Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? WAH and LBW separated and dark

Your H is co-dependent, he thinks he is responsible for how his parents feel. He doesn't know where he stops and they start. Solution - teach him by modeling healthy boundaries. This will be good for you.

You two do a lot of mind-reading I bet. "You think____________." Since you didn't communicate well you fill in the blanks. Solution - be very clear about what you think and feel. Harville Hendrix has some good examples on healthy dialouge.

"H I am not out to get anything more in a D then what the law allows. This wasn't my idea but I am surely going to look out for myself."

Boundary and let's him know what you are thinking.


It sounds like your H was attracted to you because you are the opposite of his Mom - independent, low maintenance, interesting etc. Have you tried getting him to help you with something? I get the impression that he was taken care of too much.


What are your goals?

What are you grateful for?

How are you taking care of yourself?

Who have you helped today?

Cheers
Coach

thank you for taking a look at my thread, coach.
it means a lot to me.



someone previously thought i was co-dependent.
then i started reading up on it and then realized that there was a strong co-dependency between h and his parents.
my ic has been telling me that in order for the m to work, h has to establish healthy boundaries between his parents and our m. but he has to enforce these boundaries.
during our 4 yrs of marriage, the lines blurred and now i'm the one being forced out.
you are right. h thinks he's responsible for how his parents feel.
when his mother cries and accuses me of upsetting her, he automatically assumes she is right and he gets mad at me.
they have told him that they are questioning his judgement in marrying me.
and because they have planted that seed in him, he started questioning his own judgement.
he feels that his parents would never do him wrong and that they are only trying to help and doing what's best for him.
so he never questions their motive.
i've watched them destroy our marriage and many times, i feel like i'm telling a brick wall that his parents are manipulating him. he accuses me of being the bad one. he just doesn't see it.

how do i teach him healthy boundaries? we are already physically separated.
his mother came to help him pack and she practically did everything for him.
he didn't have to lift a finger.
in his mind, he's hurt from the d-process because he feels he's getting shafted financially. and he's on some emotional rollercoaster and mommy is just here to soothe his pain and make things better because the evil jezebel (me) has made his life miserable. sorry for the rambling but this is word for work what his mother has said.

i feel betrayed because he's asked for the d with no real reason.
now he's blaming me for the financial toll it's taking on him.
is it my fault that he asked for a d without seriously thinking it over?
it's like he thought dropping the d-bomb was revenge for "hurting" his parents .. only to find out that it's coming back to bite him in the wallet.
so now his stupid move is also my fault.



yes, i admit. we weren't the best communicators.
when the d-bomb was made an option (but not officially dropped), i laid it out and told him exactly what made me upset. i told him how words he said had hurt me deeply. but i just got a blank stare and it was like he didn't get it.
when i told others, they got it immediately.
i was at a loss for words. it was almost as if he was blocking it.

when i think about it, when h had an issue with me he confided in his mother and never addressed anything with me directly. he would tell me that he'd vent to his mother and she'd "defend" me - giving him the impression that she sided with me. so if i had to enforce boundaries with his mother, it would be seen as a defiant move. here is his mother siding with me, and i'm here being mean to her. so it showed that i was the evil one. does this make sense? in a passive aggressive way.



this is where h started accusing me of being a gold digger. that hurt me too because i was never that. he said that one of our differences was that we had different spending habits - his being more lavish than mine. i said we couldn't both spend that way otherwise we'd go broke. so i saved and was a conservative spender.

and then he goes and tells me he felt a fair and equitable split was 75% for him and 25% for me. he wanted me to agree to this split and if i didn't agree to it, then i was a gold digger.

who asked for this d again? and you want to walk away with 75%? who is the real gold digger here? is it my fault that the law is there to protect me? apparently to him, yeah .. this is ALL my fault.

