Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Husband being hateful and cruel. Is this a stage?

I would only add to that you cannot "make" him do anything. You can only make yourself do things. But I do agree you should not let him into your head. The logic is this: It's important for your sanity that you not let the crazies into your head. If you are not sane, you cannot do anything for either of you. He is not going to be sane for a long time if ever. It is therefore up to you.

Life isn't fair. Would be nice if it wasn't so actively unfair sometimes right? But we're stronger than that. We'll be fine. We will be better than fine. We will be better for the experience even though we cannot understand why we are going through this. We will be stronger. Smarter. Happier. We just don't know why and that's how it should be.

Be well.

AJM,
I learned something from your post and it's like a light bulb just went on in my head. You said the MLC r needs to cause us pain because that is the fuel they need to propel them through MLC.

[quote=AJM]

My thought is that for them to face reality is really that much more painful than losing you. They can't be happy either way and they choose the one thing they can try and control - their relationship with you. They tell themselves whatever it takes to make that happen. At your cost.


They will use them for the fuel they can't get from us to propel themselves through this process. They are in desperate need to do so.

Oh. And remember that they may look unhappy to you. And they are. But they will be different around other people. Almost normal to many. It's bizarre how it just all of a sudden (to us anyway) happened overnight. Like an emotional stroke.


Again, how did you get so wise, AJM? All of a sudden it makes sense to me. They do need to strike out at us so they can build up the hate and anger they have for us and then they can justify their own crummy behavior. Which is just sick!! And, yes they must appear normal to their friends. His woman friend told me that my h is "a very kind, caring man. He is great to talk to because he's such a good listener. He would give you the shirt off his back." I told her yes, he is all of those things. I didn't mention that he is also acting like a jerk and he's sneaky, a liar, manipulator, etc. She only sees the good in him and that is what I saw when I first met him. She also told me that he has never said anything about me in specifics. He has mentioned the divorce process but nothing personal. Hmmmm? Not that I put much stock in what she has to say. She looked so wasted I'm not sure she knew what she was saying.

I was also reading another thread where someone mentioned how clueless they are about the whole divorce process. I think my h actually thought he could just move out, pretend he never met me, never had children with me and he can go on his merry way and not pay me a dime. He keeps telling me how broke he is and I can't help but wonder how in the world he is going to manage later on when he's paying me spousal support forever. He is clueless! He once said to me "I can't afford to pay for 2 households." I laughed and said "well what do you think divorce is?" That was months ago when he still had lucid moments and actually talked to me. And at that time, he actually said he might not be able to afford it and would be moving back home. Now, he's in la la land!

I have been keeping a journal, although I haven't been as faithful to it lately. I re-read some of the things I had written when this first started. I could not believe how messed up I was! Even my handwriting was bad. I have a lot to learn and a looooooooooong way to go in this journey. But, I now realize I have come a long way since the beginning. Yes, I still think about him all the time, but I am also going about my day with normal routines.

A friend called me on Friday and told me she had applied to be a professor at the college I went to. Her husband went there too, as well as my husband. They have a satellite branch here in town and she is hoping she can teach there. She told me all of this because they are starting a new program and they need an administrator. She already gave them my name and told them if they hire her, she wants me. Which sounds great to me!!! And the icing on the cake is that if I worked there, I could finish my degree and not have to pay much. So, think good thoughts for me...say a prayer, light a candle, whatever! LOL!

Keep on swimming, keep on swimming.

Forgive me for not knowing how to put in your quote the right way. I am just having one those brain dead moments and can't figure out how to do it! LOL!

You can use the quote button down on the right and it will do it for you.

I'm glad that something helped you gain a different perspective. These things stuck out to me and I think a comment may help a little more.

