How do you get those boxes again...I used to know how to do that. I'll have to figure it out later.
Anway, YES--it was/is totally unrealistic for him to work 14 hour days and do a huge remodeling project. (he would disagree. He sees this stuff done in 1/2 hour on television--thinks it's not that big a deal), and he does have blocks of time (3-4 days off at a time).
Like I said--it was the kitchen that nearly did me in. I said OK to doing the living room himself (removing a fireplace, french doors, removing pocket doors, etc.)
But he pushed me for the kitchen and I just about lost my mind. In fact--I think I DID lose my mind. I don't remember ever being that angry before in my life. I was consumed with hatred and rage that he would put us through so much stress. Blowing up like I did was a complete 180 for me. Shocked the heck out of him.lol. I've been pretty meek and mild for the past 6 years.
When we went to the counselor, he said of course this should not be done--he has NO TRACK RECORD of ever finishing anything. He is living a fantasy that isn't fair to his family.
I was able to not let the other things affect me for a long time. But I have a son who is aware that dad seems to have a problem. I am always worried how this is affecting him.
So why would taking meds be "desparate measures" to you? And do you have a site that talks about "life strategies"?
I'm going to go back and watch a couple more videos and then off to bed!
Hey Flowmom, I just saw the "cancer" video and it brought back a story.
One of my really strong Christian friends found a lump in her breast. Her husband said she was completely freaked out and would I go talk to her. She was looking at chemo, losing her hair--all that stuff. But the Dr's were pretty optomistic. Still, she was freaking out of course.
As I started talking to her, I could barely contain my excitement! I told her, You're not going to get this now, but one day, this will be one of the most interesting times of your life--you will have experiences that scare the H*** out of you, but you are a Christian and you will see God's grace and literally feel his presence.
She tells that story all the time now. She has AMAZING stories of what happened to her.
Hi Laura - Some things about your sitch do sound familiar, although my ex was pretty good at finishing things. He would just go off on these slightly manic episodes - like the time I took my little daughter to ballet class, and came home to find my H had taken a wall out in my absence!
There's nothing wrong with wanting to fix up a house, or even with being hard-working and ambitious enough to tackle a big job like a kitchen. BUT - when the PRESSURE behind them doing it feels weird, it usually means something else is going on.
I don't know about your H, but mine definitely was always looking to make things better in hopes that he would then FEEL better. He could never be satisfied, because he was always looking to fill a hole in himself. And just as he remodeled the house, he was always trying to improve me as well.
Now - not saying I didn't need any improving, I did. But now that we're divorcing, it's so refreshing to find that other men apparently think I'm pretty okay as I am!
Thans SO much for posting. I was surprised to hear about your D...and yet...Not so surprised...
Your husband was a perfectionist, that was clear to me. And you were always working at improving things. I remember you were SO GOOD at this stuff (well, and you had been at it 2 years more than I had at that time --2004).lol. And your H seemed to always find SOMETHING to be not-quite-happy with. That SO reminds me of my H. I hear that they are very tortured people really, but boy, they do a good job at bringing you down with them!
I wondered, even back then, if YOU would ever grow tired of that--I'm actually more surprised it went the other way.
You see, I am growing weary of this. I can still improve, I see that there are even more things to try...and detaching is giving me even MORE perspective than I thought I'd get, and actually, I am enjoying changing myself EVEN MORE than I dreamed possible (because ALL my relationships benefit from this--I have really enjoyed that part of it).
I worry so much for my S 14--you have some older kids right? Do you feel they will bring misery to their future S's? I don't know if my son seeing my H this way is going to damage him forever. I am committed to staying, well, at least until my S is in college. Then maybe my H will let me off the hook and I feel I'll be like you--freedom smells so good sometimes...
And I also wonder something--have you continually been challenged to "do better". Does that keep you going? Do you get caught up in the changes, and your H is almost an afterthought? I can almost see that this could keep me going a lot longer than I originally planned.
I am happy for you, that you get to experience a relationship where you feel accepted. I know so much about spiritual gifts and all that, I think I would pick a very different person. Did you find yourself doing that?
And I know you must be so greatful for all you learned here--I know I am.
Thanks again for writing--I look forward to reading future posts! Laura
I have to be very careful not to "type away" while H is around--he hates me communicating with "someone else"lol. Actually, typing away is a good way of being mysterious, if you have a need to. But that is not for you my dear, You should be nice and dark right now. I'll pop over and see how you're doing.
"you have some older kids right? Do you feel they will bring misery to their future S's? "
They're older, thank goodness, although it's still hard. He's a good dad, really, and I still believe they benefited from seeing a mostly good relationship, most of the time.
"And I also wonder something--have you continually been challenged to "do better"." Actually, I feel the pressure is off. At the same time, DBing taught me to let go of my preconceived notions - and that has served me very well in my current life, I'm more open and adventurous. Now I play the drums in a rock band.
"I think I would pick a very different person. Did you find yourself doing that? " lol - yup. Probably too much. H was a neat freak - new guy is a slob. But I find it refreshing! H threw out Halloween candy the day after; new guy asks me to bring him Sees chocolates. H (like ALL of my previous boyfriends) was very good at talking about his feelings. New guy is the first "typical" guy I ever dated, apparently - he runs from any conversation about our feelings, the R, any such. lol H would give only the briefest of massages, on request only. New guy gives foot massages
I think I made a mistake in making myself feel responsible for H. Maybe my marriage would still be intact if I had just done the things I'm doing now, then? (Then again, maybe not! He wouldn't really fit in with my new friends very well.)
