so far what I have told you and what gucci has told you and what steve has told you concerning your situation is pretty much identical to what has been told to so many other people on these forums, your situation isn't as unique as you tried to convince us.
But you tried to convince us that it was different and none of the other situations were similar.
You want it your way even when you're told that your situation isn't unique. You could have gotten this info from several other threads on this forum, check out BigJake, he just gave his wife the "exit" speech.
Wondering if this is something that pissed off your wife after being with you for several years?
I never used the word unique regards to my sitch...you are "putting words in my mouth" (or in my post). I DID say it was different, yes, because it is. It is were all the same then we should all be able to use the same technique and SAVE our marriages.
wow, he actually came up with himself folks, not bad, it only took umpteen posts LOL!
The secret is, you have to use the techniques that work, what you've been doing hasn't been working.
why only then? so if she shows you she can be civil every now & then, that's good enough for you?
You still don't get it.
How many hoops are you making her jump through?
NONE.
You don't mind jumping through her hoops, in fact you do it like a good little doggy.
Sure she enjoys it a little bit too although she won't admit it, she may not even be cognizant of it but she does enjoy the amount of control she exerts over you because apparently you jump when she asks you too.
And you cling to her random civil almost "nice" behavior as hope that she'll change her mind, and she's more intuitive to these things then you are and she knows that this gives you hope.
She is in love with her feelings, her emotions. You're trying to solve this problem with your logic.
Logic vs. Emotions
Which do you think is going to win?
Here's a clue, she still wants to leave you and move out and divorce you.
Agree with her feelings. Everytime you communicate that you want to remain married to her, that you want to work on the marriage, that you will improve yourself and change for her, you are communicating that you want this marriage and she is communicating to you that she doesn't want this marriage. So you want what she doesn't want. You aren't listening to her right now although she's being as clear as she can be, pretty much like you probably have always done with her, not listen to her.
How about for the first time in your life you listen to her. "Look wife, I agree with you, we can't fix this, and I'm fooling myself thinking that if I change and become Mr.Perfect that you will want to be married to me and this isn't what I want anymore. You are right, this is impossible, it won't work. Truth be told I want to be with someone that wants to be with me so I'm not getting what I want out of this either and I'm being honest with myself. I'm sorry that I haven't been listening to you. When the time comes, I'll help you move and help you pack your things. No hard feelings, maybe one day we can friends after all of this is done."
I do not communicate any of my desires to her about our M/R. I am making these changes for ME as well not just for the hope our M will work. If our M fails to improve and ends, I move on with the next, I don't want to be back on these forums again some day saying the same thing because I continued to be the same a**hole.
So you figure you can be selfless, really? How long do you think you can pull that off? No one does something for nothing for very long, human nature says we'll quit after a while when it's no longer profitable to do this. Your wife knows this too and when you bring up the changes you're making for her, she can't believe you, changes if successful are visible, you live them as part of your daily routine, if you have to tell someone you're changing or you've changed, you're actually communicating the opposite.
I don't tell my W I made changes...I just live my changes. Whether or not she believes my changes are real does not stop me from making them.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
so far what I have told you and what gucci has told you and what steve has told you concerning your situation is pretty much identical to what has been told to so many other people on these forums, your situation isn't as unique as you tried to convince us.
But you tried to convince us that it was different and none of the other situations were similar.
You want it your way even when you're told that your situation isn't unique. You could have gotten this info from several other threads on this forum, check out BigJake, he just gave his wife the "exit" speech.
Wondering if this is something that pissed off your wife after being with you for several years?
I never used the word unique regards to my sitch...you are "putting words in my mouth" (or in my post). I DID say it was different, yes, because it is. It is were all the same then we should all be able to use the same technique and SAVE our marriages.
yeah I know, you said "different", and that you had gone through alot of the threads on these forums and couldn't find any advice applicable to your situation.
why only then? so if she shows you she can be civil every now & then, that's good enough for you?
You still don't get it.
How many hoops are you making her jump through?
NONE.
You don't mind jumping through her hoops, in fact you do it like a good little doggy.
Sure she enjoys it a little bit too although she won't admit it, she may not even be cognizant of it but she does enjoy the amount of control she exerts over you because apparently you jump when she asks you too.
