Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis MLC - standing by my man

Unfortunately my H is still deep in the tunnel. He asked for a meeting this morning...I had bad feeling that this is it...he will tell me about OW again. And he did...the affair is back on and R is off.

This time I wasn’t holding back...I talked about everything, asked him questions....was not at all careful about what I asked. I was very calm and told him what I think.

He basically told me that our R is not going to work and that he “tried” ...Tried how? For one week? That’s when OW restarted the affair again. Said that the feelings are just not there. Yes he cares for me and he loves me but it’s not “that kind of love”. I said if he meant any of the things he said when he wanted to R, he said yes... at that time. Asked if he misses me...said I miss what we used to have. I asked “When you wanted to R you said that the affair was over and that it’s different this time, if she didn’t break it off you would have”. He said yes, but we realized that we made that choice for the wrong reasons....I couldn’t stand causing you pain. I said every time you break it off with OW you come back to me...he said it’s complicated, it’s a process. I said if it wasn’t for this woman would you want to be with me he said “I wasn’t happy before the affair, the OW doesn’t have anything to do with it” I said why didn’t you say anything about this “unhappiness”, I first heard about it when I found out about the affair....6 months into it as a matter of fact.

Well we talked about all sorts of things, it doesn’t all comeback to me now ...but to make a long story short, he is still justifying, rewriting history and glorifying the affair. I even asked “do you want a divorce”. He was quiet for a while and then he said ...I guess eventually.

He wants everything to stay the same, me being in business with him, keep the house and remain his friend, pay the bills etc.

I told him that I was hoping that this time he was really finding his way back to me, and that I have been holding the door open for a long time but I can’t take anymore of this flip-flopping that it hurts me too much and that I will have to make some decisions about the rest of my life. I said that I have to think about what the next step is. He said could we meet tomorrow? I asked “Why” he replied “To talk...you said that you will think about what you want to do” I said “do you think that by tomorrow I will know what I want to do with the rest of my life?” He is worried that I will leave the business.

I told him that I’m really sad, hurt and disappointed with his choice and it would be best for me for now if we only communicate via e-mail. That it’s to hard for me to face him, it hurts too much. He said “are you saying that it would help you not to see me? I said yes. What about me coming to work on the garden? I said it would be best if he didn’t. “Can I at least call you?” ...I said no, just let me be. He asked could I give you a hug? I said better not, just go please. I didn’t even get up to see him to the door.

I was emotional, the tears were rolling down my cheeks through out, I felt this soul wrenching sadness. I wasn’t planning on this dark approach, It just felt right. He was really shocked that I don’t want to have any contact with him. Up until now I was trying to be his friend, validating, DB’ing like crazy and all he did was cake-eating. Now I just need a break from him, I need to do this for me. Also going dark is going to be a total 180 for me. I have a feeling that he won’t like it...no more best of both worlds.

I’m pretty down, but I’m proud of myself how I survived this meeting. And I’m happy that I made it clear to him that I’ve had enough. He wanted me out of his life, he will have me out...as much as I can considering we have a D together and run our business.

I still love him, but he chose to go another round with OW so I'm dropping the rope. The door is still ajar, but just barely.

Mila

I am so so sorry your H has put you through this again. It sounds as if you handled the meeting with dignity and set the right boundaries to stop him cake eating. I realise that going dark will be difficult but emotionally for you it will help you detach.

This is now his reality.

big hugs

(((hugs Mila)))

I have tears in my eyes reading this but otoh...I think you handled yourself very well...I think you did right going with the feeling that being dark is best for now! You are a strong woman! You will be fine, whatever happends and should be very proud of how you have handled your sitch!!!!

My prayers are with you.so sorry this is happening.....

I'm so sorry, Mila.

I think drastically reducing contact with your H will help you a great deal. I know it has helped me. Let him feel your absence for a while while you rest and regroup. Good for you to take such good care of yourself!


This is my story as well. My H responded that he "didn't think it could be fixed." I don't know if the "it" was in reference to something about me or something about himself, as he didn't tell me what "it" was. Did your H give you an answer to your question?

Hugs to you, ((Mila)).

Oh Mila, I am so sorry that you are going through this yet again.

I truly believe you going dark as possible with your H is the best thing for you to do. This will help you detach from his drama and he can get a real good taste of what it's like not to have you in his life. Do NOTHING for him on a personal level.

He still doesn't know what he wants and the ow is as wacky as he is.

We're here for you. (((Mila)))

(((Mila)))

I don't think I have posted to you before but I do read along. I pray that God will lift you up and grant you peace and guidance at this time. I know that what you are going through must be very hard. I think that sometimes you have to give people what they want. Let Go and Let God. This may be your time to concentrate on healing yourself, always being polite and kind to your H but essentially letting him go.

You have handled yourself with class and I am sure that you will continue to do so.

(((Mila)))

Oh, Mila, I am so sorry!

I too agree that at this point perhaps no contact or going very dark is the best. Sometimes I think we need the breathing room too, just to get off of the roller coaster.

Haven't got much to add, except that I am so sorry. I have been following your thread for a while, but haven't posted before.

I think you handled the meeting extraordinarily well-- it was probably time for you to spell everything out for him. Going dark is a good idea-- it will help you heal and figure out what you want.

You're really very good at this DB thing, BTW.

Your alien is a gutless worm.

Thank you my friends for your thoughts and comments. It's very much appreciated.

Andabelle thanks for making me laugh

You all seem to agree that I should remain dark, I'll see how I can manage that, having to communicate with H about business every day. I will do what I can by e-mail...and the face to face I have to figure out how to talk to him. I'm a pretty happy person, lighthearted with a smile on my face even when I talk to a stranger...I have to learn how to talk to H, so that he "gets it", without appearing angry or happy.

I just totally hate this, I'm so discouraged right now. He seems to be so sure that this is it and is ready to move on with OW...again. After so many flip-flops on OW's side could this be it...is she committing?

Now the only hope is that it will not work out. It is long distance, that could make it tiresome after a while or it may prolong the "romance" since they don't see each other as often and they just "visit each other" and e-mail & phone, they don't actually live together and go through the day to day. I actually think that this could prolong the "romance stage".

I just have to stop thinking about him today, I's just too upsetting. I need some distraction, going to try watch a movie. Grrrr