it's my fault that his parents exaggerated their feelings about me.
it's my fault that i'm forcing him to d-file me.
it's my fault that the law says i'm entitled to a share that is not ideal to him.
it's my fault that he's on this emotional rollercoaster.
i'm just the world's most evil b*tch, am i?
why would anyone want to be with me ever again? i'm just dirt.

four months of this. i have never had my self-esteem just beaten down like that before. and all during the four months, i had to keep a brave face on.



he always said he didn't want to marry someone like his mother.
then why is he taking his mom's side? why does it suddenly appear like he's leaving me because i'm not like his mom?

i don't understand why he called me needy and clingy when i don't call him for every small thing?
i don't need him to do things for me. yeah, it's nice to have him cook dinner with me but i don't need him there. i can do it myself.

yes, he was taken care of way too much. he never even had to take out the garbage. a task that somehow i owned (as he put it) yet, this was never communicated to me. he's so taken care of to the point where he never has to think about doing anything.



i want to own my own place again. we sold our dream home because neither of us could afford to stay in it. my goal before marrying h was to own my own home. i feel i've been set back a bit due to my m breaking down but i don't want to let that stop me. i can do it and i will.

i want to be financially independent going forward. i never relied on h for money and i don't intend to live it up because of the settlement $$. i want to be smart about my finances. i would love to be one of those successful women under 40.

i want to take my mother on vacation with me. she has suffered greatly because she knows her boundaries. like all moms, she wants to take the pain away and feels helpless that she can't. my mom doesn't cry and i think she has cried more than she ever has because of me.

i know it's depressing to talk about wills but because i have no children, i want my assets to be passed down to my nieces and nephews. i love children and may never have any of my own. but i want to take care of them as if they were my own. they may all be under the age of 9 right now, but they understand what i'm going through and have made me smile when i didn't feel like smiling.



i am grateful for the support i have received from family, friends, co-workers, and people on this board.
i am very lucky. i was ready to face this alone but my supporters insisted that they be there with me every step of the way. wow.



i am going back to regular IC sessions.
i'm taking yoga, decorating my own apartment the way i want to (this is a big deal for me because when we owned the house, everything was decorated to please h's parents).
i've made a list of things i want to do - tennis, new activities.
i started buying clothes that i think are cute.
i don't eat out because i know it's not good for me.
i eat fresh and healthy foods but the weight is still dropping. i am concerned about this.
i am also writing in my journal again on the advice of my IC.



nobody yet.

i am very grateful for your advice coach.
i am a true novice with relationships because my h was my first love. no previous relationship experience. it's been very hard on me. he was my best friend. we watched sports together and i impressed him often with my jeopardy/trivia skills. and somehow he suddenly finds me revolting. at least, this is what i think.

he hasn't tried contacting me. nor have i tried contacting him.
i let him take the lead on dividing the furniture at home.
he skewed the rules so things were in his favor. i didn't care.
i got what i needed in order to settle in my own apartment.
and i'm not one to fight over stuff.
it's just stuff. stuff doesn't make me happy. it's just clutter.
what makes me happy? having someone to share special moments with - vacation, career achievements, silly mistakes that we can laugh at, birthdays, anniversaries, lovemaking, knowing that someone has my back, getting through the tough times together.

that's what the Good Girl is all about. she's not about money.
she's independent, smart (with the occasional blonde moment), witty, interesting, well rounded, clean cut, and someone you want on your side.

the Good Girl.

It sounds like you were "Mothering" him. Money, responsibilities, tasks, no need for him to take care of you. He was a child in the M. He probably said you were needy and clingy because he felt responsible for your feelings.



These are all places to enforce boundaries. His problems are his problems don't let him heap his issues onto you.

You are doing the right things.


