Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis It's simply...complicated. Stalker or BF#7?

This is a choice that only you can make.

First of all....

You're still married. No matter how bad she treats you....what she says or does, nothing changes that fact at the moment. This one is all about you. What does that mean to you?

I can only speak for me, there is no way I could be involved with someone while still being married regardless of all the crap that's going on. It would have to end first.

Can you honestly say that you are ready to be involved in another relationship? It sounds to me like you're still smack dab in the middle of all this so to speak. It takes quite a bit of time to heal and get yourself right after all of this.

Keep in mind, and also ask yourself. "How well do I REALLY know these other women?" "Are my glasses a tad bit rosie when it comes to them?"

Just a few of many important questions you need to be asking yourself.

I have a really good friend who left her husband 5 years ago - noone else was involved - she was given the advice that it'll take 3 years to move to a safe place to even consider putting yourself into a new relationhsip healthily - at the time she thought "What???? 3 years - that's waaaay toooo looong"

She is getting married today to a guy she met 3 and a half years ago she told me she worked on her and her self for most of the 3 years before sh met her man.

I am not saying that you shouldn't entertain the idea of ladies in your life all I am counselling is to think really long and hard and understand your motivation - your marriage was hard enough when there was 3 people in it ..........adding more just seems to complicate things further and may close doors to what you really wanted in the future.....

I am bruised and battered by the events of the last 18 months with my husband and know that, emotionally, I am still vulnerable so I choose to work on me and trust that when I am ready for a healthy relationship I will spot it and be able to move forward with no regrets.

lalxx

All 3 of those replies were very informative. It would certainly be a 180 for me as in 33 years I've never had the inclination. It's just interesting to me that with the long conversation with the mediator yesterday, he pointed out what many on this board, church leaders and several marriage counselors have observed and shared with me. As long as this has been going on, what makes me think it will ever change?

This behavior of hers has been somewhat constant for 15 years. 15 years folks. It's a drop in the bucket compared to eternity, but it has worn me down, changed what was a self confident man into someone who has become a demeaned, cringing weanie. I don't like that guy. He can't even decide what to do for making a living anymore, and that is NOT him at all.

It's also not him to make ANY moves toward any other R while married. It goes against everything I believe is right. At the same time my W just made a comment the other day about getting a D here, and working it all out on the other side. What crap. It told me volumes of where she is at.

I think my biggest hold up rather then the morality of it, is taking a chance of hurting someone else. I've been stomped on enough and know how that feels, I darn sure don't want to do that to anyone else.

This is a tough one for me right now. For me, if I let my W know that it's time for a decision-NOW. I've given her the 6 months she requested. Heck, I've been just lapping up the table scraps for over 5 years now, treated as if I'm dispensable, left behind twice in the last 2.5 years with no warning, no financial, emotional, or any other help with work or family challenges, or our mentally ill son. In fact she just informed me yesterday that there is NO way he can live with her. Why is she not part of the program? What excempts her from being part of the M, or being at best a part time wife/mother. Only when it meets her criteria or she feels ok about it that day?

Yeah, I have been treated like crap. I can deal with that. It's the lack of committment. No timeframe on really working on the M. No counseling cuz all the others were against her. How many times she's been wronged by me, others and life in general. At some point the pity party has to end, and quite frankly-I don't see it ending-EVER. I have to move from a place I love and family, because some church leaders offended her here.

Yep-I'm pissed off about the last 15 years!! Maybe that's how she's felt about the first 15? Maybe she is right-she can't make me happy. I make me happy. Point is, I don't see her EVER being happy because she chooses not to be.

A lot to think about. I may just put down where I think we need to be going immediatley, or then get this D done immediatley. Heaven and Hell know it's time to MOVE forward, whatever that may be.

A gal that has no agenda for me, let's me be the person I am again...what a novel concept!!!!!!!!

Good luck in whatever direction you decide to move, dbs~

MntTop-I see in your sig, you are on a 6 month probation???

How does that make you feel? Like a little kid in time out?

That's where I've been now for 4-5 years. The last leaving episode by her was going to be for that "6 month probation" period. It's been almost 7. No real joint work on the issues, it just feels like...well if I knew how it felt-like a series of one night stands? With little emotional connection or committment afterwards. I could do this with a gal on the street corner. She just would not be the mother of my kids. (part time mother).

You know...I heard more whining/complaints today about her getting a bum deal on taxes when she absconded with $22,000 a few years ago. Wondered why she got stuck paying taxes on that when she filed seperately?

