Quote: Right now, I don't want him back the way he is OW can have him...until/unless he snaps out of his fog and realizes what he's left behind and that it's the best thing that's ever happened to him. When I got married my mom said that H was the best thing that ever happened to me, well she had it backwards I'm the best thing that ever happened to H.
This is my sitch, exactly. My mom loved my H. Of course, now that she is gone I guess it is okay for him to act like an ass.
What are your feelings on the OW sitch? Did he end it with her? How are you dealing with that? I know the pressure you feel. I know what you are talking about. I felt my H was headed back, then last night he was cold, did not walk me to my car, no hugs or kisses and I am sure he's talking with her. I am tired of all of this!!
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: He thinks he can just waltz in and out of our lives whenever he wants to, no responsibilities, he's never had any responsbilities, he couldn't handle them in the past either and he doesn't want any.
I'm not waiting forever for this idiot to wake up and smell the coffee or the diesel fuel!! It just kills me that I let him treat met the way he does, the way he just moved out and thinks it's okay. My goodness so he's having a problem with his life, than fix it and be a man!
That's just it he's such a man that he can't be anything else. Can't ask for help, doesn't let me help him, doesn't care that I loved him and that I was going through my own problems...and here I sit at work crying about the f****** idiot. I am sooo sick of this whole bunch of crap.
If I had enough money and didn't have so many responsibilites I'd be out of here in a minute with son. I mean move to another state and say the hell with you H you with OW so stay with her, she can have your sorry a**.
I'm sorry, Cathy... I'm rereading your old posts. Your sitch sounded like mine!! I guess I am jealous that you have skipped ahead, but very happy for you. Anyway, what you wrote above is how I'm feeling today!! Especially the "sorry a**" part!!
How do I do this? How do I get on with it? And what is ahead? MORE WORK
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Cathy, I was very happy to see your news. I wanted to make a post yesterday, but I was afraid of what I would say.
You see my H also came home last year, but he left again. I wanted to give you some advice about what worked and what didn't work. But then I thought, maybe I'm not the one who should be helping her? If I didn't succeed.
But then I read your post from earlier today, and I see you having the same thoughts and reactions that I did. I struggled with many of the same emotions, and it was so confusing. I felt like I was walking on eggshells. So, I thought I'd share with you what I saw during that 12 days when he was home.
We did have some physical contact, kissing, hugging, holding hands. Some intitiated by him, and some by me. But he was not interested in me sexually at all. Obvious remants of OW, and an indication to me that he wasn't over her. We finally did ML the day before he left again, but that was more of my desperate attempt to keep him. I felt horrible and cheap after. I'd say let him find the spot that is comfortable for him. Test the waters, and if he seems to enjoy the emotional/physical connection, then try it again.
My H went to bed early every night. But my H was also suffering from a deep depression. He was barely able to function for the first few days. He seemed to get better when he went back to work the following week, but I later found out that it was because he was in contact with OW. (They work at the same office.)
Does your H seem like himself? Does he seem depressed? Many times when they are coming away from an A, they have a hard time of letting go of OW. And when they try, they go into a deep depression. The link between them is very hard to break. But obviously, if your H is home, that link IS BREAKABLE -- thank goodness, huh?
My H also came home from work late, no calls. Even after I told him that was one of the things that I needed from him. I found that my needs were not as important as his. When I saw that your H came home late, my first thought was "Was he working or with her?" Of course, you answered that in your next sentence.
I don't think my H ever made a clean break from OW, and never completely invested himself back into our M. Because of that, I lost him again.
Like what you are experiencing, we also didn't spend any time together, other than watching a movie one night. No dates, no time to rebuild our M. We did go to one C session though. Again, with my H, that was him trying to get settled back into our M, and trying to let go of the R with the OW.
I did no R talks, and never asked about OW. It seemed to be important to him to have the space he needed to adjust. He told me he needed some time. When we finally did have R talks, they were initiated by him, and it was obvious that he was ready to share with me.
I did say ILY, but he never returned it. That really hurt. If you do decide to say that, he may not return it. I hope he does, but be prepared either way okay?
Again, I'm no expert, but I think you're right about your H talking to you about his reasons for being at OW's. In his time, he will open up and talk to you about what is happening. Just like this is a confusing time for you, it is also a confusing time for him.
