Ugh...cloudy day...not really the sun is shining but I am cloudy...
It is my little Sydney's birthday, she turns four today. I called her this morning at MIL's as she spent the night. They were out looking at chickens. So Dan just had her call me back.
I don't know what happened, I was singing "Happy Birthday" to her and halfway through I started crying...I finished the song and she didn't seem to notice. As soon as I was done she said, "Bye" and handed the phone to her dad.
She is busy with her cousins as she should be, but it hurts me to know I am not with her on her birthday and she doesn't seem to mind...I don't want her to be sad and yet I am sad...I need to go out in the fresh air and cheer up...
Oh and I took Sydney out to MILs after our pedicure evening. I had called Dan and he was running an errand and had left Nathan at MILs playing Wii.
So anyway I took Sydney out there...I haven't been there in a few months, I missed seeing all the calves get born. So I walked down to the pasture by myself. Our favorite cow, Connie, saw me. I talked to her and she came up to the fence with half a dozen other cows and heifers and the calves. She let me feed her some grass and she licked me. We always said she was more of a dog than a cow! But then Lacey, one that we have had for about 4 years now, the one Dan was showing the year his PA started, approached me. Lacey has always hated me, she has charged me more than once and doesn't generally like me in her vicinity. I just kept talking and held out some grass. She let me feed her too for about five minutes and I pet her a bit as well. I have not been able to touch her in three years without her trying to hurt me. It was really surprising and nice...I didn't realize how much I missed our the cattle... But hey they aren't mine anymore I signed them away in the settlement. The calves are still pretty cute though...and the pasture at sunset is about the most serene place you'll find, frogs croaking everywhere, the sound of the babies nursing, the mom's lowing at them, it was nice...
Kerry not sure why she didn't like me. She started out ok, but then I think with all the time Dan spent on her grooming her for showing (we're talking at least 2 hours a day of washing, blowing dry, combing, etc. all while talking to her) she maybe was jealous when I was around? Weird. Could just be my tone of voice or my smell, I don't know!? I think it started when she was in labor with her first calf and I went in to check on her, so maybe it was her mothering instinct? Hey at least she let me feed and pet her last night!
Ok a little better now, just like most of us on here, I never thought the day I gave birth to my little princess that there would be a time I could not spend her birthday with her--at this age anyway. I know when they get older it doesn't happen all the time! But when asked the last time he felt truly close to me during counseling, Dan always says the day she was born...
My cousin/friend ran into me at the florist this morning, I was dropping off Sydney's balloons for her party and ordering a flower arrangement to put on the table tomorrow for her Tinker Bell extravaganza!
Cousin and I used to be close in middle/high school, she actually married Dan's sister's long-time-first boyfriend (7 years through middle/high school) so that has always been interesting! Anyway we have been reconnecting since the whole Dan saga came out last summer and I opened up to her.
So anyway she called twenty minutes after I saw her, "Sorry for rushing out, I had to be at H's mom's for her birthday. Hey H's friend, S, who was in our wedding, is in town today. He is coming over tonight to drink beer and hang out, maybe watch Avatar. You should come."
So I think I will...so much for cleaning and organzing my evening away! Off to work on the yard...
Downloaded a book to listen to while I mow, from one of my favorite "New Life" authors. Called "Healing is a Choice" about getting unstuck.
One small victory? I didn't text Dan and tell him how much I hate him today for being the reason I can't spend my d's birthday with her. I can think it but I won't say it and hopefully eventually I will stop thinking it too.
I don't have to mow! I could pull some weeds, but I don't know that I want to.
As far as Sydney sounding happy without you there... I think that little kids live very much in the moment, where they are. They are not as much into what isn't as what is. You know how you leave them with a sitter, and it's like it is killing them, and 20 minutes later it's like you never existed!
I am better, came in for a water break. A man I don't know came into my back yard, behind my fence but still my property, where I have a creek. He is mowing the whole area for me and I didn't say a word. I stopped my mowing inside the fence to thank him and he told me he was here mowing for his parents a couple houses down and decided to come help since he was done with their yard and had a couple of hours to kill... He is very nice, and knows my dad (they are the same age), I should have gotten his name but didn't. What a sweet gesture though!
I am ok with the birthday now. Sydney is happy on her birthday and that is exactly what I want!
But then Lacey, one that we have had for about 4 years now, the one Dan was showing the year his PA started, approached me. Lacey has always hated me, she has charged me more than once and doesn't generally like me in her vicinity. I just kept talking and held out some grass. She let me feed her too for about five minutes and I pet her a bit as well. I have not been able to touch her in three years without her trying to hurt me. It was really surprising and nice...I didn't realize how much I missed 