recently we physically separated and neither of us have made any effort to contact the other.
is this normal?
i've only recently made peace with myself that it's out of my control. the only thing i've done is be happy with what i have and control only the parts of my life i have control over.
i've started seeing IC again found a financial planner to help me make sure my finances are in order for me to live by myself for the rest of my life.
i worry about H we didn't part on hostile ground but he's gone dark on me and it makes me feel like i underestimated the situation. i thought we parted cordially but there was one incident where he on purposely avoided me.
i keep thinking back to our last few days together and i can't remember a time when we fought.
h asked for the d so i agreed and went along with it. we split our household items and i kept my composure throughout. h was making up the rules so that things favored him but i really didn't care.
so why would a WAH go dark and avoid the LBS when the LBS doesn't remember parting on negative terms?
it's just odd to me. i'm okay with being friends because that's what WAH wanted.
i think h is aware of DB and MWD so sometimes i wonder if he thinks i'm db-ing. to be honest, the db rules kinda came naturally to me.
i have made some 180s and i so wish he could see the changes in me. i've never been more proud of the way i look.
for the longest time, i kept worrying about h. i had the hardest time detaching because i thought detaching meant to stop loving.
in jan, h dropped the d-bomb. i begged, cried, etc. and suggested we get counselling. he opted for individual counselling. IMO, he went to counselling to justify his reasons for d. he told me he needed space. i went away to visit a family for a week. i came back and he had made the decision for both of us that d was the only solution. he said we couldn't live together and we had too many differences that couldn't be fixed. i didn't buy it but i said ok. how do you want to do this? do you want 4 place settings and i'll take 4 place settings? he looked at me in shock and said "you've been preparing for this, haven't you?!" ugh. look, how could i not look up the d laws so i could protect myself? i wasn't preparing for it. i was looking to protect myself. h dropped the d-bomb without reviewing the d-laws. i tried to warn him that it was going to hurt him financially. he felt that it was a small price to pay to get me out of his life. since, he has had a rude awakening and that the "small price" isn't so small after all. but being the dummy he is, he is pressing on with the d. he is also very bitter about the "small price" he is paying. i fear that this is going to make him hate me and he will never get passed this. it's not my fault that the law is the law. i'm not even fighting for more than what the law says. but he thinks i'm being greedy for going with the law. i don't want to be a doormat or give up too much just to save my m. i want to save my m but i know there is the possibility that it can't be saved. i love him despite the things he's said. i know that i can't believe 100% of what he says. i understand that a lot of the things he's said were said to push me away.
from mid-march to mid-april, we remained civil at home. cooked dinner for each other and sometimes together. we'd watch tv together and comment about what was on tv. we never talked about the r, m, or d. we'd high five while watching sports.
in mid-april, we packed up our stuff and prepared to move into separate apartments. we had sold our home and ended up renting separate apartments.
h's mother came to help him pack. someone on this board thought i was co-dependent. i started looking up co-dependency recently and realized that h and his mother has a co-dependent relationship. and this was part of the reason why the m broke down.
his mother was in town for almost 3 weeks so during that time, h never contacted me. part of me believes that she came here to ensure that h and i don't reconcile. while packing at the house, she acted like a high schooler who got jealous when her boyfriend was talking to another girl. i know she had a role in convincing h to d me.
now that she's gone home (she live in a different state), i wonder whether h is ever going to get over the financial loss he going to face from this d that he asked for. this is the first week, he's actually on his own. but it feels like he's gone dark on me for 3 weeks already. while he's gone dark, i've started to move on. working on myself. socializing, GAL, and planning my future with just myself.
is it typical for the WAS to go dark? i always felt that separation was necessary for us to get out of this turbulent/angry phase and give us a taste of what life would be like without each other.
it could be too early to tell? will he ever get over the financial part of the d and see me for who i really am? he should know that throughout the entire marriage, i never spent a penny of his.
mr. bond, so i am doing the right thing? i'm giving him space to think things through. when we were still living in the same house, we never had the chance to really think about life without the other person.
h and i never really argued during our m. and even after he dropped the d-bomb, we never argued. i spent a lot of time venting to family, friends, and ic. it kept me from confronting h. i saw early on that it didn't matter what i said .. it wasn't getting through to him. so i stopped discussing the r, or any issues related to m.
he wanted space, i gave him space. and yes, i am starting to look after myself. i get the occasional panic attacks but i'm working on controlling those.
i hope that the time and space will be worth it in the end.
am i on the right track? i've read a lot of the threads here and i'm trying to find inspiration and hope.