I know exactly how you feel...Should I say this? Should I do that? Am I pushing him? I don't want to make him uncomfortable? Is he thinking about her? Etc... You are in a tough spot right now. But do your best to be yourself, give him the space and time he needs to adjust.
There are some really great books out there, in case you haven't read them. Of course Michelle's books are great. I also read something like "After the Affair", and several others. Unfortunately they are still packed in boxes and I can't get to them. Otherwise, I'd be happy to give you the titles. These books helped me understand what H was going through, and helped me understand how to react, and what we needed to do to rebuild our M. They were awesome!
He'll find his way. You just show him that unconditional love that you obviously have in you, and have faith that he will get there. When he does, you'll be there with open arms.
And above all else....Pray like crazy. God will lead you and give you the strength and faith that you need to get you through. I don't know what I would have done without the kind of faith that moves mountains.
Sorry for the long post, but I felt like I needed to share some of those experiences with you. Your posts could have been written by me a year ago, and I had to try to help. If you have any questions, or need anything, I would love to help or at least try to tell you what happened.
I am so very happy for you! And I'm looking forward to reading your next post.
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
Wow - I knew there was a reason that I moved over to pieicing! I can only hope that I can report such news sometime!
I will be curious to know how you address all of the stressors added by his return. I have some of the same thoughts about my own sitch due to the weird parallel relationship I find that we are in.
I would agree with those who have suggested just easing back into your R and letting your actions around others speak for you. You don't need to explain his return - just savor it.
Enjoy this second honeymoon - here's hoping it will last until eternity. Prayers for you and your family.
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
MAL~ Great post! I'm glad you posted it! Too long? Never! It is wonderful that some of you that "made it" come here and help those of us. I hope Cathy got out of it what she needed, it sure made a light bulb go on for me!
Cathy,
T2 could help you with some of this. It is very difficult when the S come home. We are use to one mode and then we have to kick in to a totally different one. All I can say is what I learned from T2; this is not easy!
So hold on and keep doing what you've been doing. My guess is he will be going through OW withdrawal. Give him space and don't push!
I read this yesterday and since then a lot has happened, at least in my mind. So now today it makes much more sense about the WD, plus the fact that H came back home so fast, headspinning actually.
H did work yesterday most of the day, then was to come to his parent's after work as he was going to hunt all day today. I tried to call him at 4 pm, he didn't answer his cell phone. About 6ish my SS tried to call his dad and there was no answer. D called a little bit later and said he had to work late and would be there in an hour or two. We both thought he was at home getting ready to come up. About 9 H calls again is on his way, from the tavern, he hadn't even been home and was on his way to parents. H didn't bring his hunting clothes because he thought I would be hunting today and he would watch our S. SS said I didn't bring anything, so H didn't show up at his parents. I called our house about quarter ten last night and there was no answer.
H called me about 8 am at his parents, I asked him why he wasn't hunting. H said he wasn't up yet..so I said S and I will be there in about an hour. So we get home about 9ish and h is getting ready to go hunting. Our bed doesn't look lilke it's been slept in either..not sure, but pretty sure.
So I'm ASSuming since H knew I wasn't going to be home last night that H saw her and then he stayed at OW's...he still has her housekey on his key ring as well as her garage door opener in his truck.
Quote: Does your H seem like himself? Does he seem depressed? Many times when they are coming away from n A, they have a hard time of letting go of OW. And when they try, they go into a deep depression. The link between them is very hard to break.
This morning he seemd kind of down. I came into the bedroom happy and H asked me why I was so goofy or whatever, I said can't I be happy around you? H said "you're NOT happy" and wouldn't return my hug or my kiss.
Quote: But obviously, if your H is home, that link IS BREAKABLE -- thank goodness, huh?
I don't know, is it? After last night I'm not so sure, now.
Quote: I don't think my H ever made a clean break from OW, and never completely invested himself back into our M. Because of that, I lost him again.
H hasn't made any kind of break yet. He's seen her Friday night and I'm ASSuming spent some time with OW last night. Has more stuff at OW's house.
Quote: Again, I'm no expert, but I think you're right about your H talking to you about his reasons for being at OW's. In his time, he will open up and talk to you about what is happening. Just like this is a confusing time for you, it is also a confusing time for him this good to remember, as H probably doesn't have a clue how this was going affect him .
I know exactly how you feel...Should I say this? Should I do that? Am I pushing him? I don't want to make him uncomfortable? Is he thinking about her? Etc... You are in a tough spot right now. But do your best to be yourself, give him the space and time he needs to adjust.
