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When you find the answer to that one let me know. I'm in exactly the same spot this weekend but I won't even see them for sports. I hate these weekends but I do like the time to myself.

By golly.....

Sounds like an answer to me.....

I know it sounds so strange but I really like those few hours I get all to myself once a week. The boys won't go with ex on his weekends so I have very little time to myself.

I know when you are married you don't get those times very often either and you wouldn't really expect that time. However after doing this on my own, I need those few hours to recharge for me and for them.

kat

I used to WISH and sometimes PRAY for a few hours to myself (3 kids in 4 1/2 years).

A few hours.

Not days.

How are you doing? You haven't posted in a bit which could also be a good thing. Just wanted to check.

kat

I'm busy. Busier than any person should be - and even with that, H is still on my mind. I think about what I've lost, what my kids have lost, and every day I'm faced with memories of the past 30 years.

I'm still struggling. I struggle with feelings of inadequacy, feelings of abandonment and "just not being good enough." It really sucks to be the LBS and to have these feelings on top of it all----but that's the way it is for me -- and yes I know what I need to work on.

I would love to feel good about myself again/not feel like I'm worthless because I am not enough to want to do the work to save a 24 year marriage (officially 24 years on May 17)-----worthless because OW can come in to the picture and be enough to justify walking away from our M and family. I would love to feel good about being ME---and not just because I am an awsome mom and am holding it all together/doing it all....but hopefully that will come with time. I think it will come when I am able to grow enough to truly believe that I don't need H and a marriage to have self worth (see - struggling, but I KNOW!).

I struggle day by day.

Hour by hour.

Minute by minute.

I know I'm not going to wake up and "be over it all." I know that this is going to be a long process----it's already been a long process. I'm not taking pity on myself. I've accepted where I am and know that what's most important is working on me and my future (without H).

With all of this, I know that I will be ok. I know what I need to do and I'm working on what I can----but have ZERO time to work on what I want----when I will have time, I have no idea --- but I'm ok with that right now too. I have a lot of work to do on what's in my head......

I know and accept that there will be no lightbulb moment. I am a work in progress - with a lot of work still yet to go.

I am currently working on quashing thoughts to keep me from dwelling on things that are not "healthy," and handling things MY way. I'm pretty smart, tougher than a boot, and not even 1% as needy as I come off in my threads. This is my emotional sanctuary - where I have come to let it all out - and (I'm sure) will be doing more of as I continue to try to accept - without understanding.

Aren't you glad you asked????

Yes, I am. It took a long time for me to see that it wasn't about me. Was I the perfect partner? No and of course neither was he. However, at no time did I force him to have an affair and leave. Those were his choices based on his issues. Just as they are for anyone who walks away.

I used to think I was pretty down on the totem pole if the scum of the earth didn't want me. Then I thought, I was holding him out of the scum. Another piece of scum grabbed him and he let go. Now I am free of it and I can go on to better things.

You can too.

kat

I have spent A LOT of time convincing myself that the man I've known and loved for 30 year is still in there somewhere---hoping that he would return and we could start over. THIS is not anything HE would have even thought of doing. This is the man I grew up with---someone I thought I knew better than anyone on the planet.

I have been committed to this man, I have been devoted to him and have respected him since I was 14 years old. I don't know that I ever want to believe that he is scum - no matter what he has "done" to me, he is still the father of my children. He is still someone I see and must deal with several times a week. I do get very angry and caught up in the anger when I think of the betrayal - but it doesn't last long. The memories are too strong.

I don't think I can believe that he is scum and honor the memories that I cherish. I also don't think I want get to a point where I don't cherish the memories that I have or get to a point where I believe his revisionist view of our past.

I don't know that I could look at my kids the same way if I believed their father was scum----or believed that HE was even capable of what he has done (sounds screwed, doesn't it?).

I want to be able to move on for me, for my family in a dignified way. I don't want to have to turn my love in to hate in order to move forward. Is this too much to ask?

No. I don't hate the man I married but I certainly have no like or illusions about the alien that took his place. Our situations are a bit different. My ex cheated on me shortly after we got married. It went on for 2 years.

Shortly after I found about it, I had a terrible car accident. I was off work for about 3 weeks. During that time I evaluated a lot of things and we ended up pregnant with our first child. Life just seemed to roll along. After the discovery of this most recent affair, some other people came forward that they had saw my ex with other people over the years. And it was very obvious that he was WITH them. So was he ever faithful, I don't know. At this point it doesn't matter.

I did what I had to so that I could get through this, so my kids could get through this. As for the analogy, You can call it what you want. He fell off the high road and you continued on etc. But it holds true because they lost their way by their own choices and now we have to go on despite it.

I am not bitter. I just know that neither of them are really very nice people. My ex isn't who he used to be, or at least not the person that I thought I knew. Maybe he never was.

kat

All packed and ready to go to Omaha for sb tournament as soon as kids get out of school today. I've asked to leave work early - not going to be driving in the dark (again) - and I knew it would be ok since supt. is a HUGE baseball fan.

Anyway, I got the yard mowed last night, 2 loads of laundry done, ran to the bank to deposit checks and get cash, packed and helped D13 study for math (Ughhhh....)test last night. I have all of D's uniform - yeah!! (No begging H to look for this or that.) Had a thunderstorm with BIG hail at 3 a.m. - both girls ran into my room and asked what it was (D16 was worried about her car). S11 slept right through it.....

This morning got up, finished the last load of laundry, did my lower body workout, paid the bills online(already the 7th!), packed lunches, filled up the animal food bowls outside, started the dishwasher, took my suitcase downstairs so it would be ready - put it and D's gear bag by the door, put dogfood and snacks in the car. AND got to work on time. Tonight, should only have to feed the turtles and lizards, grab the dog and her food, put the bags in the car, drop dog off at grandmas and head north.........thinking I'm forgetting something.

I'm sure the lizard will lay her eggs (have been on egg watch for almost 4 weeks now) while we're gone - and without us there to put them in the moist box......ughhhhh......may have to ask D16's BF to check on them...............

I got my new (replacement) phone yesterday --- happy mother's day to me! Last weekend my phone slipped out of my pocket just as I flushed the toilet..........to the disgust of D13 I did go in after it and salvaged the sim card (tried to dry out the phone and just couldn't get it to pull in service). Have been using one of D16's old phones and it was awful! So----have a working phone for the trip. I DO NOT have my replacement VISA card. H lost his last Friday. Told me Monday, so I had it cancelled. (And yes, I know we shouldn't still be sharing a credit card.) Thankfully have the backup Discover card, or it would mean a cash only trip (which would make me very nervous).

The painters should be about finished painting the outside of the house soon (finally getting that done). H was there when they were working last night to get S11 ---- told them how good it looked. AM NOT dwelling on the fact that it should be OUR house to look good....just happy it's still mine - and hope to be able to keep it.

OK - long post, mostly just putting things down to check my work.....still think I'm forgetting something......I do need gas......