Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Getting bad advice from "friends" . . . . .

Feel better after calling people names? Is that really necessary? Look, like it or not, you need to think about what would make you happy if you were single.

Nobody is telling you to give up on your marriage. They (and I) are telling you that you cannot control your wife. The only person you CAN control is yourself, and you are going to need to work on that.

When Whoopi Goldberg's character on "The Color Purple" was explaining to "Harpo" how to control his wife. "I's just can't control her", Whoopi said "beat her". LOL. I'm not endorsing violence, just trying to make lite of attempting to control or have a better position in a situation thats out of your control.

You CAN control your wife - IF SHE ALLOWS IT and vice-versa. You see sometimes we relinquish control on purpose, and in certain area's we may let one spouse always control it, and others the other.

Alot of good information here.

I suppose I should be more specific. Anyone have any relevant experience in this matter. Should I ask about it when she gets home? Shouldn't I? Why or why not?

Further, I have no doubt that the payments and my jobless status is part of the conversation, and no doubt will be the PRIMARY justification for the negative crap.

Frankly, if the situation were reversed, I wouldn't even give these things a second thought with regard to respect or to assign blame. It might help to point out I'm not a deadbeat laying around the house. I'm picking up a little work here and there on the side, getting a lot done around the house, both the "man stuff" and household duties. Did that before anyway, but moreso now, since I have the free time. I am bringing some money in, but it's sporadic, and not half of what I was making.

I suppose what I'm looking for is how to broach this topic. It seems kinda silly to simply "do or say or ask nothing" She's so "internal" anyway, I'm definitely the communicator in our relationship. I do care, and I know she knows this, it's one of the things that she liked about me that led to our dating.

From a "think about what I'll do if I'm single soon" perspective too, actually. It might be nice to at least get some sort of a "heads up" as to where this is headed. For all I know I could be served papers tomorrow.

Starting to think coming here might have been yet another error on my part. Sorry for wasting ya'll's time.

No, it didn't make me feel better, that's why I edited it out about a minute after I posted it. So far, nothing said has made me feel better.

Aye, there's the rub, eh? Now, I too find the advice of friends and relatives almost useless in relationships, and what is more... I have noticed folks will shop around for the friend or relative that offers the advice that supports their own position the most when they are thinking about leaving a relationship.

That being said, there is a bit of irony in being mad about a spouse that does this with a particular same sex friend while you do it with anonymous strangers on a message board.

We're all trying to help in our own way, and most of us have walked in similiar shoes at one time or another. Different things have worked for each of us at different times, but ... I am thinking... he already told his W. he didn't appreciate this role her friend is playing in their marital problems..., and she already decided she doesn't care what he thinks about it right now.

I am thinking this might not be one of the fights he may want to pick when there's so much more going on in his life.

I would think getting out there and pounding the pavement and getting another job that pays well might be a huge turn around, for example. I know it's tough in this economy, but if he were single, he'd have to do that if he wanted a house to live in.

Breathe.

Don't ask your wife ANYTHING.

Buy and read Divorce Remedy, NOT Divorce Busting. It isn't helpful.

Do not print out or give her anything to read.

Be mysterious by going for a drive, to the movies (by yourself even) and don't tell her where you're going or when you'll be back.

And get some help for your temper. I bet that's one of her reasons right there. You need to be calm if you want help here, and for your marriage.

So here's a nutshell scoop from my sitch that you can see if something helps in regard to yours....

I did pursue early on and it did not help. Made my W even more mad. I was about the last person she wanted to see or discuss our situation with. When we did talk, she was mad.

Go forward a couple of months and we are talking on the phone. She is a little more talkative with me than usual and we end up deciding to go to lunch together. We end up having a long talk. Evidently she was finally ready to have this talk with me.

As we are talking, the one thing that sticks out to me as I am listening to her is stuff about financial goals and job stuff.

When we were done talking, whether I agreed with all of it or not, at least I knew what her perspective was and I could react accordingly. So today, my employment situation is improving and we are in MC together.

So that's where my personal perspective comes from in regard to WAW and financial stuff.

So your saying that when we get bombarded by these friends giving our spouses information that is detrimental to us and our relationship that the spouse was purposely listening to what they want to hear? We suffer as a result, we blame the friends - but it really was the wife picking who she was listening to?



There is a difference as most people on forums like this are given positive advice in attempts to save a marriage. What we hear these "friends" giving is advice that is focused on controlling us, or asking why are they with us. You said earlier that while we may blame the friends, the friends may actually be telling her what she wanted to hear... Something to think about.



Any of those friends who aren't marriage friendly, or the hard core "single" person putting their business causing us to jump around like a hot potatoe, or to get dumped, or the be cheated on. We don't like those friends. But our spouse did not have to listen, and like you said, perhaps the spouse aligned themself with this person because they wanted to do precisely that. If the spouse is to recover the marriage, along with affair partners, they need to distance from friends such as this.

Hey Kimmie,
Thanks for going a little more in depth. And actually, One thing I'm sure of, is 'my temper' isn't an issue in our relationship contrary to the way it might appear . . . and wouldn't have appeared that way for very long other than someone doesn't seem to want to cut me any slack and let it ride . . . and still continues with insulting crap like "maybe you should try get a job." Wow . . .that idea never crossed my mind. Thanks.

Time Heals:
The difference in what I'm doing here and what she is doing is that I'm trying to SAVE, my Marriage, not looking for justification to end it.

You then assert that my wife has already decided she doesn't care what I think and is gonna discuss this with her friend. Not sure how you know that, as I don't even know that.
I'm worried she will, but I don't have a clue if she'll honor my wish. When I apologized for asking her not to, all she said was something along the lines of "okay" it was pretty ambiguous, actually.

Anyway . . . . .
Again Kimmie, I appreciate you cutting me a little slack here . . like I pointed out, being blown out of the water isn't something I deal with on a daily basis.

As for your assessment of The first book, I can't disagree, though in Michelles defense, I screwed up right off the bat by purchasing two of them and mailing one to my former wife on the way home from buying the book, then saw I wasn't supposed to do that. Essentially . . .I gave the ex my "playbook."

Now my next thing, please don't take this wrong, Kimmie, I'm just trying to make sense of this. It doesn't seem outlandish to me to show my Wife something written by a professional that shows that relationship advice from friends is usually bad.

As for being mysterious, that would make me more suspicious than curious if she did that. She isn't mysteriously disappearing right now, and I would hate to give her the rationalization to start doing it too.

Again, I'm not trying to be argumentative here, I'm just trying to make sense in my own head of all this.

Giving her stuff to read, or otherwise trying to get her to "see the light" will be seen as pursuing. Just don't! She will be repulsed by more pursuit and you will be seen as controlling.

Be mysterious. Go out on your own. Stop worrying about how she will react to it.

This DB stuff is counter-intuitive. It will feel wrong, but if you believe nothing else, please believe that by trying to hold on to her tighter, she will slip through your fingers.

Leave her alone right now. Do your own thing. Read other posters sitches here.

And there is one more thing: This forum has lots, well some, posters who keep asking for good advice, and then refuse to consider it. When that happens, a lot of us realize that the advice is falling on deaf ears, so we give up posting on those particular threads.

Just saying.....