to stay busy/sane are invited to post... please!

Sorry for anyone logging in - feels like I'm using this as a blog ATM.

Well, I forced myself out to a dance class.

... that didn't go too well.

The class was nice, saw some old faces and plenty of new ones. Had a few dances with people, even one with a lovely (though exceptionally tall!) young lady who told me where to find some good contemporary classes.

... but when the night thinned out and there became some space on the floor, I heard a great song come on and looked for a partner. All the people left were already up, but there was plenty of space.

...I was looking for my wife. We always found each other at these moments, always came a running. And now that's never going to happen again.

I can't believe how much she's there in the little day to day things. I can't believe that she's making something I love so much so incredibly toxic!

I left the class and waited for my ride and wasn't sure if I wanted to scream or cry (I settled on the latter, it was dark, so it alarmed less people than the screaming would have).

There's a part of me that's already starting to move on. A part that says "Well, if she doesn't feel that way anymore, it's her loss. I'm aiming for some INCREDIBLE things, and I'm going to be achieving them. She knew this, but walked away anyway, her loss!!" .... but there's also the part of me that misses my friend. That wants to curl up and sob till I pass out again.

3 1/2 weeks. Nearly a month. And I still can't accept what's happened fully. I'm still just waiting to wake up. What's going to do that? What is going to be the lightning bolt to the head that makes me sit up and say "Wow, she really IS gone. I'm waiting for a ghost!"?

I don't want to believe it, but I think I need to.

I know I'm asking a bunch of people who will probably in turn be asking me the same thing... but what the hell do I do now?

Apart from sleep. Need sleep.

Keep going blind, you're doing fine my friend.

The sad moments don't stop. The hurt doesn't stop but you learn to deal with it better.

It will take time for you to reach acceptance. It will take time for you to drop the rope. You've only been at it a month, things are still very raw. They are for me too and I've been at it for 3 months. I'm sure there are others for whom it is still raw and it's years. You will get there in time. As everyone is constantly saying, patience patience patience. It's a b*&%^r, but it's true.

Keep doing what you're doing. Keep entertaining yourself. Keep bettering yourself. Keep filling the time. I still stay awake until I'm so tired I won't lie in bed thinking for more than a few seconds. It helps.

You'll get there. To a better you. Whatever else happens, that is your goal.

Hey Lees,

I hope that I am doing well. I struggle daily, but I keep trying to put one foot in front of the other.

Tuesdays are the worst. I barely slept last night, despite being exhausted. My mind wouldn't stop racing... I think mainly because I know she calls tomorrow. It's the time when I hit lowest, waiting for her to ring me.

Yeah, I know a month is only a short time, but I also know that the pain doesn't stop. And in 3 months, 12 months, or even later, I can't imagine that pain dulling... just finding new ways to cope I guess.

I think tonight I'm going to chose the dance option over the tv show option. A quiet night in tonight will just keep me bouncing off the walls, and it's the last thing I need.

I need healthy distractions.... whatever they might be.

Thanks for the support Lees... I flit between knowing I can do it and not wanting to... so hopefully these posts will keep me going.

Cheers

OK, so it's Tuesday night. Infamous Tuesday.

She calls tomorrow, so of course, last night I got virtually no sleep. I'm on edge already and it's only just after 5pm. 14 hrs until she calls... and God knows what she's going to say this time.

She's attacked everything. She's got me questioning not just the decision to move over here, but also the last 7 years together. She's told me that "everyone thinks I'm the one for them", comparing me to boy friends she had for 8-12 months. She's made me think that the problem is every little character flaw I have... or that she doesn't want to move... or that she misses her fabled single life.

She's torn apart everything I believed in. And I love her enough to keep talking to her and ask for more.

I'm exhausted today. I've run up literal mountains and worked out and gone to dance classes constantly, and my batteries are near dead... but it's Tuesday.

I need to get out of the house before I drive myself insane, but I'm too tired for another class, and everyone I still know in town is busy tonight.... so what's the answer? I don't know if anyone is online and able to give me an answer before I'd have to head to class... but recommendations are welcome.

It's going to be a long night...