Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers 5 weeks left to DB - need help with my plan

I still believe child birth can be an awakening for anyone.You still have time to cthink about wht YOU want.We all have views that tend to be driven by our own experiences.Some will help, some wont..but hang in there it will come togther.Child birth is sporadic and you are never quite prepared for when it does happen!!Go with the flow...hugs xxx

Piano,

For Once I have no words... Just a BIG HUG.

xoxo BD

Hey there..thanks for the hug.

Far out, what a day.

I totally lost it this morning (like, really...)and decided that I needed WAH to come over and clarify what the heck was happening. This probably goes against every DB rule, but stuff it, I was at my wits end.

We spoke in circles for about 5 hrs, but I think we gained a more full understanding of each other at the end.

I asked a family member to sit in and listen to everything that was said, as I needed a witness in a sense to where H was at, since I am having real trouble digesting what he's saying and doing. That was really helpful, because I now do not have to waste energy relaying the situation and going over detail myself.. it makes the road less lonely.

H repeatedly told me that he just didn't love me anymore, that he had been unhappy for years and years and just didn't do anything about it. I don't beleieve it is "script" anymore - I beleive it to be true. He mentioned I was dominating and that he felt crushed. I believe him. He misses the girl he met 15 years ago. He said he could not be happy with me and that he would put himself first because he was no good to anyone - a partner or child- unless he was good to himself. I find that hard to argue with frankly, but I did say that whether it was convenient or not to his self-development, we have created a new life and he should put this child ahead of himself for the moment. That means committing to stay here and help raise her for the time being... that leaving me on the other side of the world with a baby was completely unacceptable to me.

He said he couldn't make that a priority. Then of course the OW came up! He told me he has plans with OW but they are not fixed and very vague because everything is a mess right now. I actually think their R will die in the a**. I broke several more DB rules and told him exactly what thought of person I thought OW was. I shot them both down on their values, and said mistakes happen, we're all human, but we stop doing them when we realise our actions are "wrong" and hurting too many people. I said he was ashamed of his affair (he refuses to call it an A), otherwise he would have been shouting his love for her from the rooftops and not hidden it. He didn't look convinced, people!

I asked him if he wanted to be at the birth. He said he thought it would be wrong considering it would be bad for me. I said, put me aside and tell me what you would want in the best of worlds. He said he would not want to be in the room, but wants to be in the waiting room. I asked him why he didn't want to see the first mins of his child's life, and he didn't really have an answer.

We talked about the surname. I said I was still thinking about that and that would largely depend on what decisions he made about his child in the next days/weeks. If he was chosing himself over raising her, then I would probably give her my family name (and have his name as a middle name or not even) as I didn't want to 'damn' her with his name - a legacy of abandonning and cheating on their womenfolk. I also didn't make too big a deal of how I'd proceed either way.. I am not going to use her name as the battleground.

I made him realise the financial cost of separation divorce and what I would be expecting of him. He was truly crushed and near killed me to tell him how hard he had worked, come from no money, done well, and was about to lose it all. I said it doesn't have to be this way, again.

Then I set a big whopping boundary.

I said the trauma of the trifector (leaving as he did, me pregs, him offering no coparenting support), I would not tolerate him chosing OW over his child. That he could get on a plane and get lost now if he could not make an adult decision to comit to being here for his child for a decent innings and to assist me in my transition to motherhood (by giving us a safe amount of time and space to resolve our differences). I also said under the traumatic circumstances, bringing OW here would be the last straw for me, that I am just not strong enough to accept this extra trauma, and I would not be ammenable to reconcilliation of any kind and that things would be their ugliest. I said this makes me very sad, but there's only so much one person can take.

It felt better to talk after 2 months of DARK/DIM/NC not really working to turn around my sitch (other than giving me respite from his drama). I realised I was dealing with someone who WAS truly unhappy with me, and while OW is an obstacle to any form of reconcilliation, she was not our M's real problem.

I can also make some more informed decisions.

I feel slightly better for opening communication a this important jucture before the birth, and there will be more talks. My world is still crumbling and I am afriad of the day ahead.. and I still LOVE him, he sees that, and he hates it !!!!!

I keep telling him i don't want the M anymore, it's dead, but he knows i want to rebuild a new one. I should even shut up about that, right? I would follow the DB principle of not taking R except the guy could get on a plane any day now... I won't be able to do anythig if he leaves... So I am thinking no matter what, I have to keep him here somehow without making it seem like a trap!

Piano you did what you thought was right.I understand you completely and at the stage you are in pregnancy,I also think it was brave.You have said your piece now and probably feel there has been a littl weight lifted.I syoll dont believe this needs to be a closed chapter.Take some ime to reflect now and make the right choices for you and your baby.I am not sure he is totally there with the Ow.He still wants to be around the birth but is scaring himself.This maybe an opportunity toshow him the changes you have made if he is missing the person he fell in love with.

What these spouses need to remember is they have played a part in the changes to you as well

Look after yourself in the meantime. hugs xx

agree with JacT! It was good to say what you needed to say.