Mine did the same about money. Funny since she didn't have any. But what I learned from that is that money is not the reason to allow them back. I did anyway, and if I were to do something differently that would be it. Try not to let them come back for financial reasons. They should only come back if they are ready to work on the relationship. No other reason will be good enough. Looking back, that was the wrong thing because she thought she was done. Told me she loved me. Etc. I allowed it because of advice I got from my pastor and friends. But the truth is she really only came back for her things. Had I looked at the bigger picture I'd have seen that she was coming back for the wrong reasons and wasn't really coming back. Cie la vie.
I am not sure they are "clueless" per se. They are more like fooling or lying to themselves as to what it would be like. As if they are reading romance novels and believe it. Or too much television. They are torn between worlds and will tear you apart like a panicked drowning victim. Keep some distance there until they are completely worn out. Really. The first time you think they are tired and ready to come home, is just the rest in many cases. Watch for it. Be skeptical if you can. It is sick. It's twisted. But it is what it is. So many similarities....
I am very happy that things are changing for you. I think really what is changing is your perspective Good things happen around you all day every day. You have been so shocked and mown over that your perspective may have changed. You need to work hard to change that perspective yet again back to a place where you see the positives. The funny thing about that is that positive begets positive. Try it and see if I'm wrong

Bottom line is that you are doing incredibly well considering what you've been handed. It's not fair. It's not what you planned. It's not what you want or wanted. But it will turn out very well if you work at your part. If you work to be positive and to be the person you want to be. He will make his own decisions and will his own mistakes. You cannot help him and you cannot change him. The best thing you can do is to be careful not to let him into your head and don't let him influence your behavior. Because if you do, you'll spin like the crazy person he has become.

You cannot see the future. But you know that great things and happiness that you never dreamed possible is ahead. Trust that it is. Trust that even these "dark" times (is that right? Is it dark or is just that you didn't want this at this point and this is really possibly the best thing that could have happened to you in your life? hmm....)will lead to greater light and happiness and fulfillment than you could have dreamed or planned for yourself. Because it will happen...

Work on you. Work on getting yourself to the place you want to be. Be honest with yourself and realize that some of these detours will prepare you for the happiness in the future. Realize that there will still be times you think about, are sad about, and maybe even miss him. When those times come, don't run away from them but rather face them. Realize they are there for your benefit and go through them. You can. You will. You will flourish. I can tell

AJ

Covenantkeeper,

Because that ‘s what MLC is. You are still baffled that this stereotypical joke called MLC is really as bad as it is. MLC often looks like bipolar—in the beginning people asked me if my husband was bipolar when I described his behaviours.

MLC is a depression. Treatment is up to him. Dangerous or not, he has to do it himself for it to work.

This is one of the most difficult parts of Standing. Help him by praying—Stand by kneeling down to pray. It hurts to watch those you love spiral into self-destruction. It hurts knowing they are doing it and seeing it happen. And yet interfering is not helpful. Surrender.


I’d say you are close. God is not teaching you to wait—Standing isn’t still. He is teaching you patience.

And I think you are learning His lessons well.

HUGS

CK,

In the most basic terms...

MLC = somthing [censored] up happens to them in their childhood, something their child brains cannot handle or cope with, so it gets put away, and buried deep...like a land mine.

Later...much later, something happens that triggers this buried memory, and all hell breaks loose.

The adult mind shatters and merges with the mind and memory of the child...instant teenager. Instant selfish, self entitled monster.

And this is them now. This new person is them until they come to terms and figure out how to handle what they couldn't handle as a child.

Their mind is litteral fragmented until this happens.

So...

You do not have to buy MLC...about half of mental health professionals do not...but about half do.

If this was alwasy in your husband, if this was just how he is...

Wow...you choose poorly. Are you that easy to fool?

Think about it.

LOL! Jack, you really know how to get through to someone with the direct approach, don't you? No, my husband was not always this way. NO WAY would I have married him if he was! He was a very kind, generous, loving, treated me like a queen kind of guy. Now, he has turned into a monster who hates my guts and goes out of his way to hurt me. Which is why I don't have much if any contact with him anymore. I might be a slow learner, but it finally dawned on me that he could only hurt me over and over if I allowed it to happen.

Months ago I went out of my way to find reasons to talk to him. At least then he was talking to me and hadn't progressed to the hateful stage. When I decided I needed to pull back, he got mean and nasty. As a matter of fact, the more I don't talk to him the nastier he is the next time we talk.