Cheers

yes, i guess i was 'mothering' him.
i was trying to be responsible where h wasn't responsible.
i figure we were a partnership. where he was weak, i'd be strong. where i am weak, is where he is strong.

if he was responsible for my feelings, why did he say things to hurt my feelings and then be oblivious to the fact that i'm hurt?



why do i feel like those boundaries are not mine to set?
i can't control the boundary between him and his mother.
i'm sticking to the law - i am not waivering and i'm not asking for more than what i am entitled to.
i'm trying not to let him get to me with the accusations.
but at some point, when will he ever realize this?
my boundary setting is to just walk away and let him work on his own issues that he may or may not even be aware of.
he's just sitting in his own world lamenting how unfair things have been for him and his parents because of evil me.



thanks coach.

i hate to ask this.
i can do all of the right things but will i ever get my bf back?
is there ever a way to turn an ILYBINILWY into a ILY again?
i ask you because of your knowledge of people and relationships.

the Good Girl.

The boundaries are for when he tries to blame you or make something your problem that is his.



To quote Bob Dylan, "The answer my friend is blowing in the wind, the answer is blowing in the wind."



Absolutely.

even in my case where my h seems to only see himself and nobody else?

your answer nearly brought me to tears.
i thought it was impossible because i can't see how h will ever get passed the "financial ruin" he thinks i put him through.

am i doing the right things to make myself attractive again?
i have left h to take care of himself.
i can no longer 'mother' him.
there is nobody to high five when the lakers win.
there is nobody to "play" jeopardy with.
he was expecting me to be the vindictive woman who is being faced with d.
but i have not. i have stayed true to myself and kept my composure. i have not been greedy, vindictive, or conniving.
i have no cried.

i want to look back and not have any regrets.
i don't want to look back and say "geez, i shouldn't have done that or said this".

my support team is proud of how i have been so far.

i will be okay. regardless which way this goes.

i would appreciate it if you could check up on me every once i a while. i know this is just the beginning and it will take time. deep down, this good girl is scared and very hurt but is trying to put a brave face on.

the Good Girl.

Hey Good, I agree with Coach--you are doing the right things.

And I am one that heard the ILY after I got the ILYNILY.

I got the ILYNILY on Feb 28, 2004. I will never forget that date.

But I don't know when I got the ILY--I think it took a year.

Last Wednesday my H said he was going to see a lawyer. (to divorce).

He has issues. He has had them a long, long time. He wants a mom--I am not his mother. I probably will refuse to EVER knit.lol.

I am in a MUCH better place now than before--I made changes for me, and I know how to GAL (I LOVE GAL!!! I am EXCITED about GAL!!) If my H wants to go--go. I am dressing sexy and trying to flirt, but in the end? Like coach said--it's blowing in the wind. Someone may appreciate it--maybe "someone" is H and maybe not.

You could win back your H and be right back here again later--you just don't know.

Do it for you. Make your life good for you.

thanks lauraoh.
i hope that everything i do leads to some kind of result.
even if i don't save my m, i would at least like to have my best friend back.



i'm glad one of us got our h to change his mind.



sorry to hear that he's going to a lawyer to d.
i am reading the book "getting back together" (forgot the authors) but they warn how you need to do a lot of work before you get back together.

did you get back together too quickly? if you don't truly address the issues, it will not last.

i don't want to go back to the old routine. i want a new marriage with my h. one where we both make changes to our communication style.



ah. that's what he meant by that bob dylan song.



trying to do this. i am aware that i could end up back here. but i am hoping that we work on our issues together.
it's tougher because we don't have kids to keep us together. too many people have told me to just give up and move on. that he's no good - his true colours have come out. but i love him for who he is. i am going to append a post to this thread after this reply and explain a bit.

the Good Girl.

update.

i had a session with the ic today and made a discovery about my r with h.

a few times, i've been asked by folks on the board what our LL were.

i thought my LL was physical touch.
but after reading a few of my own posts, my LL isn't really physical touch. physical touch is a close second but my true LL is quality time.

i wrote in earlier posts that i wanted my h because i enjoy spending time with him. the things i valued were our vacations, birthdays, anniversaries, lovemaking, knowing that he has my back and i have his, facing adversity together, and share embarrassing moments together.

i also learned that h's LL was receiving gifts.

