Hope you are having a good evening. Cold (for us) here in Texas.
I have not posted much about my situation...but have followed many of the other DB'ers - including you. I have read DR and DB and SSM. I did all the no-no's during the initial phase of post bomb and separation. I can promise you, that if you will employ the techniques that Michelle preaches in DB and DR, David will be more likely to relax, see you for who you are (the gal he fell in love with) and think about things. BUT - and this is huge - IMHO - you must STOP initiating any and all contact with him. I promise, my situation was bleak and I stopped completely ALL contact other than that necessary as we have 2 kids - and after awhile - month or so - he started coming around.
But I had to LET HIM GO. He recently told me that he has come to realize that he thought that I was the cause of his unhappiness....and since he has had the chance to think on his own and be on his own without me to constantly deal with, he has almost done a 180. We are close to reconcilliation, (I believe) and we talk daily and it is fun, jovial, conversation - like we used to have when we first started dating....AND HE ALWAYS CALLS ME. I wait him out.
Not talking to him for the length of time that I did was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. But guess what, it has proved to be a valuable tool for my DB'ing.
You know "they" say that the laws of physics (?) are that the more we pursue, the further we push them. THis was absolutely true in my case.
When I did have to speak to him when the kids were concerned, I was pleasant, nonconfrontational, ended conversations first, and smiled (when I could). Again, it wasn't easy.
Pam, I don't know if this will help you and David's situation, but I just want to throw out ideas for you that have helped me. Again, NOT a quick fix. No initiation of contact for a long period of time. He will begin to wonder what's up with Pam...why isn't she calling or IM'ing me? Maybe I better calll....then when he does call, you are happy, great, good to hear from you, ok...gotta run...that kind of stuff. That will be more appealing to him and keep him coming back for more - after all, it worked once, didn't it (he married you!).
I would suggest maybe printing out Keep's replys to people - I have used his advice and have seen great results so far...my husband wanted no part of me...said all of the things we have heard that have broken our hearts. Today, he wanted to show me a house that he thinks we should buy....so, something must be working.
Just trying to help - hope you don't mind.
Gotta go home and do my 15 minutes of kitchen clean-up!
Love ya! s
Hi Cupcake,
Thanks for dropping by.
Actually the past week we have had light fun joking contact on IM. He even told me so yesterday!
But the past two days the emotions of the PMS just run riot.
I wish this would hurry up and pass or I could just knock myself out till it is over.
I know from past experience if I tried to go a month without talking to David at all I might as well just go hire an attorney now.
I would totally go off the deep end.
The first time I did it for a week and made it the second time it was over a week and at the end I called him and said let's work up a settlement.
Not one of my smarter moves.
But the light fun, not every day contact had I think been working well, as he did initiate it one day and then came over on Sunday to work on the computer.
But now I have lost all of that ground again.
That is why I'm not ever sure this will work. I keep losing more ground than I gain.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Quote: I have no idea why he is posting or what he is posting.
I wish I felt he cared. I think I feel very abandoned right now.
I know you are all rooting for the M here and I am working on getting over it. This isn't like with my friends. But it hit me today that I think that is why the uncomfortable feeling today.
Pam think about this for a second... how many people here have S's that are willing to post on the BB? I think that says a lot about him, how he feels about you and the future of the R.
-Calystra
Does it Cal? I am afraid to believe that I think. I try to come up with why he is posting. Is it so he feels he tried and helps with no guilty feelings after the d then?
Does he actually hope to repair our R? I want to think that but truly I am very afraid to think that is what he is thinking here.
I also am tearing myself up over this and am going to go crash here right away.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Pam -- I used to complain a lot that my h never talked to me. Then the bomb dropped, I found DB and because I didn't have ANY CLUE what to say or do I stopped talking -- not in a giant, mopey, sulky way but in a I'm just gonna quiet down, say A LOT less than I want and see if I can regroup.
You know what happened?
The man finally had some space in which to talk. And talk he did.
I'm NOT suggesting go dark...I'm suggesting that if you said even 50% of what you really wanted to say to David that would leave a whole heck of a lot of room for him to talk.
Now, hon, I'm NOT talking about instant results. 'cause when I shut up my h was like..hey, what's that sound? Um, nothing...and he walked around in a DAZE for a bit.
same here....man I never knew just how much of a chatter box h could be if I just shut the hell up once in a while.
Quote:
I had an idea this AM and then didn't have a chance to give it FULL ATTENTION so I didn't post it. I see that you took the Flylady challenge...
