Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Possible EA - Need Advice

Good deal. I would strongly advise you to have at least ONE method of intel in place that he does NOT know about.

"Quality-control" and all that rot.

Puppy

So - I was giving my H the benefit of the doubt. There had been no questionable activity on his part so I was hoping my ultimatum worked. But, last night before bed I checked our cell bill and I can see that she sent him a text message yesterday. There was no return. I checked his phone for it today - deleted! And, it ocurred while I was at the mall. So, he could have received her text, deleted it, talked to her through BB messenger, deleted the conversation, etc. The point is I won't ever know for sure what that text said and what he did about it . .. 4 days later and we don't have transparancy. What should I do?

I'd recommend, before you do ANYTHING, to decide what your # of "strikes" is going to be as you go thru this. I always try to get people to do this AHEAD of time, before any re-contact happens, so that they're "calm, cool and collected," as they say, but you don't have time for that now.

Decide if you're willing to accept:

- ONE strike, so long as he self-confesses it?

- ONE strike, so long as he answers you truthfully if you confront him about it?

- TWO strikes?

- ZERO?

- something other??

Then, once you decide what you are willing to accept or not, re-confront him and ask him "Has she tried to contact you at all since Saturday?" -- and see what he says.

Does he know you can monitor the text messaging?

Puppy

First- AWESOME JOB!!!!! Second, I didn't see anything about if she contacts him on your list.
I would want my H to tell me every time that OW attempted to contact (because the OP will fish, believe me). I would explain that I expect that she will contact him and I won't hold it against him so to speak if he tells me every time.

Then leave the message so I can check it if I want.

Now also think about the fact that he is terrified now that you will follow through on the steps. he doesn't want to mess up!

You can even talk to him about a plan-develop one together-for how to respond if she contacts him. That way you are still in charge but also he has to do some of this problem solving work too- it shouldn't be ALL your responsibility!!!

Hi Puppy and Newmama.
This AM I confronted my husband about the text from her. He tried to act confused until I pulled the "I've seen the phone records" card - then he said she texted him about why he was ignoring her. He said he deleted it and that was it. I hadn't laid out what he was to do if she contacted him (thanks for the advice, newmama - I hadn't thought of that), so I let him off the hook. I clearly told him DO NOT DELETE ANYTHING . . . and so if there is another deleted anything, that will count as a backslide.
Puppy - I didn't count this as a strike for him because I wasn't clear on this issue. But, if it happens again, it's a strike and I expose.
I wonder what else I wasn't clear on. At some point, if I need to be any more clear that just signals that there is an ongoing/continuing problem.
I am proud of some new intel methods I discovered. He talks at work on GMAIL chat and one of my biggest issues is that I haven't been able to track his chat. But after signing up for an account myself and learning the software, I've realized it can track the chat conversations. Of course my H knows this too and has set his privacy settings at "do not track" but I just got into his account and changed that. I bet it will be awhile before he catches that. I also, through trial and error, found out that I can log into his gmail while he's logged into the gmail chat and it doesn't affect his usage. I was afraid it would kick him out, but no. So I can check it mid-day from work. Fabulous! My plan is to copy and save anything between him and her and not reveal my intel unless I have something very incriminating. I'm going to try to make myself sit on any contact between him and her for at least a week before EXPOSING. That way, I have the largest chance of gathering intel he can't talk his way around.
I hate to say it, but my gut says that I'm going to find conversations between him and her. My sister would say that in thinking this, I'm willing the universe to make this happen (She's read the secret). But, I just think I'm reading the signs of his behavior.
Thanks, everyone, for your ongoing support.

Melody,

good job, but I would have preferred that you first ASK him -- "Did she contact you?" -- to see if he tells you the truth. That's what I had recommended. It sounds like you just went in, guns a-blazing, and accused him of the contact. Or am I misunderstanding this?

I don't think there's ANYTHING wrong with intel -- you're merely protecting yourself! But I do think you need to give your husband the benefit of the doubt, so to speak, and SEE if he will "come clean" with you when there is contact.

"Trust . . . but verify."

Puppy

Well, I gloated too quickly. I didn't even take my H 4 hours to figure out I'd changed his tracking status on Gmail. How do I know he knew? Well, he forgot to delete the history that showed him clicking through his settings, etc. in GMAIL. Unfortunately, the history also showed a chat between him/her that ocurred at 12:19 am last night. And of course, despite an agreement THE DAY BEFORE not to delete anything from her, he did delete it. The history even showed him trashing the message.

I drove to his place of bizness unannounced and asked him to meet up for a conversation. As pup suggested, I gave him the chance to come clean . . . after himming and hawing for about 5 minutes, he finally spit out that he'd been GMAIL chatting with her . . . but only to help her understand why he'd been cutting it off. And I guess my wanting him not to delete said messages is an invasion of his privacy, according to him. The only reason I feel dirty about allowing him a chance to be honest is that I had to act on an earlier threat to not allow him home - otherwise it was an empty threat. I gave him a chance to redeem himself, though, by deleting her from both messenger programs so that he only spoke to her through transparent medium, and he said no. Said I was crazy. He chose to not come home instead . . .

