Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Midlife Crisis? Affair? Dunno...

When I read your posts, it`s like I wrote them. I`m back to relearn DB too, because it does work.

It`s so very hard to trust them once they`ve strayed. My H would always tell me nothing was going on with him, and after all this time and all he`s put me through, I believed him only to be fooled all over again. I`m not saying your W isn`t telling you the truth, just my experience and I really couldn`t tell if he was cheating again or not because he can lie to my face even after I show him proof.

Yes, work on yourself, you will become stronger and start to think more clearly. I L my H, he doesn`t L me(he says). the more I work on my issues, the stronger I become, the more confident I become, the better I feel. It took me a while to come to my decision, I`m sure it the right one for me.

Celestial

OldPilot,

@ 268 pages of posts. No, I never posted here. I spent my time in Affairs/Jealousy.

No prob that you didn't read. I hope nobody actually has the time to read all about my sitch. Again, the cliff's notes version is; wife had a PA, I DB'ed for about a year, PA ended (badly) and we rebuilt our marriage.

Thank you so much for the reply. I have read some, and will continue to read. What exactly were you saying I needed to read the entire thread of?

I did read the stages of MLC and damn if those don't pretty much summarize a lot of what my wife is going through. I think she's kinda at the "replay" stage but there are, of course, differences between her behavior and the classic MLC behavior.

She SEEMS like she really wants to be married and seems to still want me both mentally and physically. She SEEMS like when she goes out, and I somehow don't make an ass of myself, she is happier the next day. Twice we've even made love when she got home, and once the next day. It's almost like she's physically trying to tell me that things are "ok". I see those things mostly as positive but part of me, the suspicious, paranoid part thinks that she's trying to have her man-cake and eat it too.

The part I have the hardest time dealing with, and that has lead me to think she is in some way a MLC'er is that she seems to have NO concern what-so-ever what me and the boys think about what she's doing or who she's doing it with. This mystery man seems to have no intention of meeting me and to a point she seems to be ok with that. I say to a point because in front of me she actually told him on the phone that some of the tension in the situation (he knows I am angry) could be diffused by him just meeting me... and he didn't really respond. But then she doesn't seem to care if I meet him/the friends, and she seems to have no intention of stopping going out with him/them though she clearly knows it would instantly fix the issues... or would it?

Here's what I KNOW right now. My wife is acting strange, or at least differently than she has over the past couple years since the end of her PA. It feels like when she had the affair, the lack of return calls, the last minute plans to go out, the "friend" who is more than that. Then again, it also feels like it did when I first met her and she had a large circle of friends, including men, that she hung with a lot. She's always claimed that she really loves that kind of thing, and admittedly, I am pretty sucky at interacting socially with big groups. I almost totally alienated myself (and her in the process) from that original group of friends. She told me in the years since that many of them thought I was a complete jerk and almost stopped hanging with her over me. She claims that's a large reason why she wants me to stay away from these people. She says he's just a friend but that I will judge him, and act like an a-hole towards at least him, if not the group and once again turn a group of friends against her. I can't say she's totally wrong and that admission goes a long way toward my feeling that somehow a ton of this is more my paranoia (and her acting certain ways because she knows how I will be) and less her MLC.

I am so confused and while I know it's wrong, I feel like somehow I can fix it. I'm a fixer and it was one of the things I really had to, well, fix about myself in those bad times.

100% right on. Thanks for typing that. It's a rule I TRIED to live by but it has failed a couple times.

One time, the time I caught her in the only real outright lie she's told since this began (well, that I know of), I found her car parked in a parking lot across the street from our house. Turns out that she got a ride to go out because she was going to drink, but she said she felt like she could not tell me that because it was "him" she was riding with. She said it was because she wanted to be safe and not drive but that I would totally freak out if I knew she was riding with him. Probably true but...

Anyway, we "talked" about that after she saw me drive by her car as they were pulling in for her to be dropped off. She went ballistic on me after I tried not to engage her in convo. She basically forced the issue, yelling all the typical things about wanting a divorce and how awful I was to have followed her (didn't), etc. The next day, when the alcohol wore off, she no longer wanted a divorce, and totally denied that she meant ANY of what she said, other than I was a jerk for staking out her car.

Anyway, that's the long story. The short one is I need to do a much better job walking away from her when she's drinking and agitated, which is pretty much every time she drinks... and that's a lot. That's part or maybe even more than a part of our overall issues... her drinking.

In the resource threads themselves. For instance the 6 stages is 13 pages, read all 13 pages not just the stages. You will find lots of gems on the other pages.There is no fixing MLC. That is a lesson you will need to learn again.

Ok. On my way back to read on. Thanks.

I would be concerned how much she is drinking too.


Can you return to IC to discuss how to handle your suspiciousness in a way that is healthy for you and leave her out of it for now? You sound like you are still traumatized from the affair itself, blaming yourself for that, and maybe you could use some counseling advice on that and the stress of living with a drinker and or partier.

