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Wow. Is this what's next for me? Picking over every little situation? Is part of the frustration that for more than 10 years you just worked each situation through and now you are having to put it down on paper?

Bill -

Chief is fine.

I'm sitting in a meeting so this will be brief -

I agree with all you say. There is still a lot of connection in our interactions. I don't entertain a hope for reconcilation in the future, but I do think that our future as co-parents will be good and positive. Is there a possibility of that door still being open? Sure. But I'm not going to focus on it or base my behaviors or choices on it.

I talked to her on the phone last night too, about other things, and it was a pretty edgy conversation. And in the end, I forgot to make the boys' lunches and had to do it this morning; I didn't sleep well, etc. So - yeah - better to focus the life I'm reconstructing. Would be so easy to fall back into the hole.

CTH - yes, I do feel that. Yes.

Anyway, smoothed over now. I commented on how eager she is to take me to my colonoscopy. Humor, always the reliable tension-breaker.

We'll work it out.

So here's the upshot.

I called STBXW to tell her I was on the way to get the boys.

She said - We don't need to make any changes to the agreement, and I will just trust you.

I think to some degree, that's what I wanted, after all this crap with the negoations - is to hear her say that. Maybe I didn't handle it in the best way, but I am glad that I stuck to my guns. Not because the actual point was important (because it really wasn't in the grand scheme of things), but because of all the other things; I should be able to say what I want without fear of "going to court"; some element of normalcy; some element of trust.

So - we still hug a lot.

Is this unusual?

This morning she kind of groaned and said something like "it's hard being a nun..."

King of the castle Cheif. Focus on you, your castle, and your boys. Your wife has her issues to deal with - on her own.

Bill, I thought I registered here ages ago but I just noticed how long you've been here - holy cow!

So I have to say that I'm jealous...I wish my STBXW said something about her being a nun in a way it's a huge relief. At the same time it must mess with your head wondering how long she'll continue to be a nun and if she's giving you a signal that she wants to be more than just a friendly ex?

How do you see it?

V1 - yep. You're absolutely right.

SR - went through this once before in '03, it didn't last long and didn't go very far before we reconciled. Seemed like the end of the world at the time, little did I know...

The nun thing? I don't know, I'm kind of indifferent.

What she says now is, she doesn't want a relationship, she wants to stand on her own. Circumstance or choice for her, since OM walked away? Don't know. The truth is, she's moving forward, and it's likely that sooner or later she'll have a relationship. She's already had one. For that matter, I had a brief one too (which still has a number of loose ends).

There's a line from an obsure song that kind of describes it: "Our little indiscretions are just spittle in the sea..." There's really a bigger picture at this point. (Works Progress Administration, "Always Have My Love", for anyone looking for new music to listen to... members from Nickel Creek, Toad the Wet Sprocket, and others)

But... the whole OM thing still throws me around the bend if I let it, so I guess it's a little reprieve from the immediacy of it, but to be honest the important thing here is that I need to progress to a place where it doesn't matter to me at all.

Does she want to be more than just a friendly ex? Well, I've said this before, STBXW lacks consistancy. And I know that she has strong sexual urges. And I know that she is still attracted to me (she's said this). And she's suggested at different times a - how would you put this - a "with benefits" kind of situation. For that matter, we've put that into practice once or twice. Not that I think that's what she would really choose except in moments of weakness.

And what do I think about that? Well, welcome to the land of the unhealthy, head-screwing insanity that I want to get away from. Not planning on it.

I think Bill may, maybe, be right, there might be some path to a reconstructed new relationship, if the planets aligned. But right now I think it's a poisoned well that could knock me on my butt again. I'm BETTER now than I have been. I think I want that more.

So, the four of us went to a school fund raiser thing tonight, "Luau night" - the boys had a good time, and I watched her be her, knowing we're not together. It's getting less painful, it's not really even hard anymore, but the hole, the something's missing, is still pretty big. We came back to the house, and they packed up to go, kids with her this weekend.

And I said to her, not in a mean way, just matter-of-factly (and we've kind of developed an understanding with each other for these kind of moments) "I hate you for this." And she asked me to let her know if I'm going to join them tomorrow night for a local "astronomy night."

We're a modern family.

The healthiest part of that whole last post is the final two paragraphs.


If you start pondering/thinkingabout/wondering/dabbling/fooling around with your wife now, I'm going to have to withdraw and never use again what I said to you about the potential here.


This is BAD mojo and not a path that will lead to good things. As soon as you start thinking more about hooking up with her again than you do your own well being, bad things happen.



Keep the focus where it belongs.


And no hanky panky. That puts the power back in to her hands.



Bill

You know, I'm really not. I'm realizing that I'm relatively content. And I see the damage it does to my state of mind. I think right now the path is clear to me.

I'm doing some home improvement this weekend. And I can make it to a yoga class this morning. That's what I'm thinking about.

I think the nun thing was a booty call. The hubby misbehaves and maybe she thinks a little sex will soften him up?