(I think I made a mistake in making myself feel responsible for H. Maybe my marriage would still be intact if I had just done the things I'm doing now, then? (Then again, maybe not! He wouldn't really fit in with my new friends very well.)
I am struggling with this one right now. I am pretty detached ---I do like that! So some things I've always struggled with, are coming more easily.
Like walking away from one of his rants--which can turn into red-faced screaming on his part that he has NO idea what he even said when they are done. Now, I have a script: "Sorry you feel this way H. I hope things in the future can be a different". Then I turn and walk away.
***there is one coming tomorrow--they usually come on Mondays since it is just he and I on our own (he's off on Mondays) and S is in school.***
I have felt anxious about that off and on today, but I did a littl thinking about it, and you know? I have to show him over and over and over until he gets it--you just aren't going to scream at me any more. Part of my joy and peace that I have FINALLY obtained in this R is the fact that I can now walk away from these things with absolutely no guilt.
I think I got validating a little skewed in the DBing process the first time around, because validating is not letting them scream at you. It's letting them have their say, but it cannot be a rant that lasts 20 minutes. Duh!!lol.
I've also been struggling a bit with his resentment. He has been sulky!! Which is anger really. I know he's not sure how to deal with it, now that the ranting is off limits. I did read somewhere that greating your H warmly by name is a good one for conquering resentment. So I have been trying that out--boy, does that feel awkward when they are pretty much seething at you as you do it!lol.
But a couple of positives here lately--asked if I would like some lunch, still calls me "mom" (which, the first time he stopped for pretty much the entire 9 months.) He put up curtain rods in S's room without being asked (well, not that I was ever going to ask myself, but I would have had S ask his dad to do it) And he called me sweetie yesterday! Wow, that was nice to hear!
Still no touching and he practically runs when he sees I am going for in for a hug.lol. My counselor said to get my hands on him and be very flirty. Which, I can do only because of how detached I am right now. Heck, I am a "touchy, flirty gal" now (or aspire to be!) and he'll just have to deal with the new me. Or not. Either way, this is what I am going to be for ME!!
All in all, I am hopeful and know I have some months ahead of me that will be challenging. S and I checked out a new coffee shop in town today that has different music groups that play regularly. We had such a nice chat with the owners, a lovely couple who were really easy to talk to. I am so looking forward to going back!
(I think I made a mistake in making myself feel responsible for H. Maybe my marriage would still be intact if I had just done the things I'm doing now, then? (Then again, maybe not! He wouldn't really fit in with my new friends very well.)
I am struggling with this one right now. I am pretty detached ---I do like that! So some things I've always struggled with, are coming more easily.
Like walking away from one of his rants--which can turn into red-faced screaming on his part that he has NO idea what he even said when they are done. Now, I have a script: "Sorry you feel this way H. I hope things in the future can be a different". Then I turn and walk away.
***there is one coming tomorrow--they usually come on Mondays since it is just he and I on our own (he's off on Mondays) and S is in school.***
I have felt anxious about that off and on today, but I did a littl thinking about it, and you know? I have to show him over and over and over until he gets it--you just aren't going to scream at me any more. Part of my joy and peace that I have FINALLY obtained in this R is the fact that I can now walk away from these things with absolutely no guilt.
I think I got validating a little skewed in the DBing process the first time around, because validating is not letting them scream at you. It's letting them have their say, but it cannot be a rant that lasts 20 minutes. Duh!!lol.
I've also been struggling a bit with his resentment. He has been sulky!! Which is anger really. I know he's not sure how to deal with it, now that the ranting is off limits. I did read somewhere that greating your H warmly by name is a good one for conquering resentment. So I have been trying that out--boy, does that feel awkward when they are pretty much seething at you as you do it!lol.
But a couple of positives here lately--asked if I would like some lunch, still calls me "mom" (which, the first time he stopped for pretty much the entire 9 months.) He put up curtain rods in S's room without being asked (well, not that I was ever going to ask myself, but I would have had S ask his dad to do it) And he called me sweetie yesterday! Wow, that was nice to hear!
Still no touching and he practically runs when he sees I am going for in for a hug.lol. My counselor said to get my hands on him and be very flirty. Which, I can do only because of how detached I am right now. Heck, I am a "touchy, flirty gal" now (or aspire to be!) and he'll just have to deal with the new me. Or not. Either way, this is what I am going to be for ME!!
All in all, I am hopeful and know I have some months ahead of me that will be challenging. S and I checked out a new coffee shop in town today that has different music groups that play regularly. We had such a nice chat with the owners, a lovely couple who were really easy to talk to. I am so looking forward to going back!
Why should H fit in with "your new friends"... ? It seems to me anyone who respects their marriage would have the "new friends" fit in with the both of you. If they can't they have to go. Thats the right way.
Theres been many people who have left for a new group of friends. Its the same as leaving for another lover.
DLS - I didn't leave, H did. My point is, in the marriage, H was so snobbish about people, I just went along with hanging out with his friends. I didn't make much effort to include MY friends if they were people I knew H would look down his nose at. (Mostly because I didn't want to subject my friends to H's subtle disapproval, or listen to H bitch about them later).
Now that we are divorcing, I've rediscovered those friends and made many new ones that I enjoy way more than the set we used to socialize with.