I'm no veteran but I will do my best to give you input...
Yes, you are doing the right thing..
Take this time to work on yourself. Invest your time into making you the best you ever. The occasional panics are normal. You feel like he has forgotten about you or that you made a mistake in not reaching out to him. Trust me, he will think of you from time to time, BUT he will not tell you this.
Stop worrying about what he is thinking and why he isn't calling/contacting you.
You need this space to get yourself stronger.
Go out with friends.. meet new people.. have fun.. little by little you'll detach and trust me.. it does not mean you will stop loving him.
it's so sad to me.. because of our WAS's coming to us one day and dropping these bombs on us that they don't L us, we have made ourselves believe that we will end up doing the same. stop loving them like that. we lose sight that they are WAS and are effed up and confused right now.
M: 32 H: 34 S:5 D: 3 D: 1 Together 11 years Married 7 Bomb: PA/EA 8/13/09 (for 1 year on and off) ILYBINILWY: 08/09
"The end of suffering happens with the end of wanting." -Laura Munson
FWIW, my exH has the same twisted type relationship with his mom. When I was packing up his stuff including old cards from me I found letters from his mom when we were in college talking about how she had to get used to "sharing" him with me...gag!
My IC says until he figures out how to extricate himself from his mommy and her stranglehold he will never be fit for a healthy relationship with any woman....and that is out of my control. She was so excited when he got his own place she went out and bought a crock pot, dishes, art for the walls, etc all the while saying how bad she felt that he was leaving me. Yeah right!
i've been reading through the posts and following the advice given by the veterans.
i found it a bit discouraging that on other threads, there were posters who seemed like they were picking fights with the veterans and yet, the veterans continued to respond.
whereas, i'm here taking your advice and needing support but nobody is giving me a chance.
it took me a long time to understand what detachment was. i was afraid detaching meant to stop loving. i know i love my h. i also knew that physical separation was needed for us to 'cool off'.
what gives me hope is that there is no OW, no A. my biggest hurdle is the co-dependency between h's mom and h. it is almost as if she didn't like the fact that i had taken over her spot in my h's heart. i saw my h's priority change throughout our m. i went from 1st to 8th on his priority list. it was evident in my last face-to-face with her. she acted as if she won.
sometimes i wish there was an OW. everyone says that an A usually doesn't last. but this is his mother. that dysfunctional relationship won't end until she dies.
it was hard for h to drop the d-bomb and i think he got a lot of pressure from his parents to do it. his mom tends to exaggerate things and cries a lot to her son about how 'mean' i am to her. but everyone who knows me, knows me as the "good girl that you want to bring home to mom". so it'll be hard for h to have to explain to friends why he dropped the d-bomb on the good girl. <-- did i just find my new name?
i gave him space and behaved respectfully throughout the entire ordeal. i did not waiver, argue, or pick fights. i agreed to what he wanted. i disappeared when he needed space. i don't know if i did a good job of it because he took my 'mysterious-ness' as scheming against him. he started to become mysterious himself but not in the same sense that i was. i went out with friends and when he'd ask where i was i'd just say out with friends and not mention whether it was girls or guys. when h acted mysteriously, he was shopping for a L who could fight for more than 50% of our assets. and he shopped around a lot - likely because most L would laugh and say 'uh she's entitled to 50% so that can't be challenged'. he also tried to say things like i want you to pay for your airfare for all those times we flew to see my parents. any gift that his parents gave us, he wanted me to pay for half. how come these things didn't come up before?
money doesn't buy happiness. you can hoard everything in the house. leave me with nothing and i would be fine. i would be sad .. not because i didn't have things. but because i lost the most valuable thing to me - my best friend. there is nothing more valuable in our house that was more valuable than my h.
so far, i'm doing okay on my own. i cook my own meals, clean, do laundry, manage my own business, manage my own bills. i have fun decorating my own place. i go to the gym, i bought some cute clothes getting a hair cut this weekend. i have no received a penny in support payments yet and i manage to do it on my own. yes, there are some changes i need to make about me but my core values have not changed. i'm still the good girl that every guy wants to bring home to mom. i didn't cheat, i didn't steal, and i didn't abuse anyone. even if i don't get my h back, i want my best friend back.
