Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers 5 weeks left to DB - need help with my plan

Thanks JacT. No- we'll never fully know. And these blokes sure are good at compartmentalising. I am waiting for the break...but the break doesn't mean they come back

I realise I am still going all over the place.

I agreed to see him, I communicate, act all cool, (even though I keep up the protest and certain boundaries)

Then in the next breath, I'm telling him to HIKE IT cos he's a danger to my health?

That's contradictory right?

Cos I see my detached-ness has NO effect on him whatsoever.

The problem is my expectations...
I realise I am not detached...
I am acting from EMOTION....
I have stopped DBing for me, i'm doing it for him.

Hey P. . .

Sorry about how cold and distant WAH is being with you. To me, it was actually a comfort because it was evidence that he was still wildly out of mind and character. Or compensating for severe insecurity. It gets worse when he gets friendly but his message stays the same. Then you know things are getting 'permanent.'

These WAHs don't know what they're doing at all. Their choices are so unhealthy, unstable, ridiculous. . . it's just best to stay far away. That's how NC is for you-- everything you're about now is the opposite of him: healthy, stable, wise. If he gets to a place where he wants to join you, okay. But until then, you don't need the DRAMA QUEEN! (Going back to Allen A!)

I'm surprised he wants the baby to carry his name. What are your thoughts on that?

I'm also sorry his family in Europe have been so silent. They're probably ashamed, too. Who knows what they're thinking. Are you close enough to them to want their support?

Good luck with darkness and no expectations.

Piano,

just read your posts... sorry you are feeling here and there and everywhere...

I know we are supposed to have NC and 'fake it' and do 180s but your email to him was all heart. Dont be upset you sent it. Sometimes we need to do what feels right to us at that very moment, even if it is a setback... truth is we are human! and we have human reactions... and considering what H did to you, you writing a not so nice email is not the end of the world. Strange part is in my sitch, when i get to the point where i tell H he is toxic to my health or I will not have him around baby, i usually see that h starts to come around a bit. maybe doesnt work the same for everyone but that's how it seems to work for me... now it doesnt stay that way, just sometimes cracks H bit to become more human and empathic to my feelings.

Sorry, dont know if that makes sense. Sad his parents have been silent. I do not know them and am not picking up for them, but i will share with you my experience with my IL's. When i recieved the D papers, I called my MIL and FIL, and MIL laughed (yes a chuckle) and said what did you expect. I was sick, distraught, saddened, felt betrayed by her and family... I have not spoken or heard from her in 6 weeks... Last week they came over and she admitted that she was upset and shocked by the papres, and didnt know what to say, so she backed off and was silent. Now, you and i, and many of us here wish our IL's would pick up the phone and say I'm sorry, but really is it their apology to make? and if they cry with you on the phone, does it make the OW disappear out of your H's life? What im saying, i guess, is that you shouldnt assume they are not upset or shocked or ANGRY with their son for what he is doing.

On a GOOD baby note: Kudos to you for doing the natural birth! my sister did it a year ago... as for me... they can drug me! I am looking forward to meeting my little man and like NM said, I heard that by the time you go through labor, you are no longer shy about showing some skin! But its sounds like you are having fun planning for your little one.

Are you all set? Do you have diapers and everything ready to welcome the baby home? Do you have support or family around when the baby is born...

Piano I don't see anything wrong with you getting p'o'd and sending that email. There are no setbacks- he is with OW. He has to end it with OW- this is so hard for us to see but we can't do anything to end their affair, only make it more difficult to stay in the A if that makes sense...a vet could explain it better.

I am not going to tell you not to think about WH because like I said before, that is just ridiculous--of course you will. Have you signed on to a baby online group like babycenter.com or thenest.com? It helped to occupy my time in addition to an infidelity forum website...

Hiya! he's super nice in person & been from the start, so it's permanent alright. It's his emails that are chilling. Like business correspondance. Very controlled.

He says it's her history, so it should be there. We were alwasy going double-barrelled hyphenated with my name last because it sounded better. I could still do that, and maybe drop the hyphen. Or I could just go my name. I know it would send a strong message to him if i disgraced him by dropping his name. It's a touchy point with him now.

So happy to hear this. Those six weeks of silence post the phone call must have been very distressing.

As for WAH's family..well, I was talking extended family...ones who I know could help protest the affair with OW as they are all part of the one family.

We don't know WAH's Dad, and his Mum I am bound to hear from. Just that my phone is off So far his Mum has been great and srongly disapproves. But she's never been one to protest the A. her morals are...well, dubious. Can see where WAH get's his from!

Nearly all set..car capsule and nappies and one or other two bits and bobs to go.

Need to make space now to practice my breathing!

Piano as the other guys here have said you are human, agood decent and beautiful human being who has been let down by the person you trusted most.You will do things that are not part of the 'advice'.
Would you really want him back?There is a good article on the www.midlifecrisismarraigeadvocate.com thats talks above love and hate and its very soul searching.Here's the link..
http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/Midlife-Crisis-blog.html
Hope it helps.

Jact,

the MLC link above was really interesting to read. Good Post! Piano... did you get a chance to read it?

Its a great website and I have read it several times.There is alot in there relevant whether spouse in MLC or not.Rollercoaster rider posts on these forums and she is responsible for all the work thats gone into the site so coming from someone who has been on our journey.
How you today Piano? Bet you wish the baby was here! You will be very tired now without all this nonsense.

Here I am! Well, had a good morning writing my birth plan. And then went back to bed..have been here a few days with a cold. Bummer.

Anways I did just read the MLC links - not that my H is a MLCer, me don't thinks!

These quotes stand out for me:

[b]"You feel helpless and hopeless and in desperation you may respond like a cornered animal--claws out, teeth bared."[/b]

"You need to take back your power and agapé is empowering, whereas self-pitying victim attitudes or acts of hatred such as retribution and vengeance are disempowering".