I have decided PIB has a great idea and I am going to borrow a page out of her book.
So on this thread I am going to post my positives with David. That way he can see them and you guys can see how sweet he is being and it makes me feel good to read them! I would send them as emails but neither of our emails has been too reliable lately.
Positives for Saturday:
He called and checked on house gas smell even feeling as lousy as he did.
Called later in the day to let me know he was feeling better as he knew I had said I was concerned about him
Positives for Sunday:
Came over even having been so sick to check on smell and fix microwave!
Stayed and chatted for a bit even though barely being able to keep eyes open.
Waited on me to make out check to get bill paid.
Called when almost back to sisters so I knew he made it all right as he was looking pretty out of it when he left the house.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Often times, there has to be some "rules of engagement".
One such rule could be that you set aside a specific block of time for your "talk", say like an hour. The first half hour is totally hers. She gets to say whatever she wants during that time, and YOU CAN'T say a word. No interuptions, no comments from you, nothing. You just let her keep talking, even if there are extended times of dead silence.
When the half-hour is over, she has to stop, and save the rest for the next time.
Then, it's your turn to talk. Same rules, she can't talk at all during "your time".
This helps for the both of you to be able to get out what you want to say, and stop the volley of any "back and forth", "attack and defend" responses. You're spending time listening to each other better, because you're not thinking so hard about what you're going to say next.
There's lots of other benefits to this that you'll see once you've done it.
Then, a very important part of this, is to make sure that you spend an hour afterwards "doing something soothing" with each other. An "activity" together, not just something like watching a movie where you have too much time to think, but an "action-oriented" thing. Something to help create a safety-zone for future talks like this.
Schedule out at least 4 of these sessions, and really commit to them, make them a priority. These will be the times for your relationship talks, and ONLY these times. Both agree to HALT any R talks between these sessions.
Maybe come up with a "code-word" for either of you to say when your everyday talks are going places that you don't want to go right now. That you agree to talk about it, but only during your "sessions".
I'm not much of a gambling man anymore, but I'd be willing to wager you'll see some difference after just the first one of these, and might find the conversations head in a different direction after that.
Just something to think about. Something "different" to try!
Hey JJ any more thoughts on whether this is workable for CHL?
Just wondered as I do think it sounds like a good idea.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
You know, Pam, some men actually need quiet spells of doing nothing with no conversation. My H can be an expert in that, especially in really long car trips, or relaxed Sunday afternoons.
I somehow got trained since childhood into keeping a soft flow of conversation, as if silence were bad. At first when we were dating I tried, but after a while it went nowhere. So now when we go on a trip we just watch the landscape and think our own thoughts. And, guess what?, when one of us actually talks it is usually to say the same thing the other is thinking (no mind reading involved). Our train of thoughts run parallel!
So our car trips are our mini-mental vacations.
Do you think David might appreciate, say sitting on the porch with a cool glass of whatever, just gazing out and not 'having' to say or even think anything? The poor guy is out there working and doing stuff all the time. He might like the change...
Just a suggestion of course. It occurred to me when you mentioned he came by but was not very talkative. Reminded me of my H... He likes the sound of silence... especially if he is not feeling quite up to par.
Of course I may be totally off base here...
I liked JJ's idea of the dedicated but restricted-timewise meetings.
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
He probably likes the sound of silence when he gets it!
But he actually isn't out there working and doing stuff all the time!
He usually when he comes over is sitting somewhere, either the floor, a chair or the sofa.
Fixing the microwave last night consisted of pushing a lever to off that I had accidentally turned on.
He wasn't very talkative last night I don't think as he was so tired. So I just let him sit and rest a bit before he headed back out.
We chatted a bit and I really appreciated that he made the effort to come over as tired and sick as he was last night. I was missing the microwave!!!!!!!!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Shared that he was really tired and still not feeling well, not that those are good things, but that he shared them with me
Said thank you when I shared I had ordered another copy of DR so that he could keep the one he has now
When I shared about Sage's new thread he said it would be easier for him to take a look at it if I linked it here, so he is going to probably check it out!
Before the end of the day he asked about coming over for dinner
He came over for dinner
He brought dog food before I ran out!!
He didn't feel well but we just chatted and shared some of what was going on with us, just normal catch up stuff, nice relaxing visit other than he is still sick
He said he might call the doctor today
For Me:
I got a lull in the hard rain to potty the shelties and feed the cats in before going to work
Leaning towards not but did my exercise video anyway
Did get time to meditate before going to work
I remembered to take my medication last night, I really don't think I took it Tuesday night
Shared with my boss I thought stress and the weather was what was making him tired and bringing him down. The night before he had said what is wrong with me I have always been the glass is half full and now it is half empty. So he was more himself yesterday and we joked some like we used too.
Have some wonderful friends on the bb who probably sometimes just want to smack me. But instead keep throwing logic and good ideas at me and showing me they care about me!!!!!
Guy called and got my trees that died replaced yesterday. I was hoping the new ones would be in before winter so they could settle in a bit before next summer
Lit some of my candles last night and they smelled so good. I really do enjoy them and need to remember to light them more often
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
