Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Getting bad advice from "friends" . . . . .

Hello Folks, I'M not really a 'newbie" I was here about a decade ago when my ex-wife left me . . . clearly it didn't go so well. (Bought the DB book back then, 2 copies, gave one to my not-yet-Ex . . . got home, promptly read the part where is warns QUITE EMPHATICALLY to NOT do that . . . only got worse from there . . . so newbies . . . Don't do that!)
Well, I'm in a 'new relationship' for the last three years. My company closed down (16% unemployemnt in my area, you get the picture)

Anyway, when my first marriage broke up, a HUGE contributor to that outcome were her friends encouraging her to dump me.

Well, A few days ago I got "I've lost respect for you/ILYBINILWY/I'm DONE bombshell dropped. She told me about discussing it with one of her friends whom I know is rather good at sounding quite "sage and wise" from everything from how to train horses(I've forgotten more about training horses that she knows) etc. Suffice it to say that I KNOW she is getting misinformed advice and it ain't gonna be pretty for me. This woman doesn't 'hate' me as far as I know, we actually get along fine, but from other situations I've been privy to, I suspect my wife is gonna get the "You have to make yourself happy girl, and if he doesn't make you happy anymore, well . . . "Helpful advice"

I'll also say I don't really think my lack of a job is 100% of the issue. Heck, I don't think it's even 30% of it. Her parents are on her HUGE about being about 2 months in arrears on her house payment. The house is hers, even though while I worked I paid more than my share, and insisted on my own initiative (mainly for her parents, I knew they were a little concerned) that I signed a prenup that made it clear I made no claim whatsoever on the house in any way shape or form.

The other factor is her 17 year old daughter, who talks to her like she's an idiot and thinks my Wife is her personal valet which annoys me, but I'm kind of a 'lame duck" man of the house, so can't do much about it. On the plus side, her daughter knows I'm not one to put up with crap . . . and we get along fine, actually. But she'll play her mom like a slave puppet, and treats her that way too.

Of course my wifes friend is only vaguely aware of these situations, and I think I'm bearing the displaced feelings.

Anyway, I know I screwed up when I asked her (almost told her really) that I didn't want our situation discussed with her friend . . . I've already been a victim of THAT problem.

About fifteen minutes later, I did go and apologize, said I didn't have any business telling her who she could discuss what with. I kept it short and to the point.

Problem is . . . It is FREAKING ME OUT. I just ordered the "7 steps" book from Amazon, but . . . tomorrow my wife is gonna spend the day with . . .yep. I ain't got a clue how to handle this. Michelle has a page that talks about this very situation, but I already know it happens . . . my question is what do I do? I'm a basket case over this. Any advice or personal experiences would be greatly appreciated.

I should also point out that the "friends" my first wife took advice from had never even met me, and my 'new' wifes friend barely knows me, we've met maybe 10 times and spent maybe a total of 4 hours around each other, and generally got along pretty well, but my Wife seems to almost think of her as a guru or something.

I just don't know what to do. Just letting it happen seems like a bad idea (not that I could stop it anyway without being a total jerk, or even then, really). . .but I learned in my first divorce that I'm not real great at knowing good ideas from bad ones on matters like this. Please help, I hate "tomorrow" right now.

Breathe.

Back wa-a-a-a-y off from any real or perceived controlling behaviors.

Become mysterious.

Thanks Kimmie, That's what I'm doing for now if for no other reason than trying to be "controlling" wouldn't work anyway, in all likelihood. Problem is . . .I'm also well aware that "doing nothing" isn't really much better of a game plan.

To be honest, I don't even know what becoming mysterious really means. Thanks for the quick reply!

I'm no expert, but if she is 2 months behind on the house and you don't have a job.....my opinion is that it may be more of a problem than you realize. Financial security (the H being the provider) is very important to the W.

I think they mean GAL, stop worrying about what she is doing or feeling, don't reason or plead or explain. Just back off, and think about what you would need to do to make yourself happy if you were single.

Your wife talking to her friends about crap is one of those things you just really can't do anything about, dude.

Bummedout, I'm so sorry to see you're in this spot, having recently just entered the same sitch myself. I don't know what to say about "others'" opinions entering into the relationship except that they're all BS. Your new relationship, I believe, needs to talk with you, not everyone else.

I'm dealing with the same thing right now, as my H has made it clear he's talked with everyone at his office (most of whom I've never met) about me, and apparently they all agree I'm horrible. (His words, "Everyone at work is mad at you.")

I don't pretend to have any answers, as my own life is in turmoil enough right now. But I have to believe that the "everyone says" argument isn't a fair fight. This is between you and your partner.

I get the whole job/finance thing, too. It can be a double-edged sword, for guys or women. There's no question the financial stress we've faced these past few years has contributed to the current situation. But blame-placing is no way to resolve the situation -- it's just an easy out, I think.

Konfuseeed is correct....plus, she needs someone who she can talk to. Again, I'm no expert, but I wouldn't doubt that at least a part of the conversation between her and her friend is that the house payment is behind and the man of the house doesn't have a job.

I'm not saying this stuff to harp on you, but with my own situation (which is improving) and much much time I've spent researching about WAW's, the financial component is HUGE.

Hey Geomom,
No doubt it is BS . . . I thought about printing out that article that talks about how BAD friends advice can be, no matter how well intentioned. It amazes me that folks even try.

I remember back before I was ever married, working in a Warehouse where one of my coworkers was having problems with his wife. It was lunchroom fodder one day, with everyone telling the poor guy to leave the "B%#^CH and such. It had been building for weeks. I got ticked and told'em all they needed to stop the crap, they didn't know what they were talking about anyway, etc.

I've always believed that "When in doubt" try to encourage a relationship rather than discourage it. Early in life, it was mainly spats among friends and family, but it seems good advice in marriages too. Oh well, I suppose I'm a minority.

For the record: Thinking about what I'll do if I'm single . . .been there, done that, may again . . .but don't need 'advice' like that just yet.