Cy, I just caught up on your situation, good work my man.
Quote:
I won't quit just because someone tells me to. I get to make that decision.
Very good. Do not ever forget this.
Quote:
W has been (and still is) thinking that D will be a fantasy world where I will pay for the house that she will live in, as well as provide child support, and continue to take care of her and be her best friend.
Yes, that IS the MLC expectation. There is a LOT of anger which spills over to EVERYTHING else when this doesn't happen.
Be ready for this.
Custody stuff becomes a tool to punish you for not "living up" to that imaginary expectation.
Not fair, but what is?
Quote:
She really thinks that her life can be just the same as it is right now, but with me only in it when she wants. The C is telling her that things won't be that way.
Her willingness (or not,) to keep seeing this C will tell you something about where she is in her troubles at the time. It's not the "final" take on where she is, but it's a "temporal (right now,)" indicator. Remember that they shift in and out of the MLC Stages.
Quote:
The other good thing about it is it really helps me with detachment and dropping the rope. Despite my best efforts not to do so, I have enabled her behavior. I continue to take care of the house and pay the bills. She hasn't been forced to take any financial responsibility - she doesn't even know how much money she spends in a month. These are things that she is now being forced to think about.
It's good that it helps you detach.
It's even better that she's being faced with reality.
You are not ENABLING her behavior.
You ARE the loving, forgiving, place that she can return to...
That's not enabling.
They do what they want to do, REGARDLESS of what WE do.
Learn this now.
Learn it again.
And again.
Your kids are the ones you need to worry about as far as paying bills, keeping things going.
If her spending impacts that, then you need to set boundaries. I know that this is hard, but as a suggestion, set up a joint account for her alone, and have your attorney move to lock her out of the family support accounts.
Quote:
W gets really angry that I don't initiate conversations with her,
Welllllll, Non-issue. She want's you to start a fight, and justify her decision to leave. "hey, I wish you'd start a fight with me more often."
Don't. Talk about things that NEED talked about, garbage needs to go out, need more dog food, lawn needs mowed.
The rest is playing into her MLC. She NEEDS you to fight. She needs YOU to justify her actions in her heart by being a big jerk.
Don't.
This isn't about going dark, that's a different topic, this is about not playing into a fight.
Validate her feelings, but don't agree unless you REALLY agree.
I understand,
I see,
I can see how that would be difficult,
That must be tough,
She sounds difficult,
He's interesting,
You must be tired,
I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm not going to argue with you.
Use the last one sparingly.
(Ok, we know that the "I don't initiate enough convos" complaint is a REAL complaint in "normal" marriage counseling, but that's out of context here.)
Quote:
that I won't move out of the house to give her space to see if she would miss me.
WTF, beg pardon, but YOU'RE not LEAVING. I didn't read anything above or in your last sitch that said you wanted to leave HER or divorce HER.
I didn't read ANYTHING that suggested that YOU were the one with issues.
Don't move out.
Don't leave the marital bedroom.
Don't give up joint property.
Until / unless you are ordered to.
I did. I regret that.
Quote:
I see the confusion, but C doesn't. She thinks W has clarity now and has decided that D is the path she wants to take.
I suppose I'll get flamed for this, or banned with my luck, but to heck with that counselor.
A MC by definition is a "MARRIAGE" counselor. Not a "DIVORCE" counselor, or a "DO WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD" counselor.
You aren't seeing a marriage counselor.
You've been seeing a narcissism counselor.
WHEEEEE, do what makes YOU feel good. Your kids don't matter. Your oath doesn't matter. You just gotta do what FEELS good right now!
That's not a MC.
If you're not kicking her a$$ every week, and you're not a drug addict, and you're not a drunk, and you're not a (COMPLETE DERELICT IN SOME OTHER WAY,) then....
That's not a MC.
JMHO.
Dude, you're moving forward through this at least twice as fast as I did. I'm jealous.
Best,
Punkt.
These are my friends now!
But someday baby... You ain't worry my life anymore
Take away, take away what I don't need, save the good part please. Fade away, fade away.
