Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives Just found out she already filed

Let's see, she left in March and it's now mid April. Why would you expect yourself to be over it? It was yesterday almost! Give yourself a break, mourn a little, cry a little and realize those moments will come and go and get farther in between. Be good to yourself, you aren't a Stupid Romeo! You are a man who tried his best and therefore should be proud of your dedication to your vows and your family. It wasn't you who walked, you were faithful! It will get better, just give it time.

I know what you are going through. Jump over and see my day. I can't understand why it seems to hurt so much -- still. I hated limboland and at times wanted some finality. But now that finality is rolling towards me I can't stand up.

Met with STBXW yesterday for her b.day dinner. It was my idea to suggest that we cut the cake for DD together. Here's my notes copy/paste from FB:

"Just got back from dinner. She had chosen one of our usual mexican food chains at a big mall. I picked DD up from school, went to the park to let her play for a bit, then we picked up a cake and candles then met STBXW at the restaurant. Overall it went well, we didn't talk about R, just other random 'stuff'.

After dinner we blew the candles and ate the cake etc. I asked if she was excited about her biking trip out of town (I hope she doesn't hookup with anyone :() - she said yes and that she was also nervous because it's a 100 mile ride. I told her she could totally do it, she's really good at it and we talked a bit more about it. I asked her if she found a job, she said no and that she feels like a loser. I told her no, she shouldn't think that way there are just too many people and too few jobs right now...i've always said that to her. Then I asked her if she needs money she kinda shrugged her shoulders and said 'i think I'm ok...' I told her to just ask if she needs money I don't want her to suffer. Then I handed her a renewal bill for COSTCO membership and asked if she wanted me to pay for it. She played dumb like she didn't know what I was saying but finally she said 'if you want to...' I told her that was fine and I took it back. She wasn't really dressed up but she still looked lovely. She just turned 38 and I noticed a couple of slight wrinkles emerging on her face (no makeup) and I wondered how I still love that face, even more than before. We were there for about an hr then as the conversation started slowing up I got up to go. She didn't offer a hug nor did I try, I just held DD's hand said "bye" and started walking away after she gave DD a hug - I heard her say 'thanks...bye' as she got in her car."

SR, it's time to stop caretaking her. She's a big girl and it's her job to ask you for money or help paying the bills if she needs it. I know you're worried that she's pushing for D because of financial issues, but I don't think you can fix this by making things more financially comfortable for her right now.

Sounds like the dinner went well.

(((SR)))

I hear you here- so sorry I haven't been writing- I forgot you started a new thread and didn't set up email reminders for this one! My H is being nice too. I think they like that we're giving them what they're asking for, which makes me feel bad, but what other choice do we have? You have and CAN survive- even thrive- without her. Like FM says, each new bomb is a blow- it's going to be a rollercoaster for a little while. I just wish we all could enjoy the ups more.



Ok, first of all "phatheticness" is not even a word . Sorry, trying to lift you up a bit. But it's not a word, so you can't be it. I think, no matter how much talk either way there's been, that paper/legal stuff has a big impact. If it didn't, you wouldn't be human. She may or may not still have any ambivalence about it, but all you can act and react to are her actions (or don't react, as the situation merits.), not what you think her thoughts and feelings, are, etc. I like your list too- try to stick to it, ok?

(((SR)))

SR - I agree with Flowmom. Perhaps if you didn't make it so easy on her she might not find it so easy to walk away from you. Stop being so nice. You don't have to be mean, but I don't think you are getting anywhere by offering her money/help at every corner. JMO.

BA

FM, BA, I don't think my helping her with the money will have any effect on the D but it might on how she may perceive me (criticizing anal unsupporting H). I also feel sad about how she must feel inside to do this and I want to help her just because I care about her.



Hey I'm allowed to make up words as I go lol and it flows so well with the rest of my eloquently crafted sentences. Sometimes I reread and go...holy crap! will anyone reading it even understand what jibberish I just wrote.

I don't know what to do here...

DD's been telling the neighbors' kids "My mommy doesn't live here...she lives in her other house. She'll come back though"

It breaks my heart to hear her say that and I havne't said anything. I think she just needs someone to validate her and say "oh ok, yeah she'll come back". A few days ago she was talking to my sis and said the same thing to her and my sis is the one that said "poor little thing she kept telling me just so I could give her hope that you'll all be together again but I couldn't".

So what do I say if anything at all?

For a long time D11 held onto hope that it would all work out with our M. She finally gave up about two months ago. She's been down ever since.

Whenever I'm with D7, she'll introduce me to people this way, "this is my dad. He doesn't live with my mom anymore. He's getting divorced." Still, though a couple of times in the past few weeks she'll ask if mommy and me are getting back together.

I know STBXW has told both of them we aren't getting back together. She doesn't want them to hold on to hope.

I'd tell your DD that you'll always love her mom but you'll have a different kind of family in the future.

Hey, on the money thing. My STBXW makes MORE money than me and yet I really enabled her early on. When I moved out last May I left $2,000 in the bank for her and then just took minimal amounts the first month I was gone.

The first thing she did was go out and charge a $2,000 swing set -- on a joint account -- because I told her two weeks before we couldn't afford it.

The person I was staying with made me get an apartment because he didn't want me to continue to finance her lifestyle. I justified the actions by thinking we'd eventually get back together and I didn't want to lose the house.

It did me no good at all. It allowed her to have quite a fun summer while I worked weekend jobs for extra money and to occupy my mind.

It wasn't until September that she started to feel the financial pinch and now I got an email about some loan she's trying to take.

You can be a nice guy without offering her money. Right now, in her warped brain, she isn't thinking "Boy, isn't SR great. That's so nice." She's thinking either you're a chump or that you don't think she can make it on her own.

My STBXW thought that way. When I offered to help, she was offended.

You need to save that money so DD doesn't grow up poor. I wonder now how much better shape I'd be in if I hadn't basically given her $4,000 last year.

you know what, you never know what the future will bring. I think it is fine to tell her that you would love to have the family be together, but things don't always work the way you want them too, and we just have to trust in God's plan for our lives whether she comes back or not. But you know that you will always be there for her and that nothing will change your love for her.

idk. I'm sure that is so hard to hear. my kids weren't realy close to their dad, my 3 year old was oblivious almost, and my 9 year old, or maybe he was 8 would only cry because I was crying. so I never really had that issue with my kids.