Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers W still wants separation, need to DB more

Where does a poster on this board get the right to insult someone's wife like this?

I've followed this thread for a long time, and my opinion is that the wife is rather quiet and withdrawing. She may fail to say thank you or good-bye, but other than that, I think OIN and his wife have a pretty civil relationship. It is not for us to insult other peoples' spouses. Does OIN not have a right to make the decisions on how he will conduct himself at home? Is he required to follow the advice of people who post on this board, even when he has tried that advice and found that it makes his situation worse?

So what, "two wrongs make a right "in this case?

As I posted in your old thread, and was disagreeing with Allen, I still think that a "Hope4Us" approach, of patiently standing for your marriage and waiting for your wife to believe your changes were for real, WHILE CALLING HER ON HER B.S. WHEN SHE CROSSES THE LINE, I still think would be the way to go.

But that's just me.

Puppy

What about breaking her leverage points without sinking to her level?

Many of these WAS have obviously withdrawn, but they have a leverage in that they know we still want them. Its why they are comfortable putting us SPOUSES on the backburner, while they live their fantasy.

They also can have the leverage of children and/or shared properties or leases.

Do you remove these leverages?

Do you do it all at once in a fell swoop?
Do you do it in increments, over time and each effort is full and decisive?

How to change these WAS perceptions of us? Being in the LBS chair does diminish our image. How to reclaim or gain even a better image in the face of disaster?

Daddy, I'm not advocating "sinking to her level." I'm talking about staking out VERY basic boundaries about how civilly we should treat one another.

I could go back and pull out a DOZEN examples from OIN's prior thread, and from this one, but I have better things to do with my time than to beat a dead horse. OIN knows what the examples are, and he's choosing another tack that he feels works for him, which I will agree to disagree with, respectfully.

But I'm NOT suggesting "tit-for-tat."

Puppy

I'm not suggesting tit-for-tat either, just breaking or removing some basic leverages which are keeping you in trouble with her.

It may be benefitial to do this in some stage in the DB'ing process.

Update on how the rest of the day went (yesterday):

W let dog upstairs to see me. W and I laid in same bed as we fooled around with the puppy. W started to fall to sleep and eventually did. I guess I got a little too close and my W turned her back to me making noises in frustration so I asked "Did that bother you that much?" and she mumbled "ummhmmm." I got up and left the room so she did not get anymore annoyed by me.

Later on I decided to go grocery shopping. I walked in the room and and told her I had to go a couple places and she asked "where" so I told her. Before I left she was not feeling well and had mentioned that she think she needed to eat something(she had not had anything to eat since the morning).

When I returned home, I heated up a quick meal and fixed her a plate. She did not eat it right away but eventually did. Shortly after she rolled out of bed as I was getting ready to go to a friends bachelor party. We had a few brief conversations. She was nearly in tears in pain and wanted to hop in the bath. I was occupying the bathroom so I just ran the bath water for her...I then left.

Before I returned home many hours later, 10 min before she got up for work actually I brought her home a little breakfast and sat it on her nightstand. She ate it. My W asked me how it went and I told her the time I had. At one point it was very ackward because some of her co-workers were there.

My W was running a little late and asked if I could through a quick lunch together for her, so I did and she thanked me. My W did walk into the bedroom in her undergarments where as earlier in the day she tried her best to prevent me from seeing her in such wear...

My W walked out the door for work and I said bye and she did say "bye" in return, not in the most exciting tone of voice but she at least said it.

Thank you for following along. For the most part I agree with your comments. She has withdrawn drastically but we do still maintain a pretty civil relationship. There are time where I allow her to push my buttons and I would get defensive and cause her to lash back resulting in a backslide. Then there are the times where I noticed a positive and jumped all over it causing her to pull away and make remarks about separation and divorce ect..

OfficerInNeed. So far she's still rebelling, wants to feel independant and free of you. I found this link on another forum which shows how a guy handled a similar situation:

http://www.marriagemissions.com/why-wome...age-2/#comments

I can't understand why these WAW just can't give that feeling up and come on all the way home. Take the pain that you have to take, because obviously you cheated. Your spouse still wants you, and these people outside the relationship, mostly are just playing with you. Why do you need to feel like you get over on your husband? This is what I want to ask the waywards.

DLS if you really feel like this, you have a long way to go. Do you really expect someone to stop feeling the way they feel, to give up those feelings so that they can feel what you feel?

That sounds incredibly selfish to me.

Here's an idea, why don't you give up feeling the way you feel and adopt your WAW's feelings, in fact, it might actually help you DB even more than what you've currently been doing.

My W returned home from work and as usual immediately goes for the dog... I said nothing and allowed her to initiate the conversations, which we did have quite a few. At one point my W said that we should take the dog for a walk. About an hour later I asked my W if she was still in the mood for taking the dog for a walk and she said nothing...then I asked again assuming she did not hear me and said responded "hmmm?" then shrugged her shoulders and mumbled "I don't know" so I just got up and walked up the stairs and went in the bedroom....no more than 10 minutes had passed and my W walks up the stairs and asked me what I was doing, I told/showed her and then she decided she would go take a bath.