You, Babydoll, and Newmama I check all your threads from time to time, and I think all three of you are an inspiration to me. I just do not know what to add, but I wish my W was half the woman each one of you are.
Sorry Piano to not direct my comments just to you.
Thankyou LSG, that means a lot & it's awfully sweet of you. And I am with you - Babydoll, Gatsby and Newmama keep me going through the hard times and I learn a lot from every one of them. I'm going to stop by your thread. xo
[quote] Here is the hard truth- you have done everything you can to influence him to snap out of it. It is up to him to end the A. Therefore it is not in your control.The reason why I told you it was fog was because I had the impression you think the things he said are true and permanent...
Today I believe the things he is saying is 90% true and permanent. But BD's story and your words have boosted my hope again that the future is unknown and all I can do is stop pressuring him and let him go in order to maybe come back...
I have behaved so appallingly sometimes, I don't know why he would come back. TIME TO IMPROVE MYSELF:
- work on my anger and angry outbursts - don't name-call or swear - don't hang up the phone on him - detatch when interacting with him
I did all of the bad things above when WAH telephoned me today...
BD what did the woman mean when she said "Ask for help-" did she mean ask the H for help or other people? And was there an OW?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
She didnt say if there was another woman. Too shocked to ask! I could speak! But she said dont be afraid to ask him for help with the baby... and ask others to help with supporting you etc.
She also mentioned that she is counseling another person through her separation.
G, he didn't say anything bad at all. He was helping me with some administration. I got paranoid and thought he was trying to hurry our separation along. I kept it to short emails, but then he called my home phone which he never does and so it was unexpected. I then did my can't be friends speech again, he dug his heels in, me mine, then I ended it with "f off". Charming!
yeah--I think pregnant cuts it!! Now is the time to be demanding without people thinking you are a bit$h!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Coach's session with WAH: Coach says when she spoke with my H about 'positive parenting' a month ago, he never said a bad word about me (never does), but was quite cut off - like he was "talking about someone he used to know"
Says the impression he gave was of someone feeling inadequate, someone whose feelings had led him to believe that he can't rise up to the expectations on him, no matter what he does.
Coach felt, given my description of OW as younger, more carefree, that H would think her easier to partner because she had no expectations.
Coach also said no more new information was gleaned from their discussion, that it matched with what I had been describing.
WAH had said however that this was the low point of his life.
Coach says in order for WAH to do what he is doing at this juncture, he has to reject me totally, like an adolescent or child under pressure.
H says "I just want to be happy too". Coach has spoken to a few men around their 40s who have walked away from their wives when they are pregnant because they cannot assume the role of father and husband, and conceive the idea of happiness at the same time. For them, these goals cannot meld.
Our couple might have been fine before (with normal problems) but having a baby can be the straw that breaks the camels back.
------------------------ Coach said in all the cases she had seen, she had only seen 4 cases of pregnant women trying to DB. Said it's amazing to have the stamina! --------------------------- Action:
Coach holds a lot of hope for when he will first hold the child in his arms.
Coach recommends if there is to be a change of perspective, instead of pressuring WAH about responsbilities, I should rather reflect the joy, the fun and the wonder of parenthood.
Let him see me excited and anticipatory, not apprehensive. Be voluptuous, glow, in love with baby. Let him see me this way.
Give him 'ownership' of his fatherhood by being part of the name choosing - she was adamant that this was very important for the history/identity of the child.
Pick a name for the child and start referring to her by that name now.
Resume txt or email communication with WAH and let him know I understand from our last bad exchange that I need to change the focus onto our child and off our relationship. Attract him to be part of our lives again.
------------------- Our M: Coach says "move forward", not "move on" (unless I want to). Realise the new configuration in my life: me and my child without H. That is the present reality. Hope for us is now grounded on him beleiveing that parenting is not a burden, not a horrible responsibility, not something that will make him unhappy.
Be strong, positive, loving, nuturing. The baby will become a recepticle for these positive emotions. This is the environment a baby should enter the world in. I will need to let go of the anger for WAH to achieve this. Think of him not as my husband but as the baby's father. This father mya have different views on parenting (like some grandparents do) but they still need to have a relationship with the child even if their style is different. This can be the most joyful experience of your life, having a baby, don't miss it.
-------------------------- WAH and the birth: Allow WAh in at the end if I feel up to it. Totally my decision. Either way, make his first interraction with his baby super positive. Say things like "Isn't she beautiful?", "This is amazing..". No 'buts', no qaulifiers. This is their first meeting - don't contaminate it in any way for them. Tell him "would you like to spend time alone with her?" Be gracious. Because regardless of what happens to us, he needs to bond with the baby and not leave the country. My message to him shoud be 'this baby is better off with you in her life'. Refer to him as "Dad" a lot. "Dad, come and hold your baby", etc. "I've tried this and I've tried that; what do you recommend, Dad?". Take a collaborative perspective.
----------------------- Sorry this is a long post. Helps to write it out. I am more at peace after the coaching session. But I also know from the past that that feeling can last about a day before I slide into anxiety again. Hoping this time, new era, new context, it will be different.
As per usual, thoughts and comments on this session appreciated!!!
Thanks so much for posting, P. I'm totally reading this info for my sitch!
"For them, these goals cannot meld. Our couple might have been fine before (with normal problems) but having a baby can be the straw that breaks the camels back."-- That's his and my situation EXACTLY.
I really really like the idea of reflecting the joy of parenthood. That's cool.
Ownership in the name, interesting.
I like this move forward wording.
She definitely had some concrete advice! It helps to feel like there's some direction. I really appreciate this post.
me, 30 WH, 29 D born June 2010 M: July 2001 Bomb/S: 1/14/10 Done with it all.