I cannot seem to draw a simple enough picture. She won't talk to the cpa cuz he helped "put the screws to her."

Let's see...I have to make a choice.

Her or someone who doesn't think I'm a cheat, liar, controller, or has just been an all around numskull for 33 years.

This is harder then I thought.

Ya - time out is how I think of it. I wish I could have said I was an excellent husband (or very good) in all aspects through my 12 yrs. I wasn't always, nor was she a good wife in all aspects. So we're both guilty.

Maybe you could try to find the root reason you are still in your M.

Committed to covenants, kids, not giving up, even if it's not going exactly the way I'd like to see it.

I sure don't want to start a negative pattern for my kids to follow.

I do believe God expects more of me (us).

I do believe I still love the woman.

I have a pretty good idea her life will go completly in the toilet once we're divorced.

I'm sure there may be a few more I'm forgetting.

Good, sounded to me that you were trying to convince yourself there. To me, and I do not know you, but it sounds like you would be using these girls to boost your morale. OK if they agree to that, but if not, then no.

It's still a very fresh pain for you, I can hear it in your posts. Your W hurt you and you're still feeling it. Using two other women as bandaids to remind yourself that you are still worthwhile as a person, well, not OK. You can discover that on your own, you don't need validation from the opposite sex.

To me, the fact that you are on here, willing to make changes, willing to fight for your M... that speaks volumes to how worthwhile you are as a person. How a woman would be lucky to have someone like you.

My H and I are beekeepers. One time we were installing a new package of bees into their new hive, and to do that you spray them with a sugar syrup. It keeps them from flying and they lick themselves clean, thereby keeping them busy and not angry at you. Well, some were not sprayed and they swarmed onto me. H panicked, sprayed my very long hair and then proceeded to RUN from me as the bees all got caught in my hair, stinging my neck, etc. (I don't use protective equipment) He ran into the house... and then fought his fear and came back to help me, but only b/c he felt shame at abandoning me.

Well, that's my H in a nutshell. When the going gets tough, he RUNS in the opposite direction. Not attractive, and it bothers me - that's why he has OW. The going got tough, I wasn't feeling like myself, I was hurt and angry and depressed and he ran - right to another woman.

A woman wants a man who will stick it out, fight for her, and do the hard, introspective work to change those things they need to change and be confident in what they like - even if others don't agree with what they like. Most of all, a woman wants a man who will fight for himself and not give up his values.

DBS

Just was catching up on your sitch. You may remember when I first got here(2 months ago) I hijacked your thread. My W has PTSD from child sexual abuse and we had that in common.

I feel a lot of your pain. It is hard for others to understand the extreme sense of wanting to save her. Just thought I'd share a few things that may help you sort through your feelings. My W has done a lot of things that have been very painful for both of us. Mostly the things she does are to herself but as we stand next to them we get mud on us too. You look at this stuff and go OK that sucks...

...then you say well I love her and if I just maybe do this it will get better or do that and then she will get better...then you want to take her pain away...becasue it's not like she's manipulative, it's not like she hates you, she's not conniving or mean spirited at the core...she is a victim. No a SURVIVOR of something that she had no hand in. Something she didn't ask for. Something that was not her choice...and she feels more pain than we will ever know.

This cycle of love/rescue is not healthy and it is harder to detach from than a normal relationship because part of your self worth is tied into being the one who can save her. Think about that DBS. There is fear that she will not be able to take care of herself and if you can take that away YOU feel better. If she finds herself and can take care of herself what does that make you? Not needed anymore?

It's scary but the only healthy direction to go is to let them go...detach from her...

I am not talking about DB tactics I am talking about getting you to a better place. A healthy place.

What do you have to lose? You have to heal at some point. All this pain she's creating and you're standing there willingly taking it as your own. It is only yours if you accept it. What she does is hers it has nothing to do with you. You choose how you let it affect you. You have to break the cycle.

My W is stumbling as she has been for some time. I am tempted each day to offer help, reach out, pick her up, rescue her. But what does that do for her? She feels worse about herself because she can't do it on her own. She has no chance to achieve for herself. Sometimes it gets so bad she actually does reach out to me, and it feels good when she does this and my heart jumps because she NEEDS ME! This is not healthy. It does nothing but send us down the rabbit hole again.

I had to find courage to let her pain be hers and her mistakes be hers and hope that when she likes who she sees in the mirror then maybe, just maybe, she'll see me STANDING next to her and she WANTS me there instead of NEEDING me there.

Anyway I hope sharing this helps because I am walking in your shoes and you are walking in mine.