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I felt the same way when I received my check last week and that's 8 onths later.

Take one day at a time. For me since I only see my W twice a week, over a span of 8 months that's 84 times I saw her, divide that by 7 days for a week and that leave me with 12.

12 weeks I have been trying to show her. I guess that doesn't seem like a long time now does it?

Hang in there and make to most of the time you see H.
Remember- look good and have composure. Be attractive- I finally truely understand this.

I'll post more about me next week after my meeting.
TC

I hope you have a productive meeting, gr8. I'll be watching to see how it's done.

H called yesterday, I needed to talk to him about the car insurance that's coming up. I got the paperwork for renewal and found that he'd gotten a speeding ticket in November that he didn't tell me about. He paid it, but never mentioned it. Weird. He acted weird that I had asked him about it--it had raised our premiums by $30 a month, I just wanted to make sure it wasn't a mistake. He somehow managed to take that wrong and told me just to drop him off of if it was going to save money.

That wasn't my point, I told him I wasn't going to drop anything until there was something legal to go by. That led him to ask me what it was I wanted out of this--if I wanted something legal. he asked a couple of times until I finally told him that I had wanted to stay married, I had wanted to be married all along but he had ignored me when I told him how I was feeling, that he hadn't wanted to married enough to work at for all those years when it felt like I was the only one fighting for it. Now I was done wanting to fight for it. I'm sorry, I love you, but I can't live like this anymore. Not yelling. Not sarcastic. Just stated very calmly.

He started to talk about how he felt that I had dumped on him and used him a treated him & the kids so badly.

I didn't defend myself. I told him he was right. I said that I had started to pull away from him so strongly that I'd hurt our family, that there was no excuse and that I was sorry. And I am. Validating didn't seem to make him feel any better, or diffuse the situation--he just kept right on going, and I kept right on listening. Eventually he started to get on the nasty side, so i stopped him, told him I wasn't going to do this and if he wanted to have a conversation where we weren't pointing fingers at each other then he should call me.

We kept talking, he'd been looking for a job, he'd wrecked his motorcycle and gotten some nasty road rash, he'd been helping his mom out around the house since she hasn't had very much help for a while. He sounded a little sad.

I don't know what he wanted me to say. Not "come home". Not "we'll work it out". I don't know that he's going to work on himself, and we can't work on us until he does. I think he needs to stand on his own for a good six months before we even bother to go out for coffee.

Maybe I'm just stressed out or sad or whatever, but I'm having a hard time believing that I'm going to ever be close (physically and emotionally) to any man ever again. Not H. Not anyone. the very thought kind of makes me sick. I always thought I'd have no problem dating again (NEVER married again), but now the very thought of it makes me a little nauseous. Not that I'm thinking of dating (H or anyone else), I have just been reading a lot of threads lately talking about dating & I found that I can't even imagine being there. I'm almost convinced this part of my heart is gone forever. And that's a little sad to me.

A little. lol *sigh*

Input on how to proceed w. H? He called again tonight & "chatted" with me for a few minutes--mostly about his injuries (not in a woe is me way, I kind of think he needs to go to the ER but that's just me). I don't know if he's just getting lonely or what, but I don't know what to do when we're just talking about nothing.

Wishy washy.

That is me.

Having breakfast with friends today, friends whose problems are a little worse than mine. It will be nice to focus on someone else's crap for a while. Then I'm picking up some books from the bookstore & going to workout for the first time in three weeks.

I'm still waiting for that first full day without tears.


Books I'm buying today--

The Divorce Remedy
Love Languages
The Care & Feeding of Husbands
The Laura Munson book

Feel free to recommend any others. I'm kind of in the dark here.

shelbel, I understand how you feel right now because, in so many ways, my sitch feels very similar to yours. H came over last night to spend time with our son, then proceeded (after son went to bed) to hammer away at R issues, no matter how many times I kept saying I wasn't going to talk about it at that point. So many of his responses, though, were -- like your H's -- plain weird. I really feel like he's just pushing me to snap and break things off so he can say it was all my idea.

I have one great book recommendation, by the way. It's not a relationship book, but it does give some great insights into the human spirit: it's "The Survivor's Club: The Secrets and Science that Could Save Your Life." Oddly, I had checked it out of the library before my whole situation came down, but it certainly came in handy. Very good read.

shelbel you have to slow down and take one step at a time.Firstly this is not about you its him and he knows it.When our H get lost in the fog, they are blind completely.They get moments of clarity and they realise what they are doing is wrong but there in lala land.You cant fix this for him.He has to do it himself.In my sitch I always did everything for H.
Hes now in a place where he doesnt know how and where to start to fix things.I wont be doing it.If we dont let them go they wont make mistakes and therefore wont learn.
The priority is you and your kids.We become wives and mothers and lose who we are as individuals.
We have to heal ourselves and be an individual in our own right before we can truly heal and/or be a partner to our H's.
Your old life is gone, let it go, there will be something better out there whether it is with or without your H.
You want to get into a space where you can make an informed decision about your life and M and not do something for the kids, for your H..its has to be what you want too.(((hugs)))
Keep going set boundaries and dont let him spew at you..this reflects how/what he feels about himself.

