NM, I was living The Secret too before this whole mambo jambo! So was H! When he left I tore up his vision board... it was everything we dreamt of... now I wish I hadnt, I would have it delivered to him! But obviously it didnt mean quack to him.
I know many find it hokey, but it gave me stregnth. Maybe i need to back to it and revisit it... Hmmmm
Piano, funny you asked your husband "And tell me, what WILL you tell your daughter one day, when she's 18 or 30 and you find she's caught up in a relationship with a married man who has a child on the way?!" . Wonder if a huge bell rang in his head!!!
Oh for sure it did. It was not exactly intended to be subtle!
Phoned him just now. I said thanks for coming over yesterday. It was courageous of you. He said oh thankyou (and clearly meant it).
Then I said I'm calling because I have just been to the hospital for a check-up and the baby's head is 3/5's engaged, so she might come early...maybe in one week. He was interested to hear this. Then I said, I've been thinking and I'd like to take you up on your recent offer to help me in these final days/weeks.
He cried, 'No no no, when will you understand that I have left you? It's crushing me that you don't get it'.
I said, what are you talking about? I have understood that you have left, I get that. What I am talking about is taking you literally when you say how much you love this baby and how much you care for and respect me and want to be my friend and would like to help. So, what's the problem?
No, no, no...I won't be able to assist you in the birth!
I said, I'm not talking about the birth! I'm talking about spending a bit of time helping me with practical things as I get through these last days. And added: When will you get over yourself and realise something bigger than you is about to happen? I am giving you an opportunity here. I thought you would be grateful.
He said, unconvicingly, I'll have to think about it.
Told him he will need to get back to me tonight.
If he responds NO, I am thinking of replying:
Okay H, thanks for considering my offer. I guess I took you at face value when you said you cared and loved this baby and wanted to help out. That's fine, I'll ask someone else.
It seems that you want WAH to be around to do practical duties. I also told my WH that I wanted him to do that. (This was a long time ago now.) But then when I realized it would be simply functional and he would be withholding his emotions and emotional support to me, I realized it wasn't what I wanted. But it seems you know that you want that from your WAH. I think you're looking at the bigger picture of the birth/transition and trying to protect him from himself.
That's okay, but I guess the person I care the most about in this sitch is you. Yes, he might miss a huge transition in his daughter's life (because he might say no!). He's been missing quite a bit already!
But I hope that if he says no, you can fully own this transition with other friends. Actually, I hope you can fully own it even if he says okay! He could say okay and then back out last minute. . . I just don't think he's reliable right now at all. But I'd hate for your state of mind at this time to be so influenced by him.
I don't know if you should say all of those things at the end. "Okay H, thanks for considering my offer. I guess I took you at face value when you said you cared and loved this baby and wanted to help out. That's fine, I'll ask someone else." I think this shows too much hurt and anger. If he says no, I think you should just say "Okay."
Thinking of you today!
me, 30 WH, 29 D born June 2010 M: July 2001 Bomb/S: 1/14/10 Done with it all.
Yeah, who am I kidding? He'll say no, because it's probably beyond his ability. And I'm not clear to myself what I want out of it either. Either way, I'm fine with it. I thought it was a positive gesture. But probably only that, a gesture. Your "ok" is a better response. Ta!
Wow. Your H is so scared! I agree with Gatsby; say ok. And then do whatever you feel like from this point forward.
It is exciting to hear your daughter is so close to meeting you!!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
