My DB coach suggested that i give her space since we were still sleeping in the same bed and living under the same roof. I totally did the opposite. I followed her around, begged, pleaded, etc. So much so that she has moved out. I know that its stressful on her with 3 small kids but she says that the reason she moved was to hopefully get feelings that she once had for me again and to work on herself/ clear her mind. Do you think that she in sincere in this or is it away to be with OM?
actually I would leave the conversation with this little tidbit, "we need to get together to discuss actual custody arrangements going forward, you have decided to move the kids to your apartment without my permission or approval or discussion, we need to discuss an actual schedule that is fair with me and you, I will want shared custody of my children, that's means I want them at least 50% of the time and I want a set schedule so that I know when I have them so that I don't have to drop my life whenever you need a break from having the kids, we'll share them 50/50, you'll know when you have them and you can plan to go out when you don't have them as will I."
And don't budge on this, if she mentions lawyers and other such crap, tell her that you expected this and look forward to those negotiations.
You see, this is counter intuitive, she would expect you to be afraid of all of this, you have to always appear to be happy, awesome, super and that life is great and that her leaving you is HER LOSS. NOT the other way around.
My DB coach suggested that i give her space since we were still sleeping in the same bed and living under the same roof. I totally did the opposite. I followed her around, begged, pleaded, etc. So much so that she has moved out. I know that its stressful on her with 3 small kids but she says that the reason she moved was to hopefully get feelings that she once had for me again and to work on herself/ clear her mind. Do you think that she in sincere in this or is it away to be with OM?
NO she isn't sincere, she now has a place to bring the OM when you have the kids at your place, the DB coach should know better about this. A WAS wouldn't need a different place to live if they were going back to school to improve their education, if they were trying to improve their job so why would the WAS require a different home to improve their marriage?
I agree that you being needy, insecure, wussy like killed the attraction, you now have to appear the opposite with her and that will be hard for you because it sounds like you're whipped.
when you tell your wife you have plans and she invariably asks "where are you going?"
- tell her it's really none of her business, yes it will take alot of guts especially from you to say this to her,
remember, she chose to move out of the home and now you are starting to question your feelings about her and the idea of marriage, you don't want to be married to a flake that flip flops back & forth over their marital commitment - you would rather be with someone who WANTS to be with you and if she doesn't want to be with you, she needs to stay where she is.
What is so crazy about this is the kids do not have a place to sleep at our home. She took their beds to her place and I really only pick the kids up from school and she picks them up. They are really with her 24/7 besides when she is at work of course and she has used a great deal of time from work moving. She really does not have much time off besides the weekends in which the kids are there. How can she think that she would have time to clear her head with 3 kids (ages 2, 5, and 9)! I Know for sure that she told our Pastor that she made a mistake rushing to move out of our house without thinking everything through.
And what about YOU? What are you doing to GAL? You do know you can have a life without her, right? And that in no way commits you to a D - to actually be You and Live without her. So your children don't have beds in your home? Dude - fix that. Make that dream home YOUR HOME. When I left my H and our DREAM HOME, he planted flowers in the flower beds and moved his drum set into the middle of our beautiful living room. He made the space I left ...HIS. Rattled my cage! Think about that!
Tell her that you will have your children at least 50% of the time. Period. Propose a schedule. Ask for her to agree to it. If she will not, hire a legal gun to hash it out in the court. You should have a lawyer anyway. Your W is dissolving your M a little at a time - why are you letting her have this head start. Take control of this.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
At one time I thought that she was involved in a PA/ or EA since she began hiding her phone. However, she has the kids so much that she does not seem to have time for anything unless it’s in the middle of the night. We went to church together on yesterday and out to eat. We both still wear our wedding rings and discussed our commitment to each other in length before she actually moved out. She seems to think that the distance will change her feelings about me. The kids have really been giving her h3ll about moving out. According to my son, when he asks about going back home she says that we are working through our differences and getting the help that we need to be together again. She has started counseling with the pastor of our church. Sometimes I get mixed signals about what she says. However, last night when she left our home I didn’t give her a call at all and I received a text from her saying that she had finally got all the kids in bed and she was just relaxing drinking a glass of wine. She has not done that in weeks. Good sign or bad one sign, I don't know?
Any vets out there who has had a situation such as this where as the wife has moved out and says she wants distance to make her have stronger feelings for me w/ 3 kids? Not to mention wants to stay committed and continue to wear our rings and go to church together? my wife has said in the past that I am not a mean person, I'm just not nice to her? I'm confused!
When she sends an email telling you she finally got the kids in bed, don't answer it. After all, why should she be sending something like that except to pull you into a "discussion" and you want to avoid doing that.
Just ignore those types of emails or TM. If it sounds very important, wait a little while before you respond.....b/c you don't want to appear to be sitting on top of your phone/computer looking to see if she is going to contact you. You are a man who is building a life without her.
Do what Greek said, and believe me....your W will notice! Begin to pull away and get out of that house and GAL. Act up-beat and confident. Be that man she fell in love with...only better. Don't put all of your attention on her....put it on you and the kids. Make a bedroom for the kids and include them in how they want to fix it up....regardless of how it may look, b/c they will love it and want to be there.
BTW, I suspect your W wants you to attend Church with her and the kids so nobody will know what is really going on. It's a cover-up job.
Last edited by sandi2; 04/28/1009:43 AM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