Thanks JacT.

I know this is his problem & I can't fix them. It's hard to keep remembering that, but I'm trying to reinforce it. Especially when my brain starts to wander into that "...if only he'd (fill in the blank)". I can't make him do anything.

I got the books (and the ones to come) not to figure him out, but to figure me out. I know the titles all look like I'm trying to repair, but I'm not. You won't find "How to win back your husband & completely change who he is in 30 days or less!!' on my bookshelf. (God help us if there really is such a book. I don't wanna know)

I know if I can see the bigger picture, I can figure out where he is coming from, maybe I can figure out where *I* went wrong. maybe I can figure out how to make this entire sitch less painful for our kids. Maybe I can be better prepared for whatever the future throws my way.

Maybe one day I can say all those things and not have it heart my heart, even a little.

Shelbel,

IMO,

From your talk about the car insurance your H is acting like a child who hasn't gotten their way. Cutting off nose to spite face.


Excellent job here. If H does this- say you will not be spoken to in that manner. and when you are ready to talk calmly then call me.

You're doing fine, but I think you need to do more for yourself. Start really GAL.

Another thought- man's perspective
Men feel wnated and needed when they can protect and provide for falimy. It gives them a sense of worth. Since you where the one doing those things he may have felt worthless. Again, just something to think about.

Book-How to Improve your Marriage without talking about It by Pat Love

It goes into why men and women feel the way they do.

gr8

Thank you gr8. I'm trying to stay calm. I either want to cry or yell at him. So far I've done neither. That hes seen anyway.

I will look into that book. I will read anything at this point. Consider me a blank canvas.

Between 3 kids, working full time and trying to take care of the house there isn't a lot of time left for much else. I did go out for breakfast this morning with friends. I had fun. I need to do that more. You are right about needing to do more for myself. I stood standing in the closet looking for something to wear this morning and realized I have nothing more than old Tshirts & scrubs. There hasn't been much extra money the past few years & everything I have usually goes to take care of everyone else. I think I need to go shopping for myself as my first order of business. I really need new jeans--mine are literally just hanging off of me. So not attractive.



I understand this concept, but feel kind of ticked off since he's the one who forced me into the position to begin with. I picked up the slack when he dropped it (throwing those little temper tantrums & refusing to do *whatever*).

So regardless how how we got here, what am to do now? Am I to concoct some situation that I need his help with? I think I would risk getting the "Well you should have thought of that before you kicked me out!" answer again. Right now I'm trying to let him take care of himself without offering help (like money). How do I get him to help us?

It seems a little soon for that, anyway.

Man I wish I had all the answers.

This is a weird situation.
He keeps saying you kicked him out? Right?

Refresh me:
What has been your response to this??


I remember early in my sitch when I was persuing and making promises to change for her. My W said- "don't make changes for me, do them for yourself"
She said this twice to me.

After coming here I thought wow, W knows something about this.

I looked for her on here but she's not.

If an opprtunity arises to say something like this to him, maybe it will sink in after a few times.
He must be willing to make changes for him.Until he understnds this it's not going to improve your R.

Happiness comes from within. Everyday we have a choice when we wake up. I'm finding myself chosing to be in a great mood more often now a days. In fact this has been the best week I have had in months.

remeber the story about the wolf. choose wisely.
m

The wolf story actually went up as my FB status that day. I loved it. I still do. I really am trying.

H says I kicked him out. I say he left. I also say it doesn't really matter, the end result is the same. But I'll recap, I'm sure my posts from those first few days are hard to follow. God knows they were hard to write.

The first time he moved out went exactly like this time.

*We get into a fight. One of many. Very ugly with lots of yelling & personal attacks.
*He tells me that he hates me, that he's my babysitter, that I don't need him & I treat him like garbage.
*I tell him if he's that unhappy to just leave. This time I was literally sobbing, "If you hate me that much, then just go. No, really, go. Just leave, H." It was usually met with, "Why don't YOU leave???" (because the house is in my father's name & I'm paying for everything.)
*He started packing his stuff in the van & I didn't stop him. I didn't beg him to stay. I didn't help him at all, I never touched an item of his. I had to listen to how I better not destroy his stuff or throw it away. How I was a superb@tch, how he was never coming back.

I was surprised at just how quickly I shut down when he started to pack. I didn't engage at all. I just sat there crying. I think that was part of it--I wasn't reacting the way he wanted me too. I wasn't reacting at all. (He said that to me once when I told him I understood he was upset--made a comment that I wasn't upset at all.)

So yeah, he says I kicked him out because I told him to go. I think he left of his own accord. I feel that it's all semantics & doesn't really matter in the end. Gone is gone. Except he gets to play the victim card in his version. I'm not looking for sympathy, so I don't care how it's played out.

Am I wrong? Does it matter when dealing with him? Does this make me the WAS or the LBS?

I'm so confused.