You could do all of this without discussing or fighting with her about it.

Until you get some perspective on this, DON'T FIGHT with her about it. Especially late at night. Get a substitute activity like venting on this board or phoning a male friend if you feel on the verge of starting a fight. That way you can buy time to make a rational decision about what you need and want to do and you won't be shooting yourself in the foot in the meantime.

Thanks again rr22. I will take your advice and run with it for now. I don't know about seeing IC again since I really didn't like her much not to mention my time is so limited these days. One thing (and this is totally off topic...sorta) I have been considering is quitting my day job and going full-time with my photography. I sincerely believe that my time away from my kids and wife has contributed to at least SOME strain on us all. Maybe that way I can give the kids the time they deserve.

SO, I will try my best to avoid the arguments/fights when she's been drinking a lot. I'm sure I will have more to post later in the evening.

CRIMINY Grasshopper! Was surprised to see your many posts pop up on my watchlist! Don't have time to read now, but thought I'd wave. And, don't think you are crazy. It is rare for suspicions to be groundless. Ciao!

No one is just a friend, at least not a friend to your M, who sneaks off with W. Not OK. Period.

I urge you not to jump onto the the MLC wagon.

Oh, and since you're around, see if you can convince Dr. Love in Piecing to act in some way...

Wow. Actually, of all the people I actually thought I would run into around here, I have to admit OT, it was you Actually, of all the people I was sorta afraid to run into, it was you You always had a way of smacking me around.

I can't honestly say I am totally back here yet to do much other than seek a bit of help. I do agree that my suspicions are probably not groundless but now that I am stepping back into this self-reflection mode that I SHOULD HAVE NEVER LEFT, I am starting to realize that maybe there is more/less going on. This OM is an issue, to be sure, it's just not TOTALLY clear exactly what form the issue will take.

Anyway, I need to journal and then get back to work... Thanks for stopping in OT. Please, be gentle.

Journaling:

It was quite a normal night for us. Some good times with the boys and then a few hours watching TV together. W seemed tired but beyond that, was fairly happy. She spent a long time on the phone with her sis talking about HER failing marriage. That's what I don't get. W sees what SO many people in our lives are going through, not to mention the public issues of certain celebrities, and always feels the need to comment on how sad it is that they cheat, lie and otherwise piss their marriages away. She doesn't even seem to miss the irony. Both my 1/2 sisters, her sister, one of our neighbors, and a co-worker of mine have all either filed for D in the last 6 months or are thinking about it. We've had 2 deaths in the family and my FIL has been in the hospital recently. W has had some health issues of her own too.

All this seems like it would make you appreciate what you have, but I can see how maybe it would spur you towards thinking about your own mortality and maybe how your life doesn't seem as fulfilling as it could be.

It's a bit confusing because apart from these nights she's spending out, EVERYTHING else is totally normal, even a bit better than normal in the ML department. Maybe, just maybe she's actually telling the truth and this is just a play to get a life she honestly hasn't had in several years. Even at her most angry, and trust me, she's gotten VERY angry at me in the past few weeks, she's maintained she still loves me, still wants me, still wants our marriage (well, except when she wants a D) but that I am screwing it up by being so controlling and "daddyish". She claims that if I just look at our life, and her behavior, I can see that she's still "here" but just needs to have friends again. I suppose there is a lot of validity there... if it weren't for the OM, I would 100% support her in all this. I have told her that but she keeps insisting that OM is a non-issue. She claims that I am the problem because I keep going on about it. She insists that I am just paranoid... and she concedes that our history gives me every right to be.

Anyway, when she was talking to her sis, she went into the garage. My old, snarky self crept out and I asked her why all the hush-hush. I know her sis is going through some marriage issues so why the private talk... I asked her if she was commiserating and sharing about OUR issues. W immediately said "no" not at all. It was all about sis and anyway, she doesn't have anything to tell... um, really? Jeezus, am I really that delusional... or is she?

She has continued to vehemently deny that she is in any way looking to step out of our marriage, temporarily or permanently. Then again, there have been the 2 times she was REALLY drunk and said she was leaving, wanted a D, threatened to "leave now" with "someone", etc. Then, in the morning, in the light of day, she TOTALLY denied wanting any of that. TOTALLY denied that OM was anything other than a casual friend and a catalyst into this new group of folks she's hanging with. Too bad that was her MO from the last affair. Rings too true to me. Like they say "I may be paranoid but that doesn't mean they aren't out to get me"

To be sure, over the past couple weeks we have had a LOT of BAD R talks that I initiated. That has lead to some of the worst fights we've ever had, including one where I left and slept in my car. The one thing I have taken stock of and will immediately change now that I am visiting DB-land again is that it's not ok to do that at this point. I will stop.

Anyway, thanks for reading if you did, if not and you skipped this one, 'tis ok. I'm just thinking out loud. 3000+ posts later and you get the idea I do that a lot.