Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers help some advice plse..have i finished it for good

Well, in jacT's case she threw her H out. From what she has posted it seems that her H said he never had any intention of leaving her for OW and that he was trying to finish it with OW. However, she didn't know that at the time and in her hurt/anger she threw him out. Contact has been limited since then. SO, if she wants him back, and he wants to go back......seeing as he sounds unhappy etc, how is he to know that she still wants him?

A safe path home I guess is a way they can come home without having it all thrown in their face. So the WAS doesn't expect a chair to hit them in the head when they walk in the door....or friends and family to turn their backs if they reappear. A way to say to them, I am not judging you at this juncture.....I just want to work things out with you.

Don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean they come back and it's forgotten and not sorted. It means, come back, you are loved and wanted, lets work on this and see what happens. Just no nose rubbing and name calling etc.

It doesn't mean the LBS rolls over and acts like a door mat in any way. They are being strong, and once the WAS feels safe enough back at home issues will need to be discussed and resolved and learnt from. You can never just push this stuff back under the rug as the reasons for it happening in the first place will cause it to re-ocurr otherwise.....but sometimes.....especially in transitional crisis situations, some patience may be required.

Do you understand what I am saying piano? Is that any clearer?

Thanks everyone.I try and answer all your points.

My H went through a very angry period and my eldest daughter took the brunt of it.He was definitely depressed.

He then he had an EA on the Internet.He was really screwed up, distant, not sleeping, not eating properly.He was a completely different person..agressive at times, not physically..verbally and I had never seen that in him before.He wasnt coping with his new job as a gym supervisor.Low self esteem, just didnt like hmself.


I found out about the affair through txts on his phone.They were childish but him telling her not to txt and her saying well if you dont txt me...When I challenged him he jsut blurted it all out. When I asked him if he was prepared to give the relationship up, he said no as she had boosted his confidence.(but he had actually dumped her week before).

He didnt want to go but I put him out..he just kepy walking back and forth saying F.... F....I said F...that youve been caught.I thought he would go to his dads..never crossed my mind he would go straight to her..which reflecting back was stupid.

I then went about telling my family, his family and our friends.(He has to date not told anyone he works with but they have heard stories from the other staff members).Anyone who knows us, I have told about the affair.(he didnt even tell an old neighbour who went into gym..told her we were all great and that he would passon her regards).

We have a close mutal friend and he told him the complete opposite of what had actually happened that night. ie As if it was him who told me abt A and that he wanted to be with her.I can only imagine the lies he has told her. I regret giving her my man(she says she always gets what she wants.)

I met her a couple of times and never dreamt he would give her a second look.She is an expert at manipulation and seeing when men are vulnerable.She is responsible for several break ups in the gym.

He has some very deep rooted issues that have been with him since childhood.

I have seen him 3 times since we split.All meetings I arranged to try and sort out the relationship with our youngest D. She wrote him a letter about how she felt and he wouldnt take it.A coward.My H was dedicated to his girls and started off by wanting to see them every day..as time went on he said it wasnt fair to be here every day.The girls just refused to see him.The ow said they were doing it to try and get him home.

I havent never said he can come home if he wanted.I was scared he would reject me and at that point I couldnt have dealt with it.I have always made it clear I would not divorce him.As you see we have had probs earlier in our marriage and I divorced him(probs related to CH). It was a mistake and I did far too quickly.

The first meeting was 8 weeks out and when he arrived at the house said it was good to see me, that he loved me, would always love me and we had 28 great years.I wonder on reflection if he was expecting me to ask him to come home?

When I asked why he had affair he said it felt right.The OW has accepted all his issues and the behaviours that come with it.Although I truly believe he has been conservative with truth.

He said he had not thought about the implications of the affair. He has shocked everyone with his behaviour.

I believe he feels we are better off without him and that he has hurt me so many times with an affair on top, that I should meet someone else.
That said I believe he is still in his fantasy world.He said it was torture not seeing his kids yet the only contact he made early doors was txt.He has made not attempt to come and see the girls.
I believe he is disgusted with himself and riddled with guilt.

I initially went NC thinking if he wants to sort the relationship with the girls then he needs to make efforts too.They think he just doesnt care as he hasnt done anything to sort the sitch out.I never thought he would go 6 months without talking to his children..

I miss him terribly but not sure what space he is in or if we could make things work but would be good to have choice.

Passenger my story is a good reason to try and stop and think what you want to do.Emotions can drive you down the wrong path..If my sitch can avoid someone making th same mistake thats something...

Well it's fairly obvious why he went to the OW. She fed his self-esteem when he felt you weren't. Was there ever a time that he tried to assert himself but you shot him down?

What were your problems beforehand?

Triggers for an MLC are major life changes like a loss of job, death of a loved one, empty nest, birth of a child, thoughts of death, etc. It's the idea of that stress that makes them think that they have to live life to the fullest before they die. That's what makes a sitch an MLC.

If he didn't experience any of those, it sounds like he just had a bout of depression after dealing with your issues and maybe kept alot of his problems to himself because he felt you couldn't handle it. Or that he didn't want to trouble you with them.

"She is an expert at manipulation and seeing when men are vulnerable.She is responsible for several break ups in the gym. "

It takes two to tango. If your H didn't have problems in the background they wouldn't have hooked up in the first place.

