Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers New member, same old story...WAW

Hello Sandi2!
No, she had not had any counseling. I think she internalized it and went on with life.
-Lost_Dad

Lost_Dad,
Sorry to see you here but glad you came seeking advice. Our stories are very much similiar as my wife was "taken" away from her friends when we moved out of state. She then made some new friends at a church she was going to but I never supported them because at the time I was recovering from past drug abuse and always felt like they looked down on me.
Then to top that off my work requires me to be away alot which never let me spend time with the kids. And now I struggle with just finding away to reconnect with them.

The best advice I can give you right now is to find yourself, find the man inside that can show your kids the love and attention that they need. Do not concentrate on trying to change your wife, you cannot do that, she can only change herself. Maybe just maybe if she sees you being the man you can be she will be attracted back to you. (I think I got this right, someone step in and help me out here)

I will leave the rest up to the more expierienced here, but find yourself first and work on changing things that YOU know you have issues with. Dont beat yourself up over them, just learn from mistakes made in the past and move on to a better tommorow.
P.S. You ever notice how much easier it is to give advice then to heed your own words? Good luck LD, your not alone on this trip.

Thanks for the response Wired.
I have been working on myself for the last few months and following DB methods before finding this forum. Living with a spouse whom has shut down and given up on the R is the toughest thing that I've ever had to do in my life. I have read so much in the last few months and understand where and what has gone wrong on my part but I also understand that I'm not solely to blame.
Now my issue is how to open up and start talking with her knowing that most likely everything that she is going to say will be about tearing our family apart.
I have been stalling these discussions to buy some time for taking care of myself but I think it is making her more resentful the longer it goes on.
-Lost_Dad

Anyone,
I'm kind of at a loss here at the moment. The "deadlock" has been on going for a few weeks and nothing has really changed between my W and I. I've been doing the household things that she complained about me not doing for quite a while (for me not her, I'd have to do them any way if she left) and I've worked hard at improving time/relationship with my kids. Now, it seems that there is a quiet competition going on between my wife and I with the kids. As I get more involved with my kids, W is coming home from work and her (happy) interacting with the kids seems forced and fake to me.
I'm working on GAL with different things from what I did before and trying to include my kids.
I think the bigger part of the stalemate is that W thinks she can leave the M but not leave the house.
What to do there?
I'm not helping her with any discussions of a separation till my thoughts are in the right place. W claims she has been thinking about this for a few years so she can't expect me to just up and change my thoughts and feelings in five months.
The problem is that my gut (if I can trust it) feeling is that if I give it more time, W will reconsider and open up. Is my thinking wrong here?
-Lost Dad

Hi, Lost Dad

I'm not in much of a position to give advice, but you have to settle in for the long haul. My W can be pretty much the same way. She wouldn't talk and when she did, she would be all pissy and nagative about everything. Then, she would be nice, touchy feely, almost normal. That would last no more than two days and, BAM, back to super bitch. The roller coaster is brutal. I would tear myself up wondering what I said to make her go from nice to a$$ again. It is her, not you. You have to be even keeled and let her be or act however she want. Don't be a jerk, just be a good person and a good Dad.

You are not alone. Hang in there and stay strong. I am still working on all of this myself and come here for reassurance and the 2x4 when I need it. This board really does help so don't be shy and post a lot. Good luck!

Thanks for the reply idontunderstand.
I am in this for the long haul and avoiding all the "family" advice to let it go. I've had the ILYBDLY talk and the I'm done finished talk and the I want a separation talk. I'm seeing the wedding rings on and off (now they are off) and going through the phase of her going out and not telling me were (I don't ask).
There is no OP for either of us.
The most difficult thing is that we live together and work together at the same place so getting away from each other is hard.
Oh yeah, there is no physical contact or ILYs either. W is turning 40 this year and I think there is something to that as well.
Help! The aliens have taken my wife!
Lost Dad

Reading your post just now, I thought of something that happened after new years that I don't think I ever put in the right context until now.

Long story short: New year's eve we both went different places. When I got home at @ 2:00 a.m., W was waiting in bed with new bra and panties, she said how sorry she was for hurting me, I was her life, she loved me and didn't want to lose me, etc. We made love and it was great. After that, to me, it was like the past few months had never happened. We would be OK. This lasted for four days. One night, we went to bed, she fell asleep in my arms and the next morning, before she said a word to me, I knew the alien was back. That night, she said nothing had changed, ILYBNILWY, she just needed time. I told her, no. If you want out, lets not wait, I'll go see a lawyer this week and we can get the ball rolling. I reminded her that she said she was done, it's too late, all of that BS. She suddenly changed her tune. She said she just meant she was done with arguing about the same thins, that it's too late to make up for lost time. We would be OK, this happens in every marriage, this is just a bad time for her and us and we would work through it.

This was on Jan. 4, and here it is almost three months later and things are a little better, but not good. Anyway, the point of my story is when I stood up to her and said let's not wait, let's do this now if you want, she backed down. I was so depressed for a long time and so upset that she could go from I love you and sorry I hurt you to nothing has changed so quickly that I didn't realize what I did then is what I and all of us in this sitch need to do every day.

If they want it, let them have it. Don't try to talk her out of it. I did it the one time and it almost slipped my mind but it worked. You don't have to be an a$$. Tell her you don't agree but if that's what she wants, you can't stop her from moving out.

Coach says "big girl panties". PDT says "embrace the suck". None of this is easy and if we want it to work, we must be willing to take that step of faith and do what doesn't feel right, but do what works.(sandi2)

Again, not easy and I have trouble myself, but the answers are here all over this board. We have to be strong enough to do what we have to do to try and save our marriages and ourselves. I strive every day to find that strength and be more consistent in my actions.

Don't get me wrong here, I've made it clear to her that she's free to leave and it was not what I wanted. She is the one whom is failing to act on what she wants and I'm not pushing her. She also has said that she wants to keep this (separation) nice and friendly, and be friends and not be like those other people who fight it out. I don't get it.
-Lost Dad

What signs have you seen that make you think turning 40 has some affect in all of this?

Sandi2, she was very adamant last summer about no parties or anything special to do with her 40th this year, unlike anyone else in the family, 40th parties are the norm. Now, like today at lunch she was complaining about her looks (wrinkles, hiding her face needing a make over). She has never taken a complement from me on how good I think she looks, ever. She has always found something negative to say if I had complemented her on her looks. Looking back, I think she was making some decision about our M just after her birthday last Aug.
Maybe I'm grasping at straws, I don't know.
-Lost Dad