before our blow up at the end of december, h had said some things that hurt my feelings.
when i told him that it hurt my feelings, he brushed me off and didn't understand why i was so hurt by it.
as a result, i did not buy him this kitchen gadget that he really wanted for christmas.
i was by the words he said and then i was more hurt because i flat out told him and he didn't acknowledge it.
so i couldn't get myself to hit the "order" button.
he found out that i didn't buy it and my guess is that he felt unloved by me doing that.

i felt like i was neglected or invisible when his parents are around. i didn't get the quality time that i wanted.

i can remember our first anniversary.
my fil was in town and on our anniversary night, i booked a night at a fancy hotel. i called h and told him to meet me there.
fil was not happy that i stole my h away for a night with me.
this move came back to bite me.
all i wanted was a special night with my h. my fil was in town for 2 weeks. i couldn't even steal my h away for 1 night on our first anniversary.

most of the time, that's all i want. is quality time with my h.
spend a weekend in bed together. we did that during our dating years. why did we stop doing that after we got married?

h claims that lack of bedroom action was a reason for d-filing.
but i'm revving to go for an entire afternoon and he rather go shopping for home decor.

me in victoria secret cheeky panties? or home decor shopping to decorate the home for his parents?

i'm not the money hungry biatch that h has made me out to be. i'm not impressed by expensive gifts. every time h tries to buy me a gift, i tell him i don't need those things.
he thinks that buying me gifts is a way to show his love.
in reality, that's his LL. and i messed up by not buying him the kitchen gadget he wanted.

i don't know how to fix it.

that's my revelation for the day.

the Good Girl.

Wow! That is one huge revolution!! I *guessed* at you wanting the quality time thing--I was trying to figure out how your H saw you as "clingy"--and those people around here with that LL sometimes get that response.

But GIFTS--oh boy--that one is LAST on my list and I have messed up BIG TIME with the people that love gifts (my mom, sister, and stepmom) Gift people need regular little gifts with thought behind them--just like you crave the time spent together--he craves those gifts.

You know what? I wouldn't even HESITATE to send him a little something--with a small note saying you thought of him and got it. You have nothing really to lose at this point. You are not a big pursuer, and it would be a huge 180. You may get a very negative reaction at first. It doesn't matter--I still would do it.

Listen--I'm not in the worst place right now--my H said he wanted to go to a lawyer on Wednesday of last week, and then on Friday he bought a 50 inch television for our living room. I go by his actions not his words. His actions say he's not going anywhere anytime soon (hey, and if he does, I'm keeping the television!)

I have been a terrible boundary setter--it is the one thing I DIDN'T do when I was here before. And he is a very strong-willed man. He has been BEGGING for me to stop him from being an out-of-control maniac for the past year with a remodeling project. We got to a VERY good place, but then I let him start something and you know how they say that remodeling will test your marriage? It did and we failed.

And Good, I was here 6 years ago because like you I had NEVER spoken my H's LL--which is Acts of Service. I used to FIGHT him about it--told him to do things himself all the time.

I did a COMPLETE 180 and it was HARD. He was SO distrustful at first. (well, because he didn't want me to do ANYTHING for him after he said ILYNILY) I just pursued (not my normal nature) through his negativity (and he was PISSED). To this day, EVERY DAY, I ask what I can do for him. When things got really bad last year he was running me ragged. I do have to put limits on this. But as much as I can, without making myself crazy, I do things for him.

You know, your H's parents may "understand" his gift LL. Or they may be like you and "competing" with your quality time LL. I know my MIL "gets" that my H loves acts of service--for one thing her H is like mine--so my H sees her run herself silly for her H and wants it to be the same here.

But I still need a life--she has decided she doesn't need one, but I DO.

I would really put some thought into this. I don't know "how", but EVERY TIME you see him, have "something"...

Oh! Even if it is not for HIM--have something for his dad, or mom, or a friend--those work well too. I give my gift people gifts for their pets, or them, or someone they know...