Concentrate on what he had problems with. Show him it's "safe" to come home. Maybe he just doesn't know how. My C once told me that's what happened with her WAH. He later told her that he wanted to come home, but because of the shame and depression, he just didn't know how.

Give him little pieces to show it's safe to come home and that you won't be judgemental (hard as hell, I know). Think of him like a stray dog who wandered into your yard. When you first approach it, it gets scared and runs away. So you leave a bowl of water and watch it come closer. Then you leave some food and it comes even closer. Pretty soon you can reach out and touch it. That's how these people in depression are like.

Make the environment safe for him to return. This would also involve your Ds. He might think that they wouldn't want him because of all the damage he caused.

Is there anyone you trust , and that he would listen to, that could tell him this?



From what I have read, I see that this can often stop the WAS coming home. I imagine his fear of rejection after what he has done is extremely high. The plus side though is that if he s feeling these things then he does have some moral compass left.

I have thought about getting friends to sow some seeds.But why ask for a D?It had crossed my mind maybe he was testing the water because I said I wouldnt D again.

Heres the punchline and the reason for the MLC..this is hard.My husband is a cross dresser. We believe it stemmed from when his sister was born and he wasnt allowed to bond with her. He started at 12 and his mother found out and threatened to tell his father.It got so bad before we seperated that he didnt know whether he actually wanted to a gender change.I think he thought he would get more love as a female.Its sad very sad.

When he first told me(16years of age and he 17), he sold it as a little fantasy but as life progressed so did it.I think he has told the ow the same.He did confirm she is happy to have him walk around dressed and also be intimate while dressed(more tranvestism where they can get a kick out of it). I have studied it for years and read lots on it but dont want to compete with that..I have been there.

The ow as you will now see..saw an opportunity to accept something I am sure he told I didnt(although after 28 years any normal person would see this is not the case and having shaved all his body hair)bingo...got him hook line and sinker but she is feeding something she knows little about.Latterly he wanted to go out dressed he said.(did once as 16 yr old in my clothes that I only found out about from his sister when his A was exposed)but dont know where he is on that.

I think thats the only reason he got involved.. she was up for anything, little fantasy world and then I can go home to the people I really love.(apparently her tongue for a woman was vile sexually)
I hope I havent shocked you and no doubt many will wonder what the hell are you doing? He was a wonderful husband and father and I believe in unconditional love....and my marriage vows.

The girls know about this and believe it or not the affair is the big issue. His father found out after the first D we had.
I decided at that point life was better with him and his habit than the pain of living with out him.

I know it something not many woman would chose to live with..just shows you how far this Ow is prepared to go to get a man...a 45 yr old CD male, depressed and no money who I am sure she knows, loves his family....God what a bloody mess....
I tell you you wouldnt after the challenegs we have been through take that to another house with kids if you loved somebody.

A dilemma a terrible dilemma...

I'm not shocked. My uncle was a CD - he owned his own haulage business and hung around with great big manly lorry drivers, but in his private time he was a CD. Don't think he ever felt he wanted a sex change though and it was always kept a private thing. In fact I can remember when his W found out - their children were in their teens by then.

My dad, (it was his older brother by 9 years), obviously did know something was amiss though as he had always jokingly told me that Uncle X was a 'funny'fella; he always said it in a kind way with a wry smile on his face though.

I feel very sad for your H and you.

From what you post it makes me feel that your h finds it hard to accept that others may love him so maybe he does need clear signals that a way home would be welcome?

Maybe he is scared what this OW might make public about him if he were to move home?

(((((hugs))))))

Saffie many thanks for your kind words.1 in 10 men CD which I think is quite high.You couldnt write what we are going through.

H said he trusted her 1m % when I asked if she could be trusted to keep his secret.I am not sure he is anywhere near living in the real world.One of his close friends know the story and my H doesnt know he knows.Maybe that would be a route in.I think the Ow is really hooking him in through it though lettimg him live in his fantasy.

How are yu today?

Yes there were times I shot him down. It devestated him when I left him all those years ago and I used it to my advantage throught out the M.

In April when I suspected an affair, i asked him to leave and go to his dads to think about talking to me truthfully. He kept saying you dont want me to go and I said I did.

As soon as he left I knew I had done the wrong thing and went after him but he mysteriously disappeared.Turned out he had called her and she has picked him up.That was the one and only time he was out all night. He told me next day he had walked the streets. He said at this point he was not having an affair.

I am not proud of myself and at this point really suspected something wasnt right.

I am fine thanks Jac. Off out to see to my horses again in a little bit.....and expecting the children home from school. Tomorrow is the last day of freedom, (for me), before their Easter school break. I have one sitting AS levels this May/June and another doing some of his GCSE's so I shall be guiding the family ship with an iron rod this holidays re school work - I can already feel the rebellion rising!!!!!

Tonight is also cinema night for me and H. We try to go most Tuesdays to get some time to ourselves. One thing we have learned from all this is to keep our connection going - we spent too many years running round after children and ignoring the M and each other!!!!

A family is a big draw and however good your H's fantasy might be to live for a while, eventually I am sure it will tarnish and feel not right. I really would try to get some sort of message through to him that working on your M is possible and that you are open to discussing things with him without recriminations being thrown at him.