Piano I agree total cake eater.The name part is difficult.If you did meet someone else in the future then it would be much easier for them to adopt ur daughter if H name wasnt on the birth certificate.(I know this is the furthest thing from ur mind right now).I believe a dad is the person who is there when your child is happy, sad, ill, lost etc etc and that doesnt need to be the birth father.That said you would be holding your head and doing the right thing to have her 'biological' dad on her birth certificate.Not sure what I would do....
ME 44 H 45 D 14 D 20 M 22 YEARS TOGETHER 28YEARS Bomb Drop 14th July 09 Seperated-living with OW 10mths(14/07/09) MLC 3years
Silence wasn't golden in this marriage; it was deadly," Dr. Robin L. Smith
Hugs! Please PLease Please treat yourself to something special today! A manicure, an ice cream sunday, a new book, a walk in the park... something nurturing, something positive, something wonderful just for YOU! Because Darn it! You deserve it!
I am still hoping your H will have a change of heart when the baby is born... I can still wish right? did you ask if he would stay until the baby is born? Did you ask him for help? Ask that he meet his baby and take part in her life? I know its hard, but did you tell him his child needs him? H may be so selfish that he may not see past himself right now...
Dont know if this helpds but I grew up with a mom and a dad... my mom is my world!!!! My dad was a crappy dad and left a few years ago... and guess what! I realized all I ever had and all I ever needed was my mom. Even now, she is the only constant in my life. as for our H's, whether they were raised w or w/o fathers can turn out to be crappy H's and Dads. My H was raised by two amazing people, had the absolute best dad in the world... they are still close, and cant imagine why my H is acting this way when he always wanted a relationship with his son like he had with his dad. So i guess it doesnt really matter... Bad People Suck!
I dont understand why your H would want your baby to carry his surname if he doesnt plan to be around in his life? Hate that he told you to get a step dad! EWWWW!!!! I threw that in my H's face once in an argument and he got so angry with me! DOESNT YOUR H SEE THAT HE IN FACT ISSSSSSS THE FATHER!!! If us women were supposed to raise babies and children on our own then we WOULDNT need men to get us PREGNANT!!! We would be able to do it ourselves!!! HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why dont they get this!
Im not sure I agree with everyone in saying if they are not going to be consistent fathers, then push them out. How do you know if he could change? Give him a chance to F^%$# up then kick him to the curb! I would rather tell my child I tried than I assumed... I dont know... perhaps your C could have better recommendations.
Who defines the level of fathering? The rules and the priorities?
Oh, I wanted to second BD's point that it was really crappy of him to suggest you get a stepdad. If your daughter did ever have a stepdad someday (and if so, he'd be the love of your life!), rest assured your WAH would be at least a little jealous of that guy and would regret bringing it up so flippantly.
sorry if I offended you, didnt mean that fathers dont count... by all means I am fighting for my life to get the father of my child back into our lives! All I am saying is that given the life path that Piano doesnt have H around to be a father figure, doesnt mean the child will not be raised to its highest potential. Actually, it doesnt matter if its a mother or father or step parents or even grandparents... children ONLY need love. Constant Love. Some children are raised by complete strangers and are loved and well rounded and have great attributes. And if P's H doesnt want to be a positive role... well unfortunatley for H, it doesnt have to define the child's life in a negative manner. Same stands true for WAW's and so on.
I dont know who sets the standard for fathers... or even mothers... nor what the standard is. I do know one thing... to be a parent or a parental role in a child's life means one thing and one thing only... to sacrifice one self for the well being of a child and to love him/her unconditionally and constantly. truly P's H is being tremendously selfish and not acting like he wants to be involved. I still cant get over the fact that he told P to get a step dad!!!
Piano, hope i didnt upset you... I hope your H was just in a bad mood when he made those comments to you. Like I said in the earlier post... hoping when the baby is born, he thinks twice about moving to Europe.
DLS, I think a dad's standard is to show up and be regularly involved. If it means every other weekend as set up through custody, then he should be there every other weekend. (as well as go to baseball games, or plays, conferences, and other events in his child's life.) Also dads should spend time doing what their kids like to do (just as moms should!) That's it.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Hi, warmed my heart to read you all, thanks for dropping in.
Yeah, have been feeling low. Sick with a cold, sick with the news the A is still going on, and finding it near impossible to GAL at 37 weeks pregnant. NM, I remember you talking to me about this last stage in your very early posts to me, and now I am there I agree tototally that you cannot do this last part alone. Walking, standing - it's all tiring. I am sleeping a heck of a lot.
But pushed myself to go out this morning and meet some friends, including my old friend who is housing WAH. I've been uncomfortable with him being in their home for 4-5 months now, and felt they might be coddling him. But he and his wife think that having WAH with them keeps him from leaving for Europe and they hope to help him forge a connection with the baby when she comes. They are no longer fighting for my M. They are only fighting for his relationship with the child. I always get a sting in my heart when I hear this. I realise I still have hope and that hope hurts and that hope is really dragging me down now.
WAH has said to them he would like to attend the birth. I asked him many times between Dec (bomb) and March if he would attend and he said no, or he wasn't sure, or said nothing. Very early on he refused all participation in chosing a midwife, attending birth classes, etc. So I never asked again. And he's never brought it up. They say he is waiting for my lead. But I knew that already - it's sort of obvious it is my call and my call only. But I wanted to know if it was something that frightened him. Apparently not.
