Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis How should I handle MLC direct lying?

Well maybe it is different her on the MLC board but it is easier to follow what is going on with you if you put YOUR info on YOUR thread. We can see what other people are suggesting to you.
When you get to 100 posts you can start a new thread.
The board mechanics works better that way.

You can give other people advice on their thread that is fine.

You do sound more grounded today.

Keep reading!

I need to clarify an example: if H says "I'm going to go to my coworkers house tonight to watch a game", and I know or am 99% sure this is a lie, that he's going to do something he's hiding, I'm to smile and say "have a great time"? No confrontation or questions?

This is hard. I've been able to do it but have depression/resentment after.

Anyone?

Yes. This is exactly what you say. It's even better if he's volunteered the info & you've not asked what he is doing. He can't argue much with that statement, especially if you mean it.

I'm still new to this as well, but I've decided to treat H as though he were just a stranger in a grocery store I'm having a conversation with. I wouldn't question the guy beside me in the line at the deli when he told me he was picking up potato salad to go to a friend's BBQ & watch the big game.

I'm treating him like I'd treat a stranger. Think about it, we're more often kinder & more respectful to strangers than we are to those close to us anyway.

Well,

What happens if you press the issue?

What happens if you find out he is lying?

What then?

Confrontation? Where do you want this to go?

Cause dollars to donuts no one here thinks or believes that if you press the issue...or check up on him that good things will come of it.


So...yes...

No questions no confrontation, until you can confront and do so without your emotions running roit for you.

Thank you Jack and Shelbel. This is exactly what I needed to clarify. At this point I can do it but I certainly don't mean it when I say "have fun". And the depression/resentment afterwards is difficult...but now at least I know for sure it's the right thing.

Jack refers to something else I'm wondering about...do I ever get to confront? Do I ever get to go back and say "It didn't make sense when you said you were going to such and such to watch the game. Was that true?". If/after the MLCer comes out of this do you just have to forget it all as if it never happened?

THANK YOU SO MUCH!

Will it really matter by then?

I'm not sure if it will matter or not (if we even get to that point). It seems kind of odd to just "pick back up" as if months and months of lying didn't happen. I guess that's my question. Is the DB recommendation to never confront about it? Does the MLCer usually confess on their own if the come out of this? Or do they act "as if" it didn't happen? And how does the LBS know they're no longer lying?

I'm sure every situation is different, but I'm just wondering in general what the recommendation is and what the MLCer ususally does, as I haven't seen this info.

THANKS

No you won't be picking back up as if this didn't happen. However you might want to go back and re-read the 6 stages of MLC. Your H is in replay, he must finish that and then go on to depression, withdrawl and acceptance. It would be in this last stage when it would happen. Hopefully by then he would have made many changes. And you too! He is on this journey and their is nothing that you can do to change it.

You must take your own journey and if you can lead your MLC'er through it you will get the best results.

What have you done for amg2?

If that is what you are asking, then you really won't get an answer you like.

There will never be a time when you just "pick back up"

Whether or not you admit it, your old marriage is gone, dead, over.

Anything that happens down the road will be a new relationship.

If that is with your current spouse, then that is great.

Piecing is hard work, probably HARDER than standing. Tough, and I mean tough love will come into play, and boundaries will be set and enforced. Most of the things you don't do as a stander , are necessary now.

IF.....You look inside, and do YOUR work....

When that time comes.....you will find that the answers you seek, will not matter as much.

Mostly because your questions will have changed.

Trust is a hard thing to rebuild....with anyone, let alone the person you trusted with EVERYTHING previously...

Maybe that is why it is imperative to find YOU first.