Thanks for sharing this, I do need to remember all of this, a bit overwhelming, but it will definitely to "memorize" all of this.
So I'm wondering how I should have reacted after this conversation with H not too long ago..
H's niece lives not to far from us and so I suggested to H that we should invite her over for dinner some night when SS is here as they are cousins. My H said what for? I said it would just be a nice get together. I then said to H, "Oh didn't I tell you know I now have parties" to which H responded "didn't I tell you I still go to S&B (his bar) once a twice a week. I said oh good I can stop in, to which H said, then you can OW she bartends there, I said she does, he just kind of smiled and said yep. Then he said maybe you two should meet. I said no thanks. Then H said, you can kill each other and then I won't have to worry about either of you!!
What an assanine this to say!! What a jerk!!! I was so stunned I turned back to the the stove where I was cooking dinner and H went to play with son. When H came back to dinner he was much more pleasant even said thank you for making dinner...so do you think he felt bad about our conversation? I would certainly hope so!!!
I should have responded "oh yes it would probably be a good idea to meet then I can tell her that we've been having sex the whole time H's been living with YOU!!
What do you I say when H says stuff like this? I know he's only been home shortly, but I don't know if I can take these digs. Up until H moved back he rarely referred to OW by name, it was always HER. Do I keep my mouth shut, keep acting as if?
We were deciding what stuff was going to go to good will and H said something like "no that's coming with me when I move?" I said what? Why did you say that? H said because I'm moving out...he then said those his in my possession before we met.
Do you think he moved back because of some little plan H and OW have to get me to throw H out so that he won't look so bad if we do divorce? I think someone said to me once "don't be surprised if H moves back in, a lawyer would tell H that especially if H just moved out on us...Am having runaway thoughts tonight? Like I said some stuff is still at OW's he has her garage door opener and house key.
Or should I blame the way he's acting today on the alien in him? I mean it's like we are in our Monday ritual of him testing me...Don't believe anything they say alien mode tonight????
He seems determined to test you or push you or something.
Hang in there, we know you can handle this too!
Because now you are one strong awesome lady, and he is going to realize here before long just how wonderful you are and how lucky he is that you LET him move back in with you to work on your marriage.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
You are doing so great...h is SO pushing your buttons and you're not responding! What a strong person you ARE!!!
Keep on not letting him get to you...don't forget that he may just be testing your stamina -- yah, it sounds crappy but who knows -- maybe he's thinking "wow..I wonder if this woman can really forgive what I've done?" and out comes the test sheet.
If he keeps this up for more than a week I'd say you might want to "invest" in some 180s...laughing and wiping faux tears from your eyes when he says something doofusy, making a giant old googly eye face at him, etc...but FOR NOW.."as if" is perfect...maybe an arm squeeze or a kiss on the cheek for the most assinine of comments (done while you're breezing out of the room and away from the convo).
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
It seems to me, Cath, that either your H is kind of sadistic or he's really trying to get you to lose it on him...
Why would he want that?
To make his mind up for him? To prove to himself that he's right and you haven't "changed"? To provoke some kind of confrontation. To push you to the point where you give him what he "deserves"...a swift kick in the...oops!
How did you respond to his digs in the past, Cath? Is he in some twisted way missing the old dynamic?
I agree to wait this out a bit and play it cool...but seriously, if this continues, it's nothing short of verbal abuse.
Thanks for stopping by....this is CLASSIC H! When I said "you know I have parties now" could have been phrased "you know WE have parties now" as I think this is what triggered smartass comeback about OW.
He's still back and forth, back and forth, I think still not out of his MLC or whatever.
When he got back from the store last night, he did purchase some items for himself and the salt for the water softener. He keeps saying things like I don't know why I'm doing this I don't have a vested interest in this house and then said again "I'm moving out" and then seemed kind of upset that I hadn't asked him what prompted his move back at 1 am. H said aren't you curious at all? I said yes of course I am. I thought you'd tell me when you're ready and then H said it doesn't matter I'm never telling you now LOL...my H is a dandy isn't he! Such a baby about stuff!
Then his S19 called about something and must have asked H if had moved back and I heard H say "temporarily" H is just a smart ass. I jmean that he would even say something like that to his son.
H then asked who else I had told that H moved back. H said what did they say and then added "oh you mean that loser moved back" or something like that. I think the more poeple I tell the better at this point.
I'll keep acting as if, Sage I like your ideas and WILL try those next time...
It is still a rollercoaster ride, isn't it!! At least, H is HOME now, which does make me feel really good inside.
We really had a great evening otherwise. He helped pick up dishes after we ate dinner, we watched a football game for awhile and then went to bed. H woke up a little earlier than usual this am and found me awake without a shirt on and well you came imagine what happened. Since H has been home we've ML three times already, H is very HD. I have the feeling the OW just didn't do it for H sexually...but than who knows.
Today started off on a good note, H even came into the bathroom while I was in the shower to say goodbye. Today might be a better day...at least for me.
Pam, I think you're right, it must be that Monday thing!! It's so confusing. I found this at Hearts Blessing and makes sense that maybe S is going through this phase?
Quote: Quoting Hearts Blessing: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This is concerning Acceptance
You mention thes "splits" - how does this work - what does it look like? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Their personality "disintegrates" into several people-it is kind of like a psychiatric disease-schizophrenia, Three Faces of Eve...etc.
You will see many people within, personalities you have NEVER seen before-and you will recognize YOURSELF in some of them-as normally, we pick and choose how we are "packaged"-and did this a long time ago, when we became adults-or so we thought we did.
Each personality comes forward to be seen and tested-plus there are children who are mixed up within, too-the products of childhood wounds, second adolescence, etc.
You never know who you are going to see at any given moment, and it is hard to keep up with, but the bottom line is you MUST accept what you see-no matter who is showing.
You will see "flashes" of the OLD, "flashes" of the "new", and it is an internal struggle.
The best way to react is to accept this split and be patient-no matter who you see.
For it is at this time they will choose what they will keep and what they will throw away-and come through as mature adults for the FIRST time in their lives.
IF this doesn't complete-they WILL recycle-I saw it happen with my husband-description, page 3.
Normally they should complete this internal battle, face their final fears, bottom out and come on out of the tunnel-beginning the start into the stages of Acceptance.
This is exactly how I feel my H is behaving.....he can't decide who he wants to be, I'm confusing the whole situation by not responding to his "tests" which is even more confusing to H. H keeps trying to go back, but by my not reacting the old way, it's not letting H go back? This is how I'm kind of seeing it.
I mean of someone were viewing us from above, they would wonder what the H*** is going on in that house!
Since H has been home we've ML three times already, H is very HD. I have the feeling the OW just didn't do it for H sexually...but than who knows.
