Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis MLC HOKEY KOKEY...........

Libby, you seem to have good handle on what's going on with your H. Tha cake eating part is difficult to handle and it's hard to know when to cut it off and set some boundaries.

They seem to want us to stay right where they left us and be there for them anytime they peek out out of the tunnel (checking if we are still there?).

After my H broke up with the OW and wanted to R he told me "The love I was showing him while the affair was going on made him want to come back".

I believe that it's important to be there for them when they need us...sort of being their "rock". I think that it's OK if they do a little "cake eating" as long as it doesn't make You feel used.

My motto is "love them from a distance and keep detached".

Mila

Thanks for stopping by.

I noticed in your thread that you always held the door open for your H.

I have decided that a small amount of cake eating is fine. He comes here at least weekly but just recently much more often to see the children.

Other posivitive I have seen are

Talked about a nice holiday we had in the 80's
Told me he worries about me.
Insisted on buying food to cook supper
Openly chatted to our neighbour which he hasn't done since last summer.
Laughing with the children
Came and gave me a cuddle when I was upset. No contact like that for at least two years.
Asking my opinion on his business plans.
Made contact with close friends he hasn't seen since last spring.
Connecting with the family.
Left his mobile in the kitchen with me for an hour.
Leaves his opened mail in the hall for 3 days.
Talked with great passion about one of his hobbies which he hasn't done for over 2 years.

When he visits the children the anger has subsided and he is always pleasant. He initiates the conversation and I always validate what he says. I keep out of his way and sometimes I arrange to be out when he is here.

I am moving along my path. I am different than when he left. I do forgive him having the affiar as I know it is only a symptom of his MLC.

So I'll keep watching and detaching with love.

Wow libby...lots of positives with your H. Good to see that he is reconecting with the kids.

Hopefully him moving in with the OW is the beginning of the end of the affair. It often is....and once it ends he could finally start dealing with his issues.

Glad you are keeping on your path

Mila

Thank you for your observations about H. Sometimes I think I am inmaging them!

He text last night after I text him about an appointment for S. Surprised I got the text as he is usually quiet when he is with OW. Anyway I haven't answered it as it was more of a statement.

Two other issues I have noticed. His spening is reducing and not as excessive as previously, although she can still spend well in Supermarkets. He is wearing his old clothes not the new ones he bought around the time of bomb drop. He has agreed to attend a counselling session with S13. This was shock as he never believed in this type of support.

This usually comes as the stage of Replay begins to try to come to an end. They begin to see things in a more clear light..it is also referred to as seemingly "peeking" out of the tunnel, or "clarity" within the fog.
They will also realize some things that will lead them to dump the OW..as long as OW is in the picture, they are still in Replay...dumping her is the most clear sign they are moving out of Replay, and coming forward.

The awakening CAN occur BEFORE OW is dumped, as they have decisions to make within their lives. You'll observe changes within their personalities, a slight returning to what was before, and it will be slow, but steady.
Their thinking will seem to clear, and some of the secretive behavior will become a little more open.

Any interruptions will cause them to turn on you, as I well know.

So it's the time of waiting and watching to see what they do as they do it.

From what I'm reading on you recently, your husband is showing these signs, and they are positive things you're seeing.

OW will be the BIGGEST step he makes..until he dumps her, there's no hope of him even attempting the work on the marriage.

Wait and watch.

HB

Thanks for the answer and clarity on 'awakening'. He is still depressed but this seems less and he is looking better.

My sense is that OW feels a difference as well. She seems to have tightened the rope but H is still managing to get round it by visiting when he is supposed to be working. The give away is his work clothes which he changes when he gets home but puts back on before he goes back to OW.

The watching is getting interesting.

Be careful you don't become the "OW" to the OW, if that makes sense. He's SNEAKING behind OW's back, it looks like.

Apparently, when he got what he wanted, it WASN'T what he wanted, and so he's coming back toward you.

You will know when it's time to make him choose between you and OW..otherwise, this could go on for YEARS..and you don't want that to happen, LA.

Cake Eating is not something anyone wants to get involved in, and it shows weakness on the MLC'er's part....people who do it have to be shown it is NOT acceptable to have one foot in each door or sit on the fence.

Watch the situation carefully, and I hope he dumps OW on his own without help from you...it is better if he DOES do it on his own.

OW, as it stands is HIS problem, not yours, yet, you know this as well.

I cannot advise on how much time is needed before the stand is made..only you would know that, as you know your husband better than anyone, and are observing the situation first hand.

Good luck and keep us posted.

H came to see the children on Wed and I went out straight from work with a colleague and when I got home he had gone.

Thurs was my S counselling session which H agreed to come to to support S through our seperation.

When H arrived he was very reserved and protecting himself. He refussed to talk about somethings i.e why he hated the house, how he felt that there was no place in the family for him now. At one point the counsellor ask him if he had trouble talking about his emotions. He referred her back to me to answer that one. He did state that he had always tried to be a good father and if the childrens feelings have changed towards him there was nothing he could do. Some questions he answered.

When asked if our relationship was over he didn't give a straight answer and finally said we would need to talk. When asked if he had laid down roots in his new home he just said it was closer to work. He was asked where he saw our future and he said hopefully at least as good friends.

We discussed my feelings around the bomb and how I didn't blame him as he felt he needed to leave the family and I forgive his affair. I acknowledged my part in the marriage breakup. I did slip and said I missed him and loved him. Throughout H was quiet and pensive. When I was upset he told me he didn't like me crying. I validated where I could. I also complimented him on being a good father, a nice man and a good business man.

As we left he told me how he had got lost coming into the building. He pointed to the reception area nad said 'I told that lady I had come to meet my wife'.

There has been a flurry of texts today. The content has changed. Much lighter with a bit of banter between us. This is very new compared to the factual ones he sent about the children and finances. He also wants to take the family out for a meal at the beginning of May one afternoon before taking S out.

Libby - you H shows lots of confusion...you did a great job validating and you are doing all that you can right now. He needs space and time...just wait it out.

Though..I know

(((hugs)))

Thanks Mila

Yes I agree I think he is ping ponging about a bit.

Today he has been very quiet. No texts etc. I think that he maybe like this for a day or two as his touch and go has been very intense and he may need to reflect and try and look at his path.

I never contact him only in emergency's. Leave him with some peace (with OW!)