Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Deep, dark, ugly thoughts that I don't want

No I defnitely believe that hubby is not using porn now and I really do not have an issue with that. I think it did alter some realities though and was a good substitute for me...

I think I know why you had that time of not wanting sex.

In the book I mentioned, it did say that once you transition to unconditional love (which involves detachment), the romantic love will fade--and I know in my sitch it has. I "see" my H SO differently than I did before--and I am technically not really attracted to him. I love him but...it's different. But if piecing means letting go of detachment--I may be in trouble. I don't want to go back! Now when he is verbally abusive I can look at him in almost a pitying way. I have some scripts now that I use, I detach from the situation, go out and self-sooth, and come back in a great mood! He isn't able to suck me into his drama, and it's been challenging, but it's working!


Another side of detachment that I love is how I can be so much free-er. I am not worried what he thinks or says (he is SO NEGATIVE)--and I am having a good time finding out who I am without any worries about what he says/thinks. I have been flirty (a complete 180 for me--I have been SO STUPID in this area!! Men LOVE a flirt!!) I have been thanking him for things--again--I have no "expectations"--just the priceless look of confusion on his face is ALL I am looking for!

I KNOW that this is putting me in a positive mood--my PMA has NEVER been so good. Who AM I?? What ELSE can I do???lol. My husband doesn't have a clue. But he is curious. He notices things. He is paying more attention to what I've been doing. I feel the cycle going up, not down.

You are more in control of this than you can begin to realize. I tell you what, I lurk a LOT over in the Infedelity section and there is SO MUCH to learn over there. They are the experts at detachment and all the rest. But the book I mentioned is also fabulous--how to effectively have a conversation with a man is SO different and counter-intuitive to what you and I know. But again--WE crave more from them, so it's up to us to figure it out.

Oh, and one last thing--what you need from them, if it's not something they just "know", has to be lovingly taught. If you want to be satisfied in the bedroom every time, you need to gently say it. And you will have to say it probably 10 times before he "gets it". Once is NEVER enough--2 or 3 times is never enough. 5 is probably the bare minimum and I just figure I need to say it at least 10 times. And of course don't say it when you are ML--say it elsewhere. And detach so that if he has a grumble about it you won't really notice and take it personally. They WILL grumble too--that's another thing. Just KEEP DOING IT.

Be lovingly persistent.

LOL, yes, we sure do love a good flirt.

And yes, communicating your desires effectively is key. Trying to get (x)W to work a little more calmly on that. Usually with her, she ends up going over the deep end after it's been bottled up for so long and she goes completely insane on me.

Well, I did it. I reverted back to my old bitchy self. I have been so good for so long- bitchy me made a rare appearance and my old familar hubby was back- stonewalling, spinning, trying to turn it back on me. And somewhere in the mist of this- I realized what a complete @ss I am being. As if this has ever worked. Direct confrontation with an attitude. He was upset, I was upset. But he still is a changed man. The old hubby would have stormed off to the bedroom and stewed for days. He waited up for me so we could have our time. Unfortunately, my youngest fought sleep till 11pm so no fun time for us. In the past I would have continued too hard on him and even throw out some putdowns. Instead the new me apologized and gave him a big hug and guess what- he huged back really hard. Then I poured out how much I miss him and how difficult the kids are and how life is not what I want right now. I can't even GAL b/c my younger son gets sick so much I have to cancel more than attend events. He expressed the same sentiments. I do believe him- why do I still get so hurt sometimes.

So, no more quickies, sexual favors, nada for him anymore EVER! I stated that b4 but I always that I was the super cool wife for doing that. My theory has been the more I give him- it should increase my frequency correct? Wrong. So- now that he doesn't use porn if there has been a long stretch without- he actually is feeling the draught too. For so long I felt I was the only one gyped in that area.


Laura, thanks so much for the feedback. Yes, I have drilled it into my hubby about what I want and expect in the bedroom- Our MC was both an MC and sex therapist but we never ever once had the chance to talk about sex b4 my hubby quit and decided he had had enough. I certainly have made it hard for him also. I mean here I am with lots of experience and he has almost none (his choice, girls hit on him for years- they just were never good looking enough for him-nuts, right). At one point I actually had him nervous to have sex with me. I get that I can be really intimidating.

Dday- thanks! Ironically, H has thought I am being too aggressive and I have to step it back a bit b/c it just adds to his stress. So I am gong to restrain myself-lol.


So on to me. I see my shortcomings. I am quick to anger, I am so much better now at setting myself straight but darn it. This rare occassion I didn't explode, but I defnitely handled things wrong. I have to remind myself to not be so selfish and think about how he feels. He is having a hard time in life too and is actually way more stressed out than I am. I just need to....calm myself down and not be so impulsive and not allow negative thoughts to win in my mind.

I am reading a new book called- "women are crazy and men are stupid"- fits my mood perfectly. It's written by two comedians and I am totally enjoying it.

Course correcting- getting back on track....better day today. *stress releasing exhale*

WOW! This is exactly to a T what happened with my (x)W last night.

Dday you know in our area there was a full moon last night lol!

As a matter of fact yes, it was just rising over the trees when (x)W started in on me and I wanted to comment on it, however it would have been a synical and presumably damaging comment and very 'old me', sooooo...............

Did the same thing today. Told him on the phone after making some bitchy comments, when he asked "what has he done?" that he has "done so much that I blame him for nearly everything"...

He said he didnt have to take this and I said "fine lets stop this call now". And we did.

Sometimes I just dont care. I want to be mad at him and dont give a sh!t...
K

Too, too funny!!!

Darn it Kalni,
If you want to mad at him you have every right to be. Someone does not get to do all that he did and then expect you to be all perky and nice. He had to deal with the aftermath of his nonsense and if his wife happens to have an off day. He should suck it up.
He is due a little brow beating now and then....

I know others would say- try to behave honorably and don't let emotions get the best of you. But you know what- anger is going to be there for a while and venting anger at him is ok in my mind.

For so long you had to take cr@p and and sit on it. It's no wonder your head didn't explode.

He now has got to learn the water on a duck's back analogy. And realize what triggers are and how the betrayed spouse has to live with the trauma of it all.

You know what he should be thinking every minute of every second of every day.....
He is D@MN lucky you allowed him back.

And if he doesn't get that. If he doesn't realize how lucky he is...then he is a moron.

Sorry- you hubby get's me going....I feel my heart beat go up when I read your posts some times.


Totally off topic- how is your hubby's english? I know Retroville is not an option but I found this online weekend couple's class. I read about it somewhere in an article on this site and googled it. I can look for it again this week (super busy now). I keep meaning to start a thread about it. Thought maybe it would be of interest....