Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again One day at a time....

Hi h4u and Rabbit,
Thanks for your thoughts.
H4U that is very helpful. Just to normalize the experiences, to know someone else felt a similar way, and that it can all be ok... those are the things I need to know right now. I had a "moment" this morning, getting teary about some of the hurt and lies, and H just held me and apologized...again. It was what I needed. We are getting there, I think we will get there. But it is so much harder that I think we both ever thought possible.
Finding the balancing managing our own emotions while processing the R stuff... tough balance sometimes.

You're not alone Rocked, I'm still dealing with a lot of anger and other emotions. Right now I'm chalking it up to the anniversaries: the bomb, separating, holidays apart, etc. But I know it's more than that.

I still have moments when I regret never having slapped BF's face REALLY hard and I want to do it so badly just to get it out of my system. But I can't because that time has passed.

I'm jealous of how H4U's W really seems to get it and is open to talking about things. BF still runs in the other direction at any mention of infidelity and that bothers me. But I know that it's only been seven months of piecing so I have a long way to go.

Oh, I was going to mention, I understand your feelings about OW being young, etc. Not that I've had children but I was very fixated on BF and OW's sex life and felt like I was being compared to her unfavorably.

Start getting yourself dolled up again because it will help you feel good about yourself. Self confidence is sexy so work on that. Own that body because it is fabulous, stretch marks and all.

I have a friend who is quite the ladies' man. He has literally thousands of women throwing themselves at him. What impresses me the most about him is that while he appreciates a beautiful woman, he doesn't like artificial beauty. He appreciates smile lines and grey hairs and curves (or lack of them in my case). So know that men in general, and your H in particular, can and do see you as one hot mama!

Thanks Pearl...
That is so helpful. You know, my H has told me that sex with me has always been way better than with her. I don't think he is just saying that, b/c it really is Good with us, and always has been. He said the 23 year old was so inexperienced and self centred that it really wasn't that enjoyable. He really doesn't care about stretch marks and all that, and I know he never has. It is more my issue, and I just have to get over it!
I know it is about attitude and self confidence, that is what I am working on.
If someone would have told me that I would be open to re-engaging in our sex life so soon after infidelity, I would have thought they were crazy! But I have felt like I needed to re-claim him, and we have had some of the best sex ever since our being married for 19 years.
We've had a good day today. Went to H's work christmas party and I got along great with everyone. H commented that he knows OW would have not gotten along with anyone there... hahah...got a good chuckle out of that.
onwards and upwards... one day at a time

Yay, that sounds like a good evening!

While you were out at a party I was crying my eyes out to the Sex and the City movie. Ah, I should know better. But sometimes it just feels good to have a cry and get it out of your system.

And I'm glad to hear your sex life is great. That's always what I thought would be the hardest part--far from it!

Hope you have something fun to do tomorrow too.

Rocked, If your H is being like this already, so soon post A, I think you guys will do ok. There'll be bumps in the road, no doubt, but from what you've posted, he seems to get it. Seems to be saying all the right things. But be careful, once the honeymoon period is over, he'll probably have a lot of stuff to deal with that he's not ready for.

I read one time that what us LBS' don't realize is many times, the WAS has as much or more chit to deal with than us LBS's do. And I think that's true. Not only do they have to deal with their emotions of dealing with the loss of a person that obviously meant a lot to them (so much so that they were willing to throw away their marriage for them) to then dealing with just what they've done to the one person that has stood for them through the worst thing you could possibly do to a person.

Keep working at it. It will get easier. And there will continue to be those triggers for a long time to come, but they get fewer and farther between and less intense as the time goes by.

Hope this helps.

Pearl, I am right there with you. There are so many times I've wanted to grab W and scream at her "what the F were you thinking?" But I know she wasn't thinking and OM was a pro and she fell for it. Don't get me wrong, I KNOW W was an active participant and she knew within ONE FREAKING WEEK of meeting OM that he was a player and was always looking for his next score and she fell for it anyway, because he was different and loved her. Makes me want to puke just writing it.

I wanted to reply to what you said above about being jealous because my W is open to talking about things. She is, but it's not like she enjoys it and when we do talk about it, I know it pains her terribly. But she will talk. I try to only bring it up every so often and to keep the conversations somewhat short. Don't want to overwhelm her and don't want too much info for me that I can't process it.

