Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers screwing up big time and need help

Hi, NM. Thanks for the reassurance on the EA.. I know that is what it is, even though he has continued to deny it. And you're right, it can happen to anyone with or without the mental disorder. My IC told me I need to start realizing that I'm blaming all kinds of things for the choices my H has made, rather than realizing he still had to make the choices himself. I understand mentally, but not yet emotionally and it's hard.

Sleeping arrangments: change daily. Sometimes we share a bed (with and without touching), sometimes he sleeps on the couch. He's having a lot of joint pain among other things and we're working toward a possible diag. of Lupus, which is impacting matters greatly. So, when he is hurting so badly, I have a hard time knowing what I should do and how much sympathy and support he's willing to accept from me, and what I should be willing to give him.

I know now after reading other posts, and re-reading my own, I should set a clear boundary for behavior, but I am struggling with how and what kind and so on. I probably won't be moved into the house for a few more weeks yet, so do I let it go till then, or do I make a big deal about it now?

I am sorry that your H has so many health issues and Lupus is just terrible. Not that other health issues aren't! There is nothing wrong, in my opinion, of helping your H when he needs it regarding his health. But think of how a nurse or home aide would do it- polite, but without love and kisses and extra affection.

IMO, since your H has said he doesn't care about your M, then guess that means he doesn't get to share a bed with you! If I were you, I would time this move before you move out but you don't have to do it tonight if you don't want. Listen to your intuition on when to do it- think of it as "a move" like in playing chess, you know?

If his body hurts too much to sleep on the couch, he can have the bed and you leave. (I have Rheumatoid Arthritis and it is under control but I completely understand how it feels when one's joints are throbbing and one needs a bed)

In fact, you leaving the bed might make a good statement because you are rejecting HIM. However, IF there is a comfortable bed for him to sleep on that is not in your room, then he can leave.

I realize this is kind of low, but you could probably do or say anything you want and he isn't going to file for D. Based on financial issues and health issues. What do you think- do you agree?

So your goal is more to get him to desire you again and for him to end his A. Robx says that people end their As when they face crisis and a fear of loss. aka "rock bottom"

If your H isn't afraid to lose you right now or isn't that interested in losing you (I say that because he is not motivated to work on your marriage)then you want to get him to desire you again!

That being said, you get him to desire you by working on areas that need improvement, in combination of pulling away, being mysterious, GALing, and the 180s you are doing.

Once he starts to appreciate you and desire you again, he won't want to lose you! So that is when you can start to amp up actions that show he will lose you unless he ends the A.

I apologize if this is vague...but it could happen quickly or slowly. I suggest you think of it as steps in place to "walking away." Suppose there are 7 steps before you are ready to walk away from the marriage if he doesn't want to commit. These steps may not be linear exactly but steps 1-6 should be followed before step 7!

step 1: work on you-looking for a job, place to live, etc.

step 2: work on areas that need improvement (that he complained about but that you recognize need to be improved for him or your future relationship)

step 3: GAL

step 4: be mysterious and look good doing it

step 5: monitor results- is H asking you q's and paying more attention? is he pursuing?

step 6:consult a L to be prepared in case you separate or divorce

step 7: tell your H that you need him to commit to your marriage and end his affair/ "friendship" or you will leave him. Go dim/dark until he does so.

THIS IS A ROUGH draft! And no one size plan fits all! And I am not a vet!! It is just a suggested course of action.

I have been able to achieve steps 1-6 but my WH is just now starting to get a taste of losing me because I have gone "dim" since he said he wanted to proceed with the D. Still waiting to get paperwork from him though...it has been 2 weeks since the conversation. And in my case, I had a baby in the middle of this whole escapade.

Thanks so much for all that input! I recognize many of the ideas from the book, but hearing it from someone else dealing with it makes it sort of make better sense to me in a way.



I actually agree with you here. He's even told me he'd leave filing up to me to do whenever I was ready. Well, he'll have to wait till you know what freezes over. If he wants D he can do all the paperwork to make it happen. But I haven't told him that's my viewpoint.

I really like your "rough draft" list. It's more than I have been able to put together on my own yet! I'll try to refine it and post a specific set of goals and narrow things down. That way I can keep refering to it throughout this whole process.

And I thought it was hard having a three year old! You have some valuable insights for me. thank you! (((NM))) Hope our Hs realize losing their families is worse than getting what they want.

Sorry missed this post earlier.. it was hard, but not so hard that I couldn't do it. I hope I can keep it up because I definitely got a reaction from him.

