Thanks wontquit it means alot to hear I am not alone in feeling this way.
I totally see the point about not pursuing her, I get it and I'm sure it works. The tough part for me to learn to swallow is that I spent soo much of our relationship not pursuing her that it's difficult to know that continuing to do that will help and not hurt. I guess in the past it wasn't grouped with GAL and 180s. The fact that I am learning about myself and my interactions with her will benefit me n the long run and if any of this works, it would be the aspect of that behavior that is different and more positive.
Thanks for the advice, hope things are gettng better for you.
If your pattern of behavior was NOT spending time with her then your 180 will be finding time to SPEND time with her. You can't force it but you can create the situation where spending time with her obviously means you're giving up something you would normally do. If you would "normally" go out with "the boys" then don't. If you would "normally" spend evenings working in the garage...then don't. Whatever was your "norm"..change it.
That's the 180.
By pursuing I mean, don't try to convince her that she needs to give you a second chance by discussing it to death. Create the environment where giving you a second chance is a desireable option.
Hang tough and take care of yourself through this. Eat and sleep and get a support network.
Thanks alot. I work late and alot so she is home alone alot. Has complained of loneliness for a while. I do find myself preoccupied with stuff that really isn't important. I think really making time for her would be a great priority for me. I know not to nag her about our relationship but to just stay positive in situations where I would have been angry or defensive.
I will give it a shot tonight when I get home. Thanks again.
I work for an organization in the military that has a very high "operational tempo". It is an organization that demands certain qualifications that are not easy to acquire. Even having those qualifications doesn't guarantee you'll get in. It's a job I've wanted for the past 15 years. 2 1/2 years ago I was accepted into the organization and it has been a ride like you'd never believe. But, it's not worth my marriage. I'm leaving the organization and going back to the "larger" military. It's not about me anymore. Not now.
If you can do the same (and be OK with it) it might be something to consider. Can you not work late? Or..can you make some changes that would put you in a position over the course of the next 6 months to not have to work late?
Just some thoughts...not suggestions...just thoughts. Only you know what you can and cannot do.
I would really love to but my job kind of requires that I work those hours. I agree that my work is not worth sacrificing my marriage but my W and I are in a finacial crunch right now. I really can't afford it. I am also a full time student and the semester is also over next week so I will have two additional days off a week that I haven't had for a while. I can dedicate those days to "us" and see how that goes. She has always been so supportive of me professionally and wants me to do well so I'm torn a bit with that.
I really feel like just keeping my head down and focusing on the things that she (and I honestly) feel have been lacking in our relationship. I have a bit of a problem with being responsible with financial matters and house related things. I agree that I have always dropped the ball with those things. I think focusing on doing that stuff will help my confidence that even with the threat (or promise as she would put it) of a D, I can still be pro-active and do the things to bettter myself regardless of how or if she responds to it.
Thanks kimmie, I know it will be tough, especially because we have shared so many great moments listening to those songs. I guys I have to find joy in those memories and seperate them from the situation I am in now. Tough order but I'm at the point where whatever I have to do to try and save my marriage (go dark, limit communication etc) I am willing to do it all.
You did key in on something in an earlier statement re: your financial irresponsibility and household matters. You work on those for you..not for her. Regardless of where the marriage goes, if you get better at those then you'll be better off for it. It'll make you happier with who you are and it'll make you either better in the marriage or better in the next relationhsip. But, do it for you.
I got those same complaints in my sitch. We've never been late with a bill. We've never had any issues at all. She just doesn't like the way I spend money and she's unbeleivably concerned about debt. I admit I've had issues with cc debt but that's from years gone by. I'm currently nearly debt free. If she hadn't lawyered up, I WOULD be debt free!
When I started helping out more around the house she was flabbergasted. Something as simple as making the bed in the morning while she was in the shower gained huge dividends. Of course, other crap became problematic later. She was justifying her decision and one by one I was taking her "issues" off the table by addressing them. "It's not sincere." "It's not sustainable."....
Hang in there. Do your 180's but do them for yourself.
Do yourself a favor and read some of the other threads. It'll blow your mind how common your wife's complaints are. It's almost a freakin' pandemic!
I agree I need to do them for myself. Over the last year I have become increasingly more upset and depressed with who I had become as a man, husband, son, brother, inlaw, employee etc.. I surely need some changes that benefit me personally, I don't know where all my shortcomings are but i can start with things addressed (correctly I think) in my own relationship. Just got home from work and she is on the phone with her brother, I plan on sitting on the couch as well and watching tv, she has not aknowledged me at all but hat has become pretty common.
Financial security is very important and is toward the top (if not at the top) of reasons that a wife walks away. Especially at the beginning, it will be hard to do stuff for you. Your every thought will be on her. That's normal.
My W and I are in counseling now, but one mistake I made early on was not giving her space. In my experience (no OM), giving her space is necessary and helps you not to pursue.
My personal experience is that she will be paying attention to what you are doing even if you don't think she is....especially the financial stuff if that is a weakness of yours. Not including myself, there are at least two others with a WAW and financial stuff (income disparity, bankruptcy, etc) that was a direct issue.