I do believe in MLC. I just noticed there are so many similarities in bipolar disorder that I wasn't sure if it was one or the other. My h has always had a negative attitude. So much so that I would call him BA. (from The A Team) He was the pessimist and I'm the optimist. Well, now that he's immersed himself in his own pity party and whoa is me act, he's more negative than ever! And, if I had all the crap going through my head like an MLC'r does, I would probably act the same way. I can't get over how he is literally acting as if he is following a script with his stages of MLC. Even the phrases and things he says to me are just about verbatim to what I've read on here and in Jim Conway's book Men in Midlife Crisis.

Since I realize what is happening to him that has helped me to not be upset by what he says to me. The re-writing of our history together and the outlandish, "no one in their right mind would ever believe stuff" he comes up with has actually helped me to not be angry. That is not my husband saying those things. My husband is a very intelligent man. He would not believe all he's telling me. Heck, if he heard someone else talking like this, he would probably tell them they need to see a counselor! And, yet now that it's happening to him, of course like everyone else in MLC, he doesn't see that he needs help. He actually believes his new re-written history of our lives. And that's the part that is scary to me. Just the knowing that I can't do anything about this and have to sit back and watch him fall apart is torture to me.

I am terrified that if he does not come to grips with what actually did happen in his horrible childhood before our divorce is final, it will devastate him when he realizes what damage he's done. But, again there is nothing I can do to stop that from happening. Yes, I pray constantly for him!

I almost think it's easier for him to not face reality because he has moved away, doesn't see any family, doesn't go to our church anymore; basically doesn't have anyone around him that would challenge him or demand accountability. And, of course I realize that's what they do! They have to feel better about themselves, so they surround themselves with people who are worse off than they are. And those people certainly aren't going to criticize him since compared to them he's got it all together!

This afternoon I went to the doctor because my allergies are trying to kill me. I mentioned my husband's latest accusations towards me and the doc just brushed it off. He said "well, that's what happens in marriages. You've been married a long time and it takes 2 people to work on it. We may never find out what is really going on with him." At first I felt like him and h were ganging up on me. Then I realized I was the one acting paranoid and our doctor just can't be a go between for us. However, last November when this all started the doc let me know that my h had been talking to him for over a year about our marriage and how he had no feelings for me. Why the doc did not realize what was happening is beyond me! The medical assistant suggested that I change who is allowed to pick up scripts for me and can get medical info. about me. Right now it's still my h and my daughter. I haven't changed it yet. I asked her why she suggested this and if she could tell me if h changed his. She looked and sure enough, his says no one but himself can get any info. about him! Amazing. That makes me wonder if anything happened to him if I would be allowed to make emergency decisions for him and would be told anything about him. The medical assistant also told me my h is a completely different person than who she knew. She said she does not like this new guy. I am comforted just knowing someone else sees what I see.

So, Jack I have a question for you. (even though I already know the answer) I know something has triggered this memory he buried from his childhood, which was awful for him. But, how long does it take for someone to work through that and realize it's not your spouse that caused this? Like I said, I think I already know the answer...no one can know when he will realize this. But, I guess my question is more of a generalization. Is there a normal time period or is there a stage they are going through that would hasten this process? It seems to me the longer it takes him, the more damage is done, and instead of absence makes the heart grow fonder, it's more like out of sight out of mind!

Your answer is the correct one.

It is really up to them. Alot of thier actions is a form of denial and running away.

Generally speaking...it is not a short period of time.

If he wakes up after the divorce? He might kick himself, he might regret it, and who knows? Based upon YOU you both might get back together again.

You know what IS carved in Stone?

You die.

The rest is written in water.

LOL! Jack, you remind me of my husband. Straight to the point. By any chance, are you a fan of Dragnet? You seem like a "just the facts, ma'am" kind of guy.

There is a timeline thread, but in my opinion, it's better not to try to go by it. If it says 2 years for replay and your H takes 4 years, you'll be ready to give it up at 18 months just waiting and anticipating the date coming up.

Hugs