He's an addict Melody, dont try negotiating or reasoning with addicts.. he's basically telling you what he wants to
There are three routes someone can take when they start an affair
a. Pursue an Open Marriage - Preferably in secret - very addictive b. End the Marriage, destroy your family, and roll the dice with OW c. End the affair, seek family therapy, and rebuild the family
He will ALWAYS take (a) if he has a choice... ALWAYS.. Its addictive, simple, and causes him the least amount of inconvenience.. he has the best of both worlds
EXPOSURE cuts him off from a. You make his affair public and turn to friends and family to turn him and his affair AWAY until he's come to his senses... They will speak the same script as you - End the affair, seek family therapy, and rebuild the marriage... They will NEVER accept OW and she is not at all welcome in their homes.
Upon hearing this, if from a large part of his social circle he WILL get VERY DISCOURAGED about OW... He needs to know there's a future there. If your friends and family can find the courage to tell him "NO" and MEAN it then he will have a lot of doubts about the direction he's heading.
You need to make sure (a) is not available.. he will be drawn to that like a magnet... So, tell him you wont' accept him cheating in your home, and that it harms your daughter, as well as it is an obstacle to rebuilding anything at home.
His excuses about not forgiving himself and delaying the inevitable are just that excuses. Do NOT ARGUE WITH HIM... it just REIINFORCES his CONVICTION that he should leave the marriage.
Your therapist is a fool if they told you to ignore the affair... that's nonsense.
Your H doesn't come back to the marriage with a free pass.. He has to go to family therapy and learn to do the work just like you do... No one gets a free pass.
It is according to Shirley Glass EASIER to bring a MAN back to a marriage than a WOMAN. It is EASIER for men to end an affair than a woman - men tend to be LESS EMOTIONALLY invested in affairs than women get... If a woman starts cheating they put 100% of their emotions into that affair, men can play 50-50 quite comfortably... I think your H is a classic example of this.
You aren't pushing HIM here, you are pushing the AFFAIR out the door and inviting him to LET GO of it before the door shuts him out too...
That's the thing, you expose the affair, encourage friends and family to intervene on your behalf to press him to end his affair... YOU don't press him, your friends and family do. Men do return to their spouses as do women when the hardball approach is employed, its not just a myth... but you NEED to understand HOW hardball is played. There is a right and a wrong way to play hardball with an affair.
And you don't WARN him you are going to expose, you write the exposure script, post here for some input, then DO IT.
HE will be angry, OW will be angry... I assume she's not married? If she IS then you expose to her husband as well. Try to get as much contact info on the OW's husband if she's married.
Let him be angry that you exposed.. locking the liquor cabinet pisses off an alcoholic too, but its for their benefit as much as yours... that crap aint' healthy.
more to come... Try to fill us in on some of the details of whom you have exposed to and the results in a signature... no signature right now. :|
Well, I pretty much called that. I'm sorry you're having to go thru all of this, but your counselor gave you some pretty poor guidance, in my opinion, when they advocated the "Little Bo-Beep" approach (you know, "leave them alone, and they'll come home, wagging their tails behind them.") It doesn't work with affairs, and "ignorance is bliss" is no way to fight for a family.
You asked for examples of women taking a strong stand. Please look up Pearlharbor's posts for a shining example. There are others.
Allen's giving you spot-on advice here. I sense you're looking for the easier path, but I'm afraid there isn't one. Sometimes you have to take the short-term hit in order to gain the long-term respect -- and love.
Hi Puppy and Allen - Thank you so much for responding. Yes, you're right. I'd love an easier "put it all back to normal approach." You're also right that this doesn't exist. My courage comes and goes . . .
I've exposed to his parents and my parents. He is living with his parents. I've talked to his mom twice - once with the phone records indicating high contact and once when she stayed over at our house. Both times I'm sure he ran interference about what was really going on - but the last time I talked to mom she seemed less eager to engage. I know they are pro-marriage (parents been married for 35 years and big on family values) but there's probably an element of not wanting to get in the middle. I've never had irrefutable proof before (i.e. someone saw them kissing and he confessed) so I feel I might need to expose again there. I'm sure siblings hear from mom . . .
I threatened to call OW's BF - which is probably a good idea at this point especially from the ethical sense of I"m really glad other people had the guts to tell me what they saw.
I threatened to call his work - they are both accountants and she is his superior - they shouldn't be doing this. But, bad behavior is rampant in his work environment and I'm not sure of the legal issues of this, so I need to be very careful with this one.
Yes, I should have never threatened. I think that encouraged some serious cat-and-mouse hiding and prolonged the problem because he didn't want to end A but didn't want to face me calling his work.
Thank so, so much for your advice and patience with me while I've come to my senses . . . I have certainly fought with the "denial" stage of the grieving process. It just seems so unbelievable that my H could do this.
Melody if it is all overwhelming right now, the least you should do is expose to OW's bf at this point.
I was surprised to read that it is easier to bring a man back to the marriage. I haven't received that impression on these boards! but of course that is why we are on these boards- most of us- because our spouses are halfway out or all the way out the door.
So here is something I have observed (and maybe Puppy and Allen have seen it as well?) If the cheater hasn't ended the affair upon discovery, it is inevitable that MOST will threaten divorce. It is par for the course. What I would like to see is how many go through with it!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I would expose to OW's boyfriend (why should he be the only one of the four people affected who DOESN'T know the truth?? He has a right to know, and to make his own decisions based on how he sees fit), and also to the workplace. ANYTIME an affair is happening in the workplace, it should be exposed to the company's human resource director (or to the owner if a smaller company), ESPECIALLY when the predator has a direct supervisory role over the cheating spouse (or vice-versa)!!!
There is nothing illegal in sending a well-worded, civil, TRUTHFUL and professional letter. I can provide you with a copy of one that I used, if you wish.
What exactly are you saying when you expose to his parents? I get the impression they have the usual ostrich syndrome (bury their heads in the sand...).
I would meet with them AND his siblings w/o your h there... have a family meeting and sit down to discuss what to do about the marriage.
I know they don't want to get "in the middle", but what they mean is they dont want to "feel uncomfortable"
They aren't getting in the middle, you don't want them to play referee and take sides.. you want them to side with marriage over divorce...
That means they stand up and say BOTH OF YOU.. GO to THERAPY, stop CHEATING and stop LYING and MAKE IT WORK
That's how parents should be handling things, not hiding to spare THEMSELVES some discomfort
If you WARN them what you are planning they will soften the area such that your exposure will be negligible.
Example : If you threaten to call your H's workplace and expose to HR your H will call HR FIRST and warn HR that his wife is "mentally unstable" and to ignore any of her calls.
NEVER REVEAL your hand when you play poker my dear... you raise or fold, and keep your cards close...
This is a game of courage... you are playing it well, but you need to raise your game a bit...
Get his parents MORE involved and expose to his HR department..
if he gets fired that's fine... You lose the $$ but you also lose the OW along with it... I should think thnat's worth the financial hit until your H finds a new place to work