I took myself off to the Mother and Baby unit at my maternity hospital to talk with a psych there on Friday. They also said, like you guys have said, that actually the father doesn't need to be present at the birth for bonding purposes. The baby only needs one attachment figure in the first months/year and that's the mother.
NM, I now fully understand why you couldn't give up hope that once WAH met your son, he'd come back. I think the human mind and heart are wired so that a woman cannot detach from their male mate around the time of the birth of their baby....
I think WAH told me it would be good for me to find a stepfather fast because he is doing everything to make me see he is not coming back. And because he is still been driven by something inside him (fear, the A, who knows) to bugger off back to Europe.
What is a father? A father is not the name on the birth certificate. A father is someone who is there, is a constant, is a role model, is there to pick the kids up from school, cuddle them when they cry, take them to the doctors, attend to their needs.
1. H in PA walks out on M overnight, no debate 2. Happens during planned pregnancy (fert treatment and all) 3. Says he is going back overseas to live & I'll be raising the child (alternatively, if i don't want to raise it, he takes the child overseas and raises it himself. yep he said that!!!).
Is offering: 1. financial support for child 2. names for child 3. to meet the baby and be around for first days/week, but thereafter a big ?
Sorry you're feeling low. I wish I could see how preggers you look!
It is hard to hear that people who were rooting for your M (or helping you fight) have lost hope. It has happened over here, too. But they really don't understand what's happening. They're taking what WAH says at face-value. They haven't researched WAS, MLC, A and all that stuff that we have. They haven't heard all types of stories. It's no wonder that they lost hope. I still have hope for your sitch, P. (I said this at NM's thread, and I mean it for you two and me and BD!)
Why: Because of everything you explained in your trifector. It is not normal for a sane, genuine person to do that. And if there's hope that your WAH will understand himself some day, then there's hope that he will realize what he lost and want it back. It may just be a really really long time, and you may have moved on.
So I'm sorry that hope is dragging you down, but maybe if you put hope in a bigger timeframe, then it will give you peace.
It sounds like he's not leaving for Europe until after the birth. That would be good. At first I thought he was leaving, like next week or something. So are you thinking of letting him in the room? Or encouraging him to be at the hospital in the waiting room? Or just telling him to show up the next day?
I don't think many people ever gave my marriage hope; they were just being nice to me (based on the reactions I got from the latest D bomb). It doesn't matter what they think- it is your life and I realize you may feel the friends know something from H that you don't know. Still, they can't predict the future.
This is the loneliest road you will ever travel, Piano.
About GAL right now- don't feel like you SHOULD be doing anything! I think BD had some simple ideas that you could handle like eating an ice cream sundae or going for a walk. I let myself sleep, went to movies, read baby books, watched junk TV, and I ate a lot of ice cream! Oh- I also got fresh flowers every few days and really really enjoyed looking at them. And rearranging the baby stuff from my shower or decorating the nursery was fun, too.
About H being at your birth- my H and my mom were there. I am grateful that S will have one picture of the 2 of us with him- it was the only one. H and I are next to each other holding the baby. H was very attentive and helpful during labor and I didn't hate him at that time. I think it was because I had hope still. He even kissed my head, held my hand, cried at appropriate times, took over the nurse's job while she coached me through pushing, and for weeks afterward would tell me how amazing I was to give birth. But he didn't come back to me. I don't regret him being there though.
Let's see- if your H shows up and the sight of him makes you feel worse, then you can send him out to the waiting room. Or tell him to f off and see the baby later! You can just tell him that you will let him know when you go into labor and he can show up but you will need to play it by ear as to whether he stays or not.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
G people say I look very 'neat' in my preggers state, but got that waddle going now :-) They say you should hang out with people who support your M - I could count them on one hand now, but that's enough. And you're right, the others know nothing about the detail. They didn't live your marriage, they weren't on the inside and they are not educated in all those things you mention (WAS, MLC, A).
Thankyou for seeing the trifector the way I see it. It's just not possible for a "well" person to do all those things. Unless I was a raging lunatic and he was doing it for his own personal safety. But that was not us (and we were faaaar from perfect too!). We were great friends. Even my friend housing WAH who keeps insisting over and over that H is rational, not mad, concedes it's over the top. But I think that fact is drowned out by for too long having taken H at face value, and actually not knowing him deeply.
No there is no time frame on his leaving... he doesn't even know..but we think he is here for at least 4 to find months..i put it to the end of the year. If he doesn't find work, it'll be sooner rather than later I guess.
Not sure what do to about the birth day.
NM, I really like your suggestion... calling him when in labour, and then having the option to let him in (at whatever stage feels right) and telling him to f*** off otherwise. My mother will be there too, as will be my indie midwife.
I am scared of having that moment together when I pass the child to him and see his reaction and emotions... I suspect it could hurt like hell.
And yet missing that moment could turn out to be one of the biggest regrets of my life cos it only happens once.
Thanks for the pampering tips - tomorrow it's lunch with BIL and my parents, but I might take myself for a nice stroll in the morning if it's not raining.