Your H knows deep inside that you still love him and care for him and would like to rebuild a new M. He just chooses to ignore it and avoid it. Sounds like his life is not as smooth sailing as he'd like... A is a mess? well what did he expect? Happily Ever After?

if the shoe were on the other foot... lets say my foot... and I thought I wasnt happy with my M and no longer loved my H, i would have gone to IC and tried to figure out what it is about me that makes me feel this way.

P, dont listen to his nonsense about not loving you and blah blah blah... looking back it is easy for him to say that as to validate his actions! but dont for one second believe it! he is just choosing to remember all the good times and the love he did feel for you!

It is called rewriting marital history and blameshifting. I know that you think it is genuine- and it is genuinely how he feels "at the moment." YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO TELL IF HE WASN'T "LOVING YOU" OR "UNHAPPY" FOR "YEARS!!!" BS!!!!

It is good that you laid it out for him, Piano. You don't have to decide, or say or do anything now- seriously. So you call him when you are in labor (or don't).

For what it's worth, I thought to myself "smart!" when you said you brought a family member there to be a witness.

Thanks JacT and DB for stopping by and for supporting my decision to lift the silence between H and I.

I need to make thos changes to myself & accept what H tells me.

He loves me, but he has been unhappy for years... It's true.. I just didn't want to see it and I stood by and let it happen. Don't worry, i think he is most reponsbile - he should have confronted me so we could make changes together. He lost faith in us somewhere....

I still think he is the world's biggest selfish a**hole for his course of action today, and that's where my boundaries and self respect need to come in.

NO to a H and father who doesn't repent
NO to a H and father who puts his needs first before his pregnant partner and unborn child
NO to a H and father who thinks it is better to walk, than to solve
NO to the precence of OW who has low values

I was really stoked with this line I threw at him, which I got from Allen, I think: And tell me, what WILL you tell your daughter one day, when she's 18 or 30 and you find she's caught up in a relationship with a married man who has a child on the way?!

He said he'd tell her to get out of it.

Right answer! :-)

NM, I appreciate that, but I could tell and I did feel it... :-I just thought it was normal that he was distant and always busy and always avoiding me. I shifted the blame to work, stress... I thought it would "blow over", was a phase. It was a very long phase though!!

Everything he criticised me for (and it wasn't much, and he was very clam and respectful about it) is true of my character and I can see how I made him unhappy.

BUT I do agree is there always a certain amount of re-writing when the A is around. That's why I asked him to end it so we can assess our M or the end of it with clear heads and on safe ground. So his comment that our relationship was one of "codependency", not love - well! that one I put I the martial rewriting box!!!!

I have hope, but I see my man has different values to me and he is really being tested at this time to SHOW WHO he is. Who he is going to BECOME. We may be collaterol damage in that process, but now I have to become the 'beacon of light' for myself, for baby and to show him who I am, what my values ARE. Lead by example, sort of thing...

I feel and have always felt the exact same thing. All along in this process since S birth I have evaluated decisions I was making by saying and thinking "Is this showing S my values, example of what is tolerable in a marriage, an example of a strong woman that he should come to look for? Is it an example of being the best mom I can be?" So I hope I showed him that even though his dad did this to me and I allowed him to be with OW without making the decision to file for D, I did it because I had hope that his dad and I would be together and I wanted to make sure, no matter what, that he and his dad had a good relationship. But once his dad decided to divorce, I proceeded to live my life and find a better husband.

If your H doesn't want to be with your child and be the most involved as possible then your child will understand why you responded the way you did. Even if your H wants to be a part of your child's life and super involved, your child will know you didn't want the divorce; you planned to have her based on love and intention of having a family. This outcome was not your decision or choice whatsoever!

Sorry if this is confusing. My point is that if we hang on or fight for our M it is still respectable. If we ditch the M and do our best to try and make sure the dad is in their lives (if the dad is willing) then it is still respectable.

No matter what you are already being the example you want to set for your daughter.

Just got caught up.

I'm glad you spent time with WAH in discussion; I'm glad you feel some relief in the contact.

Random thoughts:

+ It is still not healthy to "go along" in a relationship unhappily for a long time without bringing anything up.
+ Whatever made him decide to do that will pop up again in his future/current relationships if he doesn't acknowledge and process this issue.
+ Every story can be slanted. If you thought hard enough, you probably will be able to find evidence of his love for you from the past years. (Not trying to speak for you because you know your sitch better than we do, but in general I think you could create a slant for the other side!)
+ His unhappiness in your relationship mirrors his unhappiness in himself. Going to another person (OW) WILL NOT fix that.
+ Irrational ideas can be phrased in very rational, logical ways. In fact, it could be evidence of him convincing himself.
+ One theory for why he doesn't want to be in the birthing room: guilt. He would have to assume a role (or at least be confronted with a role) that he has denied you and the baby so far.
+ Glad you talked about $$ with him. Will the child support payments break him financially?
+ The OW is definitely not the problem; she's the symptom. And I do think that all the WAS are "unhappy" with the LBSes, but I think that it is misplaced. And I believe that each WAS believes firmly that the problem is the LBS, so it's not surprising to hear him say that about you.

I don't know if you want to hear it or not, but I still have hope for this sitch.

The birth is almost here, P! You are going to do a great job with your little one. I really like what NM said about being an example for S. It's a great opportunity we have.