Do I ask him about last night? I'm ASSuming he is going to have a rough time breaking from OW as according to H she did 75% of the pursuing and I'm sure OW's not ready to give up yet. She was brazen enough to take him away and I'm sure OW will try to play on my H's emotions.
Oh poor me you're leaving, I don't know if I can do this without you, and blah, blah. I mean OW got him there and he was "kept man" while he was there so maybe H feels like he owes her something, don't know.
This is going to be tough, I probably shouldn't bring anything up about last night should I? I have a feeling he was lying about everything, the only real indication I have that he was drinking last night is that his gut is messed up and this does happen when he drinks.
Maybe now that this weekend is over H will start adjusting and the mess up that happened yesterday won't happen again. I won't be leaving him overnight on his own for awhile.
So how pathetic is this, I found the jeans he wore yesterday and they do smell like a bar, so he was definitely drinking and since he went right after work, H was in the vicinity of OW's.
Quote: T2 could help you with some of this. It is very difficult when the S come home. We are use to one mode and then we have to kick in to a totally different one. All I can say is what I learned from T2; this is not easy!
EASYis an understatement!! I'm still in H is gone mode, I'm so used to that MODE! Basically on the weekends there was very little contact and now that H is back I'm still in that mode. When is T2 back anyway, I think I'm going to really need her through this.
Quote: So hold on and keep doing what you've been doing. My guess is he will be going through OW withdrawal. Give him space and don't push!
I'll keep doing what I've been doing, it's become second nature. The OW thing is going to be rough, I don't want to live the rest of my life wondering every day where H is, can I believe him, the trust thing.
I just can't describe my feelings right now. Maybe it's similar to a family who's been the waiting list for adopting a child for a year and then get a call saying, we have a baby for you. And your instant parents, no nine months to prepare for it.
Quote: Hope you are having a great weekend!
Deb, I'm having a great weekend!! I've hardly seen my H, which might not be such a bad thing, he'll be hunting most weekend till the end of this month, so it'll maybe give us both time to adjust.
Cathy, I totally feel for you and understand HOW you must feel. My H is not home, but told me he told OW to move out... but I still feel certain there is a lot of contact. I am very uncomfortable about the whole thing. I think my H is trying to keep tabs on us, but do his own thing with whoever he is doing it with. He is not forthcoming at all with what he is doing, yet asks where were you, what time did you come home, who where you with, etc. I find the whole thing very hurtful.
Anyway, all I can say is PATIENCE. Clearly, if you start asking questions, you may drive him out again. Something brought him home. That is a positive. I would say (and, as you know, I am not in your situation) no R talks. I think as women, and as the LBS we want to fix things, to ensure that it won't happen again, to talk, etc. But we can't go there. We can't even get in the same neighborhood. The A has to burn itself out. You can be loving, funny, etc. Be you. But live your life.
Take care of yourself. This is just another step, unfortunately, we are running a marathon.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
My H always wanted to know what I was doing, who I went with, when did I get home, it was frustrating, but I had nothing to hide so I told him. I was told that H did this because H was afraid I would move on w/o H. H told me from the start of this that "he didn't know what he was doing" and also told OW the same thing. I did believe him when H told me this, up until last Friday he event said this My H can be very honest, sometimes brutally, and once he makes a decision he'll do it.
Quote: Anyway, all I can say is PATIENCE. Clearly, if you start asking questions, you may drive him out again. Something brought him home. That is a positive. I would say (and, as you know, I am not in your situation) no R talks. I think as women, and as the LBS we want to fix things, to ensure that it won't happen again, to talk, etc. But we can't go there. We can't even get in the same neighborhood. The A has to burn itself out. You can be loving, funny, etc. Be you. But live your life.
This is where I get confused. I read that an A must end in order for the marriage to heal. So now that H is home, I just ASSume H should go cold turkey, but then every situation is a little different.
You're right something did bring him home, so I just need to keep being ME and patience, patience, and more patience.
I wonder what OW is going to do with her bass boat now considering she doesn't even fish....she just poaches other women's property .
I think my H did stay here last night as there is a Culver's bag in the trash. Welllll, I smelled something funny in the trash (it was relativle new bag) and so I looked!! There's also a dirty plate by the sink. So I am now pretty confident of that, whether he saw her last night or not well that doesn't matter.
