Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers W still wants separation, need to DB more

Had DB coaching session today. Went well, I will give full report later.

With my second DB coaching behind me, I more confident.

We spoke about how the past 3 1/2 weeks went, the good and the bad. Comparing how things are now to how they were 3 weeks ago. Turns out things are more positive.

I learned that I need to affirm my W feeling more than I have been.

- If W says "you made me feel this way" or "You did this to me" say in response "I cannot believe I said such hurtful things", "It makes me sick to my stomach knowing I hurt you", "I am ashamed of the terrible things I done"

* something that really stood out to me when DB coach said this. I thought "well wouldn't that push her away more and encourage her to move on to someone new" but the response was "She can do that either way, at least you are letting her know (in a humble way) that you realize your faults and empathize, other wise you are telling her the way she feels is wrong"

We spoke about button pushing again. Need still work on reprogramming my buttons.

- When I ask my W if she would like to do something, sometimes she shrugs her shoulders other times she will say "can do that" , "if you want" , "up to you" and there are times where she does not feel like doing a single thing even if she suggested herself.

was told to make the decision and do it anyway.

I asked about the possibility of initiating a R talk because of the current state we are in and the uncertainty of the direction we are heading right now, most of it is assumption I was told ABSOLUTELY NOT.
==================================

As for an update:

W still not feeling well, she called off work again today. We had some descent interactions/conversations besides that she has just been resting/sleeping a lot so I just let her be and help out when she asks me to.

Remainder of the day went well. W was going through phone, and looking at all her pictures on the phone, she started to show me the pictures, some from a couple years back and we both had a good laugh at them.

W still feeling terrible asked if I could run to the store to get a sinus flush kit and so I did.

I seen W looking at pictures of wedding again, briefly. She then sent herself two of the pics via email. I am not sure what that was about. She did not know I seen her do this and I did not question...

At one point my W and I (and the dog) stood at the back door watching the lightening storm coming our way. We went up stairs and watched some TV. W hardly able to breath is struggling to get some sleep.

There were some positives today and the negative still being my W is short with me at times and is FAR FROM being my W.

Early this morning I had to take W to ER. The congestion has caused an asthmatic reaction. W still went to work this morning. I helped W get ready and helped her out the door.

Not much interaction today, I am just giving my W the space and rest she needs.

Update,

I fell to sleep beside W in bed. We woke up around 8PM. W asked for something to drink so she could take her meds. I got her the drink, W thanked me. W started to choke on the congestion that was coming up, she asked if I can run the bath water (the hot water breaks it up) so I did. W walked in bathroom, I walked out she closed the door.

W came back in bed, grabbed the laptop and ordered her mother flowers for mothers day. W put message on card with flowers that it was from the both of us. I wanted to take W and MIL out for dinner but W is sick and also holds a grudge against her mother.

W was on facebook catching up with family. W was going through a family members photos and there were pictures of us at our wedding that family member took. W saved a picture to her laptop of us holding hands facing each other during our wedding. W then once again sent the picture to herself in email (I don't get this nor have I questioned it).

W became curious to what I was doing on my laptop and started to look at my screen. W and I laid next to each other for a good hour looking at various things on the web (mainly funny things) laughing and joking. After W went to bed, and I left the room so I did not disturb her as she tries to get sleep before work.

We got along fairly well. I am not sure what is going on with W sending pictures of of her or us at our wedding to herself in email.

What are signs that my W may be coming around? Sure is still distant and somewhat bitter at times, then there are times where we seem to be having a good time together and lately she has been looking at pictures of our wedding...

i'm not your wife. But if I was sick with something chronic like terrible allergies that turn into asthma attacks, I would be grateful to the person who was helpful and nice to me even though I was a snorting, choking, nose-blowing mess. But that's me.

I am not sure if my W is so resentful toward me she is overlooking or simply not acknowledging my helpfulness nor does she have to for me to continue to do so.

I have done my best to take care of her the past week (and still counting) without crossing that thin line of pursuit. There were so many times I wanted to rub her back as she sat up in bed coughing her head off but I held back not knowing how she would react. All the things I have done in the past week since she has been ill is nothing new. Each time she has experienced such an illness I took well care of her, even more than I am now but that is due to I don't want to pressure her. I am just trying to give her space but at the same time fulfill any of her needs.

You done it this long, whats 3 to 6 more months of it. If at 6 months of doing this the resentment level builds and you start to burn out, you will have to guage where you are at and is that what you want to do.

Yesterday W came home from work felling better than she had in the past 2 weeks. W had a rose. I asked while chuckling a little "what is that?" She said that a supervisor named "george" gave them to every woman at work today for mothers day" as she too laughed a little.

I said nothing more about it. In the past I would have lost it and asked "why would you just have rejected it" ect... I would had made it into the worst possible thing that could have happened...but I didn't because it seemed innocent enough.

W came out form kitchen and said "yeah he bought 3 dozen roses and was handing them out to everyone, well all the women." and I said "that's a cool gesture must had cost him some money too." W shrugged shoulders and went and got something to eat.

W and I said on same couch watching TV for a bit. I had gone up to bed and W soon followed, W feel to sleep. First time she was able to sleep in over a week. She slept all day. about 1130PM or so W woke up and watched a little TV with me, then went back to bed and so did I.

Had a brief chat with FIL on facebook. We talked about the condition and progress of his GF then talked about how my W was doing then he had to go ending the convo with "Love you guys"

Today:

W woke up early because she slept all day yesterday. I had to get up early myself and head to a hearing. W and I got along OK till I left. I said "bye" before leaving but W said nothing, she was half a sleep.

When i returned home W was still sleeping. So I grabbed laptop and sat in the kitchen. W woke up and came downstairs and asked where the dog was. We spent about 15 min. or so fooling with the dog. W went to living room to watch TV, I remained in kitchen. W calls out to me "I want one of these" I get up and walk over to hear and on her computer screen was a banana split. I laughed and asked "you want a banana split?" and she shook her head yes, then I said did you want me to go get you one? she shrugged her shoulders then shook her head yes. I did not get up immediately I sat there for a bit, then went and got ready to go. W then asked "where you going" and I replied "To the icecream, you still want a banana split right" she said yes then I asked "did you want to go with me and take the dog for a ride?" she thought about it and said "yeah" and so we went.

When we returned home, I sat in the kitchen again on the laptop and she was watching TV, I went up to bed to rest before work, W eventually came up and laid in bed and went on her laptop. W and I sat up looking at somethings together and I eventually had to leave for work. When I left I told wife bye and she gave me a little wave...
Today was not too bad but she is still very distant, withdrawn, and at times short.

It seems like W was emailing pictures to herself so she could put them on her phone. I was looking at her phone today (we were together at pictures) and I seen the pics she sent herself. There were others on there too.

W responds with "huh" "hmm" and "uh uh" a lot. W is not normally like that. My W is a well spoken woman and for her to respond with noises is not like her at all.

My concern has been lately that my W thinks that I am trying to co-exist myself and maybe she assumes I still have the knowledge that she is leaving.

If any WAW reading this, can you relate to the mentality my W has right now and do you see any good between our interactions that would suggest hope?

'W responds with "huh" "hmm" and "uh uh" a lot. W is not normally like that. My W is a well spoken woman and for her to respond with noises is not like her at all. '


These are avoidant behaviors. If she keeps on that course she will regress to a different person. I had to watch it happen in my situation.