And I think your BF will get better. It took my W over a year before she's really talk to me about any of it. Prior to that, she was just like your BF, would run from, deflect, ignore any conversation concerning her A or one from anyone else for that matter.

One thing I did when she was in that 'I don't want to talk about it period' is I would wait for opportunities where infidelity was brought up (on t.v., co workers, etc) and I'd just throw out what Puppy likes to call "truth darts", and then I'd drop it. Not so much aimed at her, but at infidelity in general. Like when the Golfer Greg Norman separated from Chris Evert after their affairage had lasted a grand total of 8 months or so I said "did they really think it was going to last? Something that starts like that doesn't have much of a chance". And then I'd drop it. If she wanted to talk a little about it, I would listen and let her drive how much of a conversation it was. That seemed to give her the chance to determine when she was ready to talk about this stuff, at least in the early going.

Hope this helps.

Well hello "here" Rocked.

Yeah as mentioned, I think you're doing well - well being a relative word of course. Ms have a lot of ups and downs in the best of times, and post-A dynamics can add a crap load of stress to that, even disregarding the direct post-A angst.

Not that I'm an expert, but to me a huge sign of having healed majorly is when you can separate the friction M day to day from what happened.

The suffering is over, the pain of what happened will never fully go away, but that's not a bad thing necessarily. Many pieced Ms carry the scars of trauma yet are stronger than Ms in general precisely because of it. Nobody that goes through what we do is likely to take Ms for granted again. I think W and I have "pieced" about as well as can be expected in many ways. Doesn't stop the bad or angry moments from happening still.

Cheers.

Thanks H4U, that's a good idea. And I will continue to work on my patience.

Sorry for the TJ Rocked, back to your sitch.

No worries Pearl... that is helpful in general. I know there are times I want to shoot some "truth darts" too, and that is a good idea to look for natural openings.

To all of you who are posting on my thread, your insights and experiences are helpful to me right now. Our piecing is so fresh and new that it helps me to hear from people who have been at it longer. I am very grateful that my H is already willing to talk about the R. As a matter of fact, sometimes it is too much. He is processing a lot and has some huge wake up calls about who OW really is (her character... or lack of it) and the risks he almost took. As all of this has sunk in, he has processed a lot of it with me. That has helped us talk about our R. Most of this has been good, and healthy. We have been able to talk about it calmly most of the time. But, it gets to be too much for me at times, and then I tell him. He is now seeing an IC, so sometimes I tell him "save that part for your IC.. a little TMI for me" it it's about OW and the A.

We had a bit of an off day today. H was struggling with anger. I think he is realizing some of the weight of what he has done, doesn't know how to deal with it all, so it comes out as anger at times.

I had a rough day with finding the "reality" of the fact that the H I trusted completely for 18 out of 19 years of marriage cheated on me, and that fact is now a part of our lives that will never go away or change. Every so often the "reality" hits me like a wave, then settles out again. I assume that is common. How long does that last?

Also - H is now feeling quite dependent on me, very grateful I am standing by him, needs me a lot. At first, this was great... a bit of that "second honeymoon" thing. But, there are times I need space because the hurt and anger wells up so strongly that I just can't be around him for a few minutes. Usually I go in the bathroom or bedroom and let it settle. He seems to understand.

My IC tells me I need to be careful not to be there for him so much right now that I lose myself in this and not keep working on my own self care. I know that is true.

Anyway... just some rambling, journaling... whatever... it is getting late and I am tired

Keep the suggestions and pointers coming.... I appreciate them!

I know what you're saying rocked ... I think many of us do. The "rough days" will come, sometimes triggered by memories or places or things. In a way, knowing what happened in the A has a price.

I asked the same question you asked of a senior couple in Retro early on in my sitch. As she put it: "You're past the worst, and you're strong enough to deal with the truth, so here goes - it'll never go away." But with time, the suffering fades, particularly if you give it up to God, and you come to accept it as part of a process to be a better person, and as part of a possibly stronger M.

Till today, I still feel "it" when I think about stuff, that my W had forever made me a "betrayed spouse", had once chosen another above me. But each individual can then make a conscious choice to let that go, recognising it as a "fog" of sorts too, and to focus on the here and now to make the future better.

As a Christian friend of mine reminded me, Jesus took the humiliation of being spat upon and utterly debased before His death, and yet still prayed for the forgiveness of his tormentors. If you are a Christian, do you put yourself above Him then, that there are insults you cannot rise above?

Never easy of course ... but there you go.