Don't rent MIL's house. It will ruin your R with her.

I realize you probably won't like what I'm about to say,but I think your H is tired of being treated like a wife and wants to feel like the man of the house. When the roles are reversed like this.....it does seem to go against what nature designed. He even said it was not normal.

Your first giant red flag was to think it was okay for him to meet up with an old GF. It's not about trust, it's about using your God-given wisdom. Anytime a man starts communicating with an old romantic interest and then starts hanging out with her...it is crazy to think it is idle chit-chat and won't lead to trouble.

Good point! Add this to the plan- of course it will feel strange massaging his ego while he is having an EA but it is part of the whole plan.

So what do you think will help him feel like a man... asking input on paying bills? fixing stuff? Men like to feel needed, provide, protect, and take care of their family and feel appreciated for their work. He is crazy about DD- is he a good dad?

Thanks for the insights Sandi.

On renting MIL's house: I've been renting from her for four years, living in the basement of her house. Granted, it's been in conjuction with her son, but I really don't think it'll cause any problems. Also, for her the house is a money pit since she can't sell it in the condition it's in for more than the mortgage is worth. She's told me she'd rather have me living there and fixing it up than a stranger.

On him seeing an old female friend: He and I are the same in that we have always been able to make closer and better friendships with members of the opposite sex. We've both, over the years, had friendships that we haven't questioned each other on, so at first the red flag didn't wave for me. By the time it hit me that he was spending way more time talking to her than I thought appropriate, any attempts by me to change that were seen as controlling and overly jealous behavior.

More in next post.......

I didn't really think of it this way, but you are right. He has made passing comments that his medical sitch leaves him feeling helpless and useless. I think his belief that I've been controlling may partly result from the fact that anything physical that has to be done has almost always been done by me since he has too much chronic pain, and earlier in our relationship his schizo-affective disorder was still unstable so often I did the bills, had the job, took care of misc. paperwork, etc....

He absolutely loves DD and is an awesome dad, but he has confided to me before that he feels inadequate in taking care of her and not being able to physically play with her like I can. She is a very active 3yr old. I pointed out to him that she plays with him, just not in the same way.... pretend, reading, singing songs and such. That made him feel better, but I think it still bothers him a lot.

I think maybe I need to figure out a way to stop being the caretaker. That'll take some work on my part because so often that's how I feel. And if I can do this, maybe he can start to see me as more a spouse/partner than a caretaker.

Right now he is taking care of the bills since he has more money. I am trying to come up with more ideas, but with his medical sitch, I'm really at a loss to try something he hasn't already in the past. If you all have any ideas, I'd be glad to hear them!

So, update on today's activities:

My car has a flat and we won't have the money to get it fixed until the first of June, so whenever I want to go somewhere right now, I have to ask somebody for a loaner. Today, I decided I wanted to go to the bookstore for some quality alone time to look at some of the self-help books on dependency and such. I ask H if I could use his car for a few hours. Here's how the convo went:

H: What do you need it for?
M: I want to run some errands.
H: Like what?
M: I have some things to do in town.
H: Anything important?
M: Not really.
H: Where do you need to go?
M: Just wanted to do some shopping. Maybe go to the bookstore.
H: Oh, well, do you mind if I go with you...?

LOL... apparently he hates it when I'm not immediately forthcoming with info. He even told me that tonight himself by saying he doesn't like it when I don't answer him directly because it makes him think I'm hiding something. Gee... Pot. Kettle. But I DIDN'T say it. No matter how much I wanted to. Go me. And I'm amazed he even told me that when before he wouldn't talk about any kind of emotion of his.

I just need to make sure I don't start doing the same thing back to him again because a convo like that in the reverse is me being controlling. Ugh habits are hard to break.

A conversation like that IS controlling. It doesn't matter who is doing it.

Don't make the mistake of making more of this than is there however.

If this man is in an EA and using you as a "friend" (emotional support + backup plan), then he might be worried you are going to do something like visit a lawyer or return the favor with your own affair, or he might just have wanted to get out, and since you didn't invite him, he was inviting himself.

Your situation cannot improve while there is an A or EA in progress. Any seeming progress is an illusion while that is still going on. He already made a choice, and that choice was to continue his infedility with you as his backup plan. You are not his priority if there is an A or EA going on. Period.

That's a tough pill to swallow, I know from experience.

At this point, you really, really need to begin detaching so that you can plan for a life without him because if the affair continues, that's where this is all headed.

Assume that you must move on alone, and plan accordingly. Believe nothing while this affair continues.