And you cling to her random civil almost "nice" behavior as hope that she'll change her mind, and she's more intuitive to these things then you are and she knows that this gives you hope.
She is in love with her feelings, her emotions. You're trying to solve this problem with your logic.
Logic vs. Emotions
Which do you think is going to win?
Here's a clue, she still wants to leave you and move out and divorce you.
Agree with her feelings. Everytime you communicate that you want to remain married to her, that you want to work on the marriage, that you will improve yourself and change for her, you are communicating that you want this marriage and she is communicating to you that she doesn't want this marriage. So you want what she doesn't want. You aren't listening to her right now although she's being as clear as she can be, pretty much like you probably have always done with her, not listen to her.
How about for the first time in your life you listen to her. "Look wife, I agree with you, we can't fix this, and I'm fooling myself thinking that if I change and become Mr.Perfect that you will want to be married to me and this isn't what I want anymore. You are right, this is impossible, it won't work. Truth be told I want to be with someone that wants to be with me so I'm not getting what I want out of this either and I'm being honest with myself. I'm sorry that I haven't been listening to you. When the time comes, I'll help you move and help you pack your things. No hard feelings, maybe one day we can friends after all of this is done."
I do not communicate any of my desires to her about our M/R. I am making these changes for ME as well not just for the hope our M will work. If our M fails to improve and ends, I move on with the next, I don't want to be back on these forums again some day saying the same thing because I continued to be the same a**hole.
So you figure you can be selfless, really? How long do you think you can pull that off? No one does something for nothing for very long, human nature says we'll quit after a while when it's no longer profitable to do this. Your wife knows this too and when you bring up the changes you're making for her, she can't believe you, changes if successful are visible, you live them as part of your daily routine, if you have to tell someone you're changing or you've changed, you're actually communicating the opposite.
I don't tell my W I made changes...I just live my changes. Whether or not she believes my changes are real does not stop me from making them.
Do you still communicate to your wife that you want the marriage to work?
If so, you haven't changed, regardless of what you just said.
Do you still communicate to your wife that you want the marriage to work?
If so, you haven't changed, regardless of what you just said.
No, I don't.
Also I got something good for you....
My W woke up to get ready for work and asked "Did you get any bread?" and I said "Yes" she failed to say anything in response so I said "YOUR WELCOME!!" and she said "geez"
LOL
Last edited by OfficerInNeed; 04/23/1006:10 AM.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Do you still communicate to your wife that you want the marriage to work?
If so, you haven't changed, regardless of what you just said.
No, I don't.
Also I got something good for you....
My W woke up to get ready for work and asked "Did you get any bread?" and I said "Yes" she failed to say anything in response so I said "YOUR WELCOME!!" and she said "geez"
LOL
I know females who do that. Its a high level of avoidance, at least with you. If you can tighten up your game in this presense, it will be able to stand a ton of negative attention and maintain yourself.
My W woke up to get ready for work and asked "Did you get any bread?" and I said "Yes" she failed to say anything in response so I said "YOUR WELCOME!!" and she said "geez" LOL
Hey, OIN - Glad you're getting a lot of good feedback, and differing opinions... I will offer something for Rob...
Confident, Secure, Moving on, Moving UP, Assertive...
Not...
JACKAS$.
Just sayin'...
You'll get this. Just don't take forever, my friend.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
yeah, after all the posts last night/early this morning I was kind of on edge and got a little excited... That actually carried on through today.
When my W text me, I gave one word responses. Me and my W arrived home at the same time and without knowing it I was being really stern with her.
Then I had a backslide...my W walked out the bedroom heading to the bathroom as I was walking up the stairs and she had her under garments on. She hastily went into the bathroom...I laughed and let it get to me. When she came out I said "You look good in that, too bad I don't see it more often" and she said "and you wont, treat me like garbage for how long?" and we had a little more exchange of who is acting like what right now...I eventually told her "Lets start the day over, I don't want tension between us and there should not be" all she said was "that's fine, don't worry about it"
Before I take a drastic approach that others have suggested last night, I am going to follow the advice of my DB coach, since I paid for the sessions I may as well apply what I paid for...plus I DO want our marriage to work.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