So, on the way home from his work I called his mom and exposed. I did it as suggested, by being calm and explaining that I love Paul and our family and I'm hoping she can help encourage him to do the right thing. She was supportive and said she's sorry I'm going through this. I also called a mutual friend of our and got the same result.

My one worry is that perhaps this was just a friendship and my husband made all the wrong decisions. After all, I have no conclusive proof of his emotional feelings for her OR any physical contact. I'm just going on the amount of contact, the lies, the covering up, deleted messages, etc . . . oh and his clinging to this "friendship" at the constant expense of his family.

So, going forward, I'm not sure what to do. I think it goes something like "GAL," "don't initiate contact," etc. In that respect, I'd like advice for how to negotiate this when we have a 4 year old child together. He makes it clear that he loves her tremendously and I'm sure it's only a matter of time before I have to deal with him in regards to her. The other thing is that of course it's hard to GAL when you've got a small child and not much help or money to hire help. Suggestions there are appreciated.

Also, wondering about exposure and whether or not I should contact her or her boyfriend. My gut tells me that her boyfriend and she are possibly on the outs, but there is no confirmation. Of course if either of them (OW or OW's boyfriend)think this is truly just a friendship then I could make myself look like an ass to them. And, they're both coworkers to my H so that might make a possible reconciliation with him tough.

Help, please! Thanks

Melody--IT WAS MORE than a friendship! Your H barely protested when you confronted him, correct? Admission of guilt...but you have your gut, and you had plenty of evidence that also lines up with EAs. Meaning everyone else whose spouse had an EA share 95% commonalities- excessive time on phone, internet, spending more time with the OP than you, and they worked together...




Wait-what do you mean only a matter of time before you have to deal with him in regard to your daughter?

Here are some suggestions for next steps- go to marriagebuilders.com and read all about how to recover from an affair. Print out the free emotional needs questionnaire. You and your H both complete it. Read other stuff on that site-Dr. Harley is an expert in infidelity (EAs and PAs). Allen and Puppy have other resources I think.



I don't see the rush to expose to her boyfriend...but others may disagree here. How about if she continues contacting your H you expose-think about this one for awhile though since it has to do with work and if she is on the outs with him, what is the point? Maybe now that your H has ended things with her, she might want to pick things back up with her boyfriend. Wait and see, I think.

About GAL and don't initiate contact--not so sure. Don't listen to me entirely but it seems to make sense to work on the marriage together...get family therapy...will he agree to it? But I read on marriagebuilders that the wayward spouses go through withdrawal and get depressed for 3-6 weeks after. Dr. Harley says there isn't much you can accomplish during the withdrawal period....just food for thought.

Hi New Mama -
Not sure how to pull quotes from your comments, so let me try to answer your questions in order.

1. "It's only a matter of time before I have to deal with him in regards to my daughter." Well, my daughter has a ballet recital this Friday - I can't see him missing that. To complicate things, grandparents on both sides have been invited (and all know the sitch). If he's still "kicked out" at that point, what do I do? Just act normal and cordial but not initiate conversation? What do I say to him when he calls wanting to pick up D?

2. I don't know for sure that that my H and she are on the outs. He says they are, but it's entirely possible, given his continued contact with her, that he's just decided to take it underground to things I can't track. When he lies or is dishonest about his contact with her, how can I beleive what he says about the status of their relationship. I agree that it's a big decision to expose to anyone he works with - which is why I have sought advice here before acting. If he had left those CONVOS open for me to see, I would have known for sure that he was discussing "ending it" with her. For all I know, they were discussing plans for tonight (he had plans to work late - when I arrived to office tonight, he was at the office, but parked right next to her. So she was there too . . . working late. And again, not that it's uncommon for accountants to work late, but still).

3. Family therapy: We already had 5 sessions with a MC leading up to this - the last one was 2 weeks ago. At one point, he agree that he would end the relationship with her if our MC verified that it was inappropriate. When that happened, my H deflected MC's judgment and instead went on a "well . . . he's so old and traditional, of course he thinkgs that.. ." kick. He also tried post-MC to deflect the conversations about OW to "it's not an OW issue, it's an us issue." He said things like he just doesn't think we're compatible, maybe I can't be happy with a guy who has his career, etc. Nevermind that we dated for 4 years before being married and have been married for 5 (he's bucking responsibility, not me - we got along fine when it was all fun and games).

Anyway, thanks for your support, ear, and advice. I really appreciate this forum. It's helping me not to lose my mind.

oops- did you say your H is not at home? I am sorry- must have missed that- you kicked him out?

Please go on to the other site I suggested as well!MWD doesn't specialize in infidelity like Dr. Harley.

Ok sorry about the MC appointments- at that time he was still in the EA so of course he was defensive. But maybe after this clears a little you can try again.