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Once I settle on a lawyer, I'm debating on whether I should let my wife know, rather than her just getting the divorce papers out of the blue.

I'm considering sitting her down, telling her that I'm done, and that I have selected a lawyer. At least giving her the opportunity to get her own, and then us filing for a dissolution.

However I'm thinking getting divorce papers without warning might have more of an impact if there is still a possibility of her "waking up".

Either way, we more than likely would go the dissolution route (even if I file for "divorce" at first), as I know this is something she mentioned before and is afraid I will fight her in court. However I have no intention of extracting revenge in the divorce process; not going to cut off my nose to spite my face, and we also live in a no fault state. I don't think we would have a problem negotiating the terms of the dissolution.

I'd appreciate any opinions or personal experiences in this area to help me figure out a good way to go about this if/when I do.

No advice, man. Just that "I understand".

Especially this:

"However I'm thinking getting divorce papers without warning might have more of an impact if there is still a possibility of her "waking up"."

I guess it's okay to still have hope. I know that I do too.

Thanks for your continued support and all I can offer you is the same.

And, as always, prayers.

Trying to balance that with detachment, not so easy.

I would let her know what you are doing and why. Communicate very clearing the consequences of her bad behavior. The boundary has been violated and this is the result. This will be a bomb as it is, you want to be seen as in control and leading your life on this not letting someone else deliver the news.

I know that this is not what you want, it goes against your values, beliefs and who you are. You standing up for yourself is a honorable, loving and noble thing to do. You only are responsible for how you handle things.

Cheers

No advice, man. Just that "I understand".

Especially this:

"However I'm thinking getting divorce papers without warning might have more of an impact if there is still a possibility of her "waking up"."

I guess it's okay to still have hope. I know that I do too.

Trying to balance that with detachment, not so easy.

Thanks for your continued support and all I can offer you is the same.

And, as always, prayers.



Prev. post should read like this.

It is very sad, but ultimately it comes to you can do all you can do. In the end however, it takes both parties to "fix" the issues and rebuild or make new the relationship. Unfortunately more often than not what is "hard" for some becomes impossible in their minds. Hence the fog, for the WAS does not lift and give them the hope they need to perservere and fight for what is right.

I believe it is safe to say you have given a valiant effort and will be at peace with the results. I applaude your efforts and patience.

Thanks TGF. It has been a solo effort for the 13 months of my W's EA. She has never made an effort to quit what she herself has admitted is wrong. She said she has prayed for God to restore her love and our marriage, but she is looking for some hocus pocus magic wand to be waved to get her out of her mess. She's never in her heart wanted out, and God won't do a thing for you if you are not sincere.

We are pretty much living the life of a divorced couple anyway. While she is comfortable with infidelity, I am not, so in order to move on with my life I need to take the divorce/annulment step.

My W has become someone I would never marry, and I need to purge the evil from my life. I've been permissive of her behavior for too long now, letting the logistics of divorce and the difficulties of post-divorce life with children delay my actions. I find it unfortunate that I will spend the next two decades chained to her through child rearing and college, but that's just how it goes.

I certainly understand your feelings of being chained. However in time you will forgive her fully, and appreciate the lessons, however hard and painful now, learned. Ideally prayers will focus more on her being a good role model for the children and hopefully she will be brought down a few pegs so she can respect her future relationships and not make the same mistakes again. Here is to hope and to a new and positive future.

Journaling:

Still waiting on info from my lawyer friend about good lawyers near me; not sure what the delay is. I plan on going through the process of interviewing some and deciding on which one I will go with, just to be ready when the time comes.

With regard to the "time" I mentioned that I think the time will be right when I move to act and nothing holds me back.

Interestingly enough, today I received a pamphlet from a random acquaintance (with no knowledge of my situation) talking about "learning to wait on God". That when we surrender to His timing, the Father can do mighty things in us and for us. "God acts on behalf of those who wait for Him. In other words, we must allow His schedule - not our own agendas - to guide our lives. Then we can experience His very best. The Lord requires patience, instead of rushing ahead with our own solutions.

God is arranging circumstances, purifying our motives, teaching us to rely on Him, protecting us from unseen dangers, and preparing us to make the greatest impact on others.

OK Lord. Point taken. The manner in which this message was delivered was purely out of the blue. I'm not feeling anxious or frustrated. So I can stand down for now.

W hasn't been feeling well and asked me to pray for her health. That I can do.

I came to a similar realization back in Dec/Jan. I was hell-bent on filing for D. Then someone on these boards gave me the advice that I should only take that step if that is what I truly wanted (a D) and not in reaction to her actions or non-actions.

I thought about it, and I transitioned to a neutral state. Now, if she continued the EA and didn't move out I am not sure what I would have done, but even now that she is moving out I am still not going to file for D for now. I figured I would know when the timing is right.

I am still waiting for that moment.

Just checking in, Pigskin.

Glad you have found a more comfortable place. You sound like you are handling all well.

How are the kids? I ask, again, because that is a subject close to my heart as you well know. I hope and pray they are well. I know you are doing and will continue to do the very best you can for them.

I had to listen to my daughter cry on my lap for 45 min Sat morn. She told me her brother said that they were moving. I went and asked him why he would say that. He said he didn't, that it was his sister who said it. I went back into her room where she was playing with her Barbies and told her what he said. She just sat on her bed with her head down. I sat down next to her, put my arm around her and could tell she was crying. I said that she wasn't in trouble and we didn't have to talk about it if she didn't want to. She threw herself in my arms and sobbed. When she calmed down, she said she heard mom talking to someone on the phone and she said that they were going to be moving. She cried some more and then said she must not have heard her right, she know they wouldn't move anywhere without me. I just held her and rocked her like a little baby and told her it was okay. I couldn't really tell her she was right or wrong, could I?

I brought that up to my W while we were arguing Sun, and she said S9 told her about it and she swears that she NEVER talked to anyone about anything like that. She seems to be able lie with no problem lately, so not sure if I believe her or not. I did tell her I will not deal with this all alone. It is going to be her place to tell the kids. We will do it together and 3 of the 4 are old enough to be told the truth. Mom wants to leave, not Dad.

I know you have already been through that and, God, I don't envy you at all. I hope to avoid it but must prepare myself for the possibility.

Still praying and thinking about you and your family.