Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives Well here I am now. Moved over from DBD

Well Im coming over from the "Divorced But Not Done" forum.

Found out just a few days ago that she has in fact had an EA with her high school fling from 30+ years ago. I found this out post-divorce but it still hurts. Not 100% sure that there was a PA but anything is possible at this point because this could have been going on for years. And they both love to go to HS reunions. I can confirm that she was at least talking to him back in August 2009 and that was way before she dropped the bomb.

She is 100% convinced that she is still in love with him and wants to be with him. Unfortunately for her he is married and has five children. Most in College.

Here is my old thread:

Fast track to her divorcing me

Just a history of my situation:

In Nov09 my 54 year old wife of 23 years told me that she did not love me anymore and hasn't for past 10 years. Told me she wanted a divorce and with no discussion or argument. Told me she had her mind made up. She said this with a cold blank stare on her face and glazed over eyes.

I was devastated. Ironically we had a wonderful vacation together just the month prior and I thought we were getting closer together. Even ML.

I pleaded with her for five days to reconsider, to go see mc, go see md etc. I then gave in to her request as it was clear that she had made her decision final and did not want to work things out. I should have gotten a clue that there was a problem when she moved into my Son's old bedroom two years ago (due to my snoring?) when he left home. But NOT once in 23 years did she convey to me that she was unhappy.

I now realized our marriage could have been better. We lived
together as always but because I was confortable with where we were I never noticed that we weren't as close as we used to be. Always thought this was normal for older couples. I never dreamed that she would want to leave me and didnt love me however.

I never cheated on her. Never abused her. Never abused drugs or stayed out etc. We just werent as close as we first were. My worst offense was spending to much time on my PC. Im not perfect but neither was she. I see both our faults more clearly now.

Like many here, I feel she is either in MLC or is a WAW. It seems to me now like she had issues and just married me out of convenience. She knew she was going to leave years ago and just now got around to telling me. She wanted to finish raising our Son I guess (He is 20 now). That's admirable of her but she still should have told me 10 years ago that she didnt love me so I could at least have started dbing.

I now feel that I never had a snowballs chance in hell of restoring the marriage. Ten years is a long time to not love me. I was praying that it was MLC as this would give me hope of reconciliation.

Like many, at first I thought she had to be cheating. I didnt find out until two months after the deivorce that she did in fact have an EA and it is still ongoing. The secrecy from her regarding her PC, her phone and her Facebook thing gave me concern. Always trust your gut first. I have yet to find evidence of a PA anywhere but there is a strong possibility of it even though this guy lives in another state.

I just felt like my wife died and this other ugly and unfeeling person has taken over her body and mind. Ironically she is a sweetheart to everybody else.

Now that we are divorced I can deal with this better. But finding out about the EA opens a fresh wound for me. The EA was a dealbreaker so this is why I moved here.

She is moved into my Son's house and will be there for three years or so until she retires. Once she retires she will go back to her own hometown and I will probably never see her again. I would not be surprised if an OM were to show up way before then though.

Personally I have stopped DBing as of now and I hold no hope of reconciliation. I am done! I deserve better. I will not compete with a fantasy. And she needs to deal with her issues without me being around to have somebody to blame and play head games with.

Thanks for listening everyone.

Lots in your story that I've seen in others. One thing similar to mine is that after the bomb and I moved out I noticed my STBXW had been searching through Google and FB for the one serious boyfriend she had before me.

He's a doctor in the suburbs. That's all I know. I don't think anything came from it. Instead, she's taken to hanging out in biker bars 45 minutes from here -- an opposite direction from the old boyfriend -- because her best friend lives there and absolutely no one knows me, so she can do whatever without it getting back to me.

It's almost harder when they fantasize about an old flame rather than having an actual OM because the old flame will always be perfect. An OM will have actual faults and they may rethink things.

I guess the one consolation is that your kids are grown and there won't be separation issues. And no child support issues.

That's a small consolation though. It still sucks.

g450, Sorry.
But here, you, like all of us, will survive. And eventually thrive.That is classis WAW long-term planning as per MWD, as you know. You're probably right. My IC once said of my unsuccesssful DBing, "It didn't work, Gardener. It was never going to."
Sorry, g450, but this has PA written all over it, imo.Replaced by an exact replica alien. Yep. And, in my case at least, a sweetheart to everyone else just to prove, re-inforce the fiction that it's not her. So it must be me. Not many have bought that, btw. You do. And it's healthy that you realize that.
Good luck.

One thing I regret when I found out about the other man was that I called her the sl*t word.

I was thinking about sending her a letter just to appologize for that. I was not very nice when I found out and she came over to my house to confront me about it I let out a lot of steam.

I should just let it drop. And I suppose that sending such a letter would only make me feel better but also allow her more justification for what she has done.

Ill sleep on it for a day or two and decide. Opinions?

I wouldn't send the letter. Let it drop.
But it's your decision and sleeping on it for a day or to is the wise "48 hour rule," i.e., if it's a good idea now, it'll be a good idea 48 hours from now.
And may I ask how many of the wrongs she's visited upon you has she apologized for?
You're human. You were hurt and pi$$ed. And possibly, quite accurate.
imo, fwiw. my $.02, etc.

My opinion, definitely no. She's having an EA or maybe PA. Sounds like she should be apologizing to you, not the other way around. You were upset when you said that, and I think fully understandable. Sending that won't help, and will most likely hurt. Do what works, and that's not it.

Don't apologize. She needs to apologize to you.

You guys are right. Im throwing the letter in the trash when I get home. Thanks.

I have always tried to be the better person, the understanding one that knows she is ill. But when we get gutted like a fish it's hard to have empathy. Im done with that.

I really think I am starting to move into the anger stage with this affair revealation. It's makes it so much easier.

I remember she warned me not to call or say anything to her family. Im above that of course but how dare she insinuate I would do that in the first place. Either way, she no longer owns me. That fact just hasnt sunk into her brain yet.

Sadly, I still love the woman. But have no hope for her. And love without hope is very painful.

You DO deserve better. We all do!

g-
so sorry you are going through this. The suddenness of it is brutal.

I had a lot more time and warning - affair, reconciliation (after DBing my butt off) a few more great years, then H slowly slipping away without me noticing it.

Maybe it's because I had peace in my heart that I had worked so damned hard on my marriage, but when he left, within a couple of months I was realizing how NICE my life was without his negativity in it.

Now, I have no crystal ball - your wife might very well come back once the aliens let her go. Or she might actually have left years ago, as you suspect. There's no real way of knowing.

But I do know one thing - the only way to happiness is to LIVE YOUR LIFE TO THE FULLEST. Be everything you are capable of being. Work on your weak spots to use this experience to become a fuller human being. Take up a new hobby or restart an old one. (First time around, I trained to climb Mt. Whitney. This time, I bought a drum set and learned how to play in a rock band )

You may be surprised at what is waiting for you out there. My life is so full now I would never take my ex back in a million years.

Ellie