SOOOOOOOOO...let me ask you THIS: are you GAME for another challenge -- SAGE style??????
It won't hurt...it may help...and well, it'll keep me off the streets and on the right path....
You'd be helping me A LOT if you said "yes".
If you want more details...let me know :-)
Sage
leave it to sage to leave us hangin' LL
I am going to try working on this when I see David from now on out and see if my changing will prompt him to talk more to me.
Also probably need to work on style a bit. Still reading JJ's communication thread. Trying to pick up stuff from it.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Quote: Sage Pam -- I used to complain a lot that my h never talked to me. Then the bomb dropped, I found DB and because I didn't have ANY CLUE what to say or do I stopped talking -- not in a giant, mopey, sulky way but in a I'm just gonna quiet down, say A LOT less than I want and see if I can regroup.
You know what happened?
The man finally had some space in which to talk. And talk he did.
Cupcake Pam, I don't know if this will help you and David's situation, but I just want to throw out ideas for you that have helped me. Again, NOT a quick fix. No initiation of contact for a long period of time. He will begin to wonder what's up with Pam...why isn't she calling or IM'ing me? Maybe I better calll....then when he does call, you are happy, great, good to hear from you, ok...gotta run...that kind of stuff. That will be more appealing to him and keep him coming back for more - after all, it worked once, didn't it (he married you!).
My dear friend...please take these comments to heart. They are wise and will benefit you greatly.
Hi Jeannine,
Really glad to see you again! I am trying to open my mind more, sometimes it is closed at first reading I have discovered and I need to read more than once for it to soak in and take root.
Working on it!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Quote: I think, not sure I guess, that he knows how much I think of him and respect his opinions and how happy he makes me when he participates in our R.
when someone is constantly saying they aren't happy and that this isn't enough and saying I might as well call an atty they aren't sending a very clear message that they love and want to be with that person are they?
I understand your plight, if you've ever read my threads you know I do.
Thing is I find when I sit back and relax and let h just be...even if that means he's tired and goes to sleep early (like he has tonight) he is more present...more interested in me.
can you make a commitment to working on the r? can you make a commitment to not mention atty's or d for at least 6 months? can you make a commitment to list some positives each day even if they don't relate to your r with david? can you make a commitment to listening instead of talking? can you make a commitment to being the sole individual responsible for your pma? can you make a commitment to not let pms get the best of you? ( we all get that way hon, doesn't have to be pms..for me it can be kid freak out day, or rainy day, or crappy hair day) and NOT make it david's responsibility.
here's something I realized during my seperation....I depended way to much on h to make me feel good about me. That is a heavy burden to place on anyone. You need to feel good about you first that means believing the positive things I said about you! or heck be silly (lord knows I am, sometimes it's what get's me through the day) look in the mirror (yes here it comes the sat night live skit) and say "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it people like me"
It is in my word processor here and will be at work tomorrow.
One of the things I will open EACH day to remind me I am going to do these things.
Heck, we DON'T have another court date sitting out there, so what if my mother thinks he is not ever coming home. Or his family pretends I don't exist anymore. It is our marriage to decide when it is over or not working and not anyone else's.
Even OW didn't get him to end it when she thought she would! That one breaks my heart don't ya know!!!!!!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I wont keep you to kitti's suggested 10..how bout 3..
I'll give you mine...
1. took both kids (s4 dd2) out to lunch today (yes just me and the kiddos) and they actually didn't embarrass me once in the resteraunt!
2. I was a good dubie and delivered some cough medicine to my mother (she lives 8 miles down the road) not that she couldn't have gone out herself, I was just being a nice dd and it felt good.
3. going to a pty tommorow night and I have two outfits to choose from...oooh got a pair of kenneth cole shoes for 18 bucks!!!
Pam, I really would love to hear your positives every day,too.
Also, can you TRY to start going out a bit more, dear? Could you take a class or go swimming or get a gal pal and go to the movies at least once a week? I have forced myself to get out and do more and it works wonders! Not only am I happier (cept when off meds and fighting depression) but I am more attractive to H. He finds me more interesting and appealing when I have fun,interesting tales of my daily outings to talk about with him....instead of me talking about R and gloom and doom feelings. When I am depressed...I am also depressing! LOL
So, positives and I really really want you to tell us one thing you went out and did for just Pam once a week! Can you do that?
And, Sage, I'll post it here...but I'm with you if you start the db'ing chapter by chapter thread....sounds great.
