Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers reconciliation after divorce?

Ahhh... yes I get you. I think you have to ask and follow up to the initial general question in a more targeted way... I know that's how I'd want my husband to ask me. I would need more encouragement for example, to 'spill' beyond just saying 'not good' or 'ok'. I'd want someone to then say something like 'Tell me more about that, I'm interested to hear.' or 'Can you give me an example of something that's happened recently that's made you feel that way?'. Often too it might be the non verbal communication in combination with the questions that could help. But be careful! That's very person-specific. I respond to touch in a BIG way. I think if my H would have touched my hand or actually walked over to hold me, while asking me something like that, I'd have been able to spill and tell him what I'd needed from him, feel comforted and cared about, and was truly concerned about my feelings; not just paying me lip service.

Thanks, Abbey. I am wondering if I have not been trying to be TOO supportive. TOO understanding. I have not been clingy or begging, just trying to be there for her. Maybe that has been a mistake.

Well... supportive is in the eye of the giver and receiver. Since I don't have any idea what your W is like... who knows how she actually would view anything. Uhm... it's a crap shoot to do a 180 and not be supportive because you might send her away. Do I think it'll hurt in the long run. Probably not. She's so messed up right now that she'll forget about if she "needs" to, should she want to go somewhere familiar for some comfort.

Something else... they rewrite history. OH man, do they ever like to rewrite history. So for what it's worth...a simple approach might be the best avenue here. You're going to be blamed for not being supportive enough, even when you fell over backwards to be so. And equally you'll be thought of as smothering when you weren't even in town that week. *smile*

Try to stick to a simpler version of the course... maybe just listen and say nothing. ... hmmm... it might work... say as little as possible when she reaches out to you. Don't turn your back on her... but just clench your teeth together and resist the urge to do much more than nod. When you see your IC next... ask her for some buzz phrases on how to interact with her eg: Help me understand. How so? Simple non-specific things... to keep HER talking. The more someone talks about themselves, the more oft, they tend to bond with the person they're talking to. IT's worth a shot.

*hugs*
Abbey

She said she doesn't want to be dependent on you.

You said that "SUGGESTS" to you that....

In other words, you haven't asked her why she feels that way. You seemed concerned about responding to her positively. All you really have to do to respond to her positively in conversation right now is say things like "Oh, I see", and "Yes, I understand". Then ask her MORE questions.

WHY does she feel like she has no hope? WHY does she worry about losing family, friends etc? Then listen. At some point, you will ask a question that will get her talking for a long time and she will expound upon WHY she feels the way she does.

Let her talk about stuff for a while, then leave her alone. Talking about it, then space to feel things out is how women process. Men process over a beer. Don't make her process stuff like a man, allow her to do it like a woman. You can help her in that process.

Holy crap. Glimmerman that advice should be cast in gold and go down in history. That is so exactly it. Can you come talk to my H for me?

Abbey, Glimmerman - your words of wisdom are much appreciated. Will try the slow, positive approach at our earliest opportunity.

W came over this afternoon while I was working in the garden. Was very forlorn and depressed. Walking around the garden - her passion - petting the cat, being around the house seemed to do her some good. I was upbeat and positive. Feel better today than last night for sure.

Prairiegirl: I will have a beer with your H any time, but I think Glimmerman is the one with the wisdom!!!


Happy Mothers Day to all out there. Good day for a smile.

Hi anychance, glad to hear you're feeling better than yesterday. Hoping tomorrow stays on an upswing for you - be sure to post and let us know how you're doing. Take care, PG.

Afternoon all.

W came in today, told me she had a very rough emotional weekend. Wants to get together with a mutual friend of ours, and wants to know if I mind if she tells her we are getting a D. Wants my permission. Wants communication between us to be straightforward and honest (as do I). She seems very concerned about people finding out about the impending D. She calls my mother for mother's day, and is contemplating a family event in early July.

I think I am back in the confusing land of mixed signals. WTF?

I almost get the impression that she's still looking to you for approval. This I don't quite get. She seeks your warm-fuzzies, tells you how crappy she's feeling, but then pulls a U-turn. Yeah... WTF, was what I said to myself when I was reading your latest posts.

AC, I'm afraid I'm not being much help here because I'm stuck in her present actions.

The only thing I can say was when mine wanted to split, he still wanted to hug me, see me once a week to go to a movie... at one meal where the OW was away for a week,... he wanted me to share his soup with 2 spoons. He never wanted me to do that for 17 years we were married prior. He asked me to meet him at a business venue... and he even tickled me. WTF?! was my in my brain too. There does seem to be something "else" going on with your W, as with my H. They know what they're heading for was wrong... but they can't seem to stop themselves.

Bad news is... ya gotta let them fall in the hole. It's the only way they'll realize that you're a good one to reach out to, when they want out.

Abbey

Abbey:
Your thoughts are most appreciated. Perish the thought about not being much help. You are more help than you realize. Thanks for being there.