Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers what to believe?

sorry to ask Puppy but does fogged oout mean? By going dark that lets him know that I am going to be fine no matter what?

I think you need to go with everybody's advice here and give yourself a break from worrying about how everything is going to turn out.

You can't control anybody but yourself, so by all means control yourself. Don't be angry, don't try to figure anybody else out, and above all don't do anything with the intent of manipulating anybody else to get the result you want. Just don't worry about it for a while (give yourself a day off). After that focus your attention elswhere unless he reaches out to you, and if that happens, just try to listen without arguing or reasoning.

"Fogged out" means being influenced by the chemically-induced rush of an affair.

"Going dark" means not communicatin with him unless it's about your boys.

Have you read "DivorceBusting" or "Divorce Remedy" yet, Katie?

Puppy

yes I have read I believe divorce busting. So he is having an affair and is infatuated with that person? He has told me over and over that he isn't and tells me what reason would he have to lie now since we are getting divorced?

People in affairs lie appr. 95-100% of the time, in my experience. Deciding to get a divorce or a separation seems to have no bearing on the rate of deceit, interestingly, and even the exposure of the affair often doesn't slow the rate of lying.

His TELLING you that he isn't means nothing. (WORDS)

His locking his phone, taking it with him into the bathroom, etc., means everything. (ACTIONS, BEHAVIOR)

Puppy

how then do you get them to leave the affair? Going dark and 180's correct? I feel so dumb asking again it's like I lose sight of things.

Right. But this is the same man who lost it when he found out you'd texted his "friend."

Don't believe his words, honey.

You don't. You tell him what YOU are willing to live with, and not live with.

You cannot tell another adult what they can do. All you can do is tell him what YOU will do: "I will not live in an open marriage."

But you must mean it. Trust me, once he knows that he's crossed that line with you, and that you're SERIOUS about it, he will change dramatically.

Puppy

but how do I confront him when he denies having an affair and just gets upset that I keep askiing him?

Stop asking him. All cheaters lie.

The night I confronted my H about his A (and I had gathered proof over a few weeks), he still said she was just a friend.

Re-read some of the advice you have already received and look at other threads too.