Did it again this a.m. FORCED my love upon him.lol. I think this is the right path--the more I think about it, I'm detached anyway (so the grumpy look and deep sigh didn't affect me a bit!lol)
I am trying to come up with a good script because I think he will have a little fit at some point that this isn't what he wants or...something...
But my Dear H, this is not all about you any longer. I have wants and needs also, and a healthy M includes hugs and kisses. I know I must have a script that offers him a choice.
Anyone have an idea?--I wish I was better at this. No wonder my M sucks.
"H, I want someone that accept my hugs and kisses willingly and actually enjoys them. I hope this person one day will be you."
I know there is a tv show, I think on HGTV where they come and help fix the unfinished jobs or the attempts made by do it your-selfers. Maybe you need to go on that!
What love language does he speak? Maybe you need to convey your wants and needs via that language. Otherwise sure, the quick little remark may just have to do the trick.
I wish I was better at knowing what to tell you but yes sometimes just putting it out there is all you can do. (Just so you know, I just took my own advice).
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Boy, count me in as one of the "neglected and starving".lol.
It was nothing major.
I've instituted giving a hug and kiss as he's leaving for work lately as an "act as if" habit. He has been ducking and dodging me quite a bit, but yesterday we had a pretty good morning and he was pretty agreeable to my request.
So this a.m. I said it again in a loving but no-nonsense way. He sighed pretty heavily and his expression was "pained". Poor dear--must be tough!
H is an HGTVaholic!! He can watch those shows for HOURS. I used to watch with him, but it depresses me to see FINISHED REVEALS. (in 1/2 hour no less.lol)
Maybe I should check out that one and tell him I'm applying to be on it.lol.
His main LL is Acts of Service. I'm not sure how I would convey my wants and needs via that language. Can you expound on that?
I offer to do things for him every day---some days he has me do only one or two things, other days he runs me ragged. My C actually told me to take care of ME first, because my H was keeping me busy all day long for months (why I nearly left him) and I was totally neglecting myself.
So I have "been there" with speaking his LL and it doesn't get me any closer to having anything finished around here. He just gets wierder and weirder in what he wants--like a little dictator with no one to tell him ENOUGH!!
Now I am eating better, sleeping MUCH better (he would come home at 10-11 and give me "things to do"!!) and exercising and I am telling him NO. He has been VERY sulky and VERY moody, and when I ask him what I can do for him today his answer is usually a curt "nothing".
I know I have to get better at this boundary stuff because I either will turn into a doormat again or I will completely go bananas and file for D myself.
I presume your "love, hugs and kisses" include all sorts of bedroom proclivities. So H is turning down all this and pulling away and turning his head, pushing you away, etc?
That sort of rejection is the worst. People think because its "your spouse", that the rejection does not matter. If that is the only place you get that feedback from ,that rejection will tear you down and heavily reduce your esteem.
Good luck in getting him to come around. As always the best way is to get him to want to do it without being pressured.
Yes, in previous times this would be quite painful. He hasn't touched me in months and yes, all my attempts, all hugs, kisses, etc, are met with rejection.
Detachment is a wonderful thing, no?!
I am a "thinker" by nature, and I have really been thinking about all the positives that come with detachment--it's made me feel SO much more free in what I can say and do. The rejection I am going through would have killed me before. Now I am more of an "outside observer" to my own sitch, which I LOVE.
I have been writing down scripts that will state what I need in a "no pressure" way. Control is SO EASY to convey and my H will NOT be controlled. I see clearly I have never done it correctly.
I think there may be a bit of a "take it or leave it" stand in my future, which is fine. My plan is to see if this will get better without going back to the C in the 6 months that I originally thought it would take (so that would be mid-June). But if I have to go back to the C and have him help me with my plan, that's fine too.
My C is the one that told me to keep flirting, touching as much as possible, etc and see if I can't get him to come around (his second LL is physical touch). And he said if I do this consistently, if it doesn't get to him, well, honestly, I'll have peace about not staying with this man. I see that too--very clearly.
Went to church this a.m. with S. The subject was marriage related, and I went up and spoke to a woman that stayed in front to go over any special needs or prayer requests. I briefly explained my sitch and my wanting H to come to church and she got me in touch with another couple that do counseling. They have an open time slot tomorrow and it is free, so I think I will go over and pick her brain for a while.
Honestly, I feel the advise on these boards is a lot of times better than a lot of C's out there. She did ask my if I had read the 5 LLs book, so at least she knows that.
I went one time to a C and I think I ended up teaching her how to help people in my sitch! She just kept saying "You can't go on like this for much longer". NO KIDDING!! I am not looking for someone to whine to, I am looking to WHAT I can DO!
Journalling: It's Monday again--I don't know WHY I'm surprised when he has a big blowout, but of course here I am caught off guard once again. (Mondays are his normal "blow up" day)
H went off--and I calmly gathered my stuff, told him my "script", and all he yelled as I left was "Don't take my van".lol. I NEVER take his van--guess he had to say SOMETHING.lol. But it wasn't the usual string of obscenities--so it is slowly working!
Left the house and was early for the counseling at the church. I met with a H and W team, they were very sweet--pretty good from what I could tell--but it's rather early to know for sure if they will be much help. Had a couple of book titles for me to look into and I will meet again in 3 weeks when they get back from vacation. They recommended that I laugh when my H makes one of his outrageous statements--I usually am so busy trying to "make it happen" or "understand his POV" that it isn't until later I can see how completely nuts it is and find the humor.
Just for example: My H this a.m. was looking at the finances and wanted to take all the money out of this one account that I pay bills with and leave only $1600 to pay bills the rest of the month and put the rest in savings (H LOVES to put $ in savings).
I told this to the counselors and they immediately started laughing. Then it occurred to me (I had been busy trying to figure out how I could juggle things around so it COULD happen) that, um, yeah--it's freaking hysterical!!
Do I need more detachment? I thought I was doing so good!
