Correct. The marriage is as good as ever. My cup runneth over.... Not one complaint. Life is good. Best wife a man could ask for. Wonderful loving mutually giving and receving, fun, exciting, passionate relationship.
Yep same old Gucci Looks like the ole Gooch does what works...
How bout you?
"My cup runneth over". I ain't gonna lie, I hope I can say that one day.
OIN, can I make a suggestion? You might want to start following and posting in other people's threads. That will help you to see how the conversation in your thread relates to your sitch. When one looks at other people's sitches, often what they should be doing seems so obvious. And of course the advice that so readily jumps to one's mind in that case is often the advice that we should be taking ourselves.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
How is your situation different? Why do you feel the conversation that has taken place doesn't apply to your situation?
- My W is still at home - Me and my W still do things with each other (Go places, watch movies/TV)
I am not saying my sitch is unique or different from all others but just from the one being discussed. If anything I am confused by my sitch and have read nearly every thread possible to find clearity. Yes I have found some that relate to my sitch but none exactly like it.
We only been married 5 months. We don't have children, we have a dog who my W treats like a child. My W has told me our marriage is over countless times but yet sometimes she speaks future tense and uses words like "we" and "our." Most of the time my W does not wear her wedding ring but when we go to events ect.. she puts it on. My W is counting down the days till she can leave but yet when I go upstairs she soon follows to see what I am doing. My W no longer wants me in her life once she does leave but when we go places or do something she is always asking for my opinion.
Then there are things like
My txt me when she leaves for work, arrives at work and is on her way home from work (more than likely habit) but very rarely responds to any message I send her (something I use to do to her). My W and I carry on a descent conversation before I/she leaves for work but refuses to say "bye" before I/She leaves (something I use to do).
Her behavior is very contradicting at times and I am unsure how to respond to it. If you read my previous thread, I would say the last 10 pages or so you will get a better idea of what I mean.
It is not that my sitch is unque but rather my WAS is unique...
Last edited by OfficerInNeed; 04/23/1005:04 AM.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
she's not unique, trust me, nothing of what you just mentioned is unique, instead of asking us to read 10 pages of your situation, why not spend some more time browsing the existing threads.
If your wife really wants to leave you, ask her when she's planning on leaving. Simple, direct, straight to the point. Ask her if she would like help packing.
You've been married 5 months and she wants to divorce you already, you're going to tell me there is no one else in the picture, no other man, she just wants to divorce you, what could you possibly have done in 5 months to drive this woman away? Were you physically abusive with her?
ignore her texts, no one says you have to respond to them.
And when she tells you the marriage is over "countless times", what have you told her when she says this to you? Do you argue with her and tell her she should hang in there and work on the marriage or do you agree with her? If it's the former, why not stop that and just agree with her, "yes you're right, it's hopeless, our marriage will never work", end of conversation.
And if she refuses to say bye to you when she leaves for work, it's disrespectful, and you put up with it which communicates to me that you're willing to be disrespected just to keep her in your life - how well is that working for you? This is just one example, I'm sure you're full of more examples of her openly disrespecting you.
I had another thread going in the A section of the forum. The A appears to be busted now I need to focus on DBing.
Quick history W wants separation/divorce after years of verbal, mental abuse and controlling behavior. We have been together for 10 years and W said it has gone on for the full 10 years. I took her for granted and made her feel unappreciated. We still had great times and never imagined life without each other. My W loved me unconditionally and just hoped one day I would change. Shortly after we got married she realized that things remained the same so she wants out of the marriage. Now my W feels as if 'she wasted 10 years of her life', 'we got married for all the wrong reasons' and my wife has told me 'I love you but I am not in love with you' , 'too little too late'
Currently we still live together. I have been DBing for a little over 2 months. We have come a long way but her mind is still set on leaving. We had some backslides in the process as well the most recent 04/08, 04/09 where she had told me 'it's over and there is nothing you can do' , 'my first step to happiness is changing my name' , 'all the changes you made is a front', 'you don't know the real me only who you wanted me to be' , 'It will take a lot for me to trust you again' and my W even did a search on how to remove her name from the mortgage.
As of now my W is waiting for the day she can move out and is counting down the days. The situation is, her father is currently remodeling a home where he will reside and my W will occupy the upstairs apartment. There is no set date but when the apartment is finished she will be gone and the process of separation will begin. There has been a set back with father's GF being in the hospital, somethings have been put on hold as a result and may buy me a little more time but I don't have much time left.
Throughout our sitch it has been a roller coaster. Some days feeling like we can make it. My W have become notorious for leading me to believe there is a future by speak future tense and once she realizes what she had said, she would flip it and say something suggesting she is leaving.
I have learned not to talk about the future and try not to pursue her.
Issues I had: - Controlling - Verbally abusive - Neglected W feelings - Anger problems - Took her for granted - Lack of appreciation
How I helped myself: - Took anger management course - Read text books on anger management - Gone to therapy to help with controlling behavior - Have found faith - discovered what it means to love someone unconditionally - I have gained a whole new outlook on life, love and marriage and there is nothing I want more than to reconcile with my W
I have an appt. with a DB coach this afternoon but I can use all the help I can get and thank you to all those who contributed to the other thread.
Do you ever feel when dealing with your wife that she makes you jump through alot of hoops? ex. If only you were more appreciative... If only you were nicer to me... If only you showed me you loved me more... If only you made more money... If only you did this better... If only you did that better... If only the changes you made were done earlier...
Then she talks about the future and then quickly backtracks to her current feelings, stringing you along, giving you hope and then yanking the carpet out from beneath you feet.
How does that feel?
Stop jumping through hoops, if she really wants to leave, help her pack and help her move out of the home.
Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? What a waste of your life? Why do you jump through so many hoops, becoming the perfect man for her if she keeps rejecting you? Don't you get the message after a while? She's trying to communicate very clearly to you but you keep ignoring what she's saying and continue working hard to keep her, maybe she doesn't want to be with you anymore? Is she allowed to change her mind or do you have to control her and her decisions.
Let her go and move on with your life.
Simple and counter-intuitive, you're agreeing with her feelings, you aren't controlling her, you're giving her what she really wants, to be free of you, and when she's free of you and you move on with your life, she will want what she doesn't have anymore because she will see that you aren't waiting around for her to change her mind anymore. You're a confident man who knows that life is too short to waste on someone who doesn't value them or the relationship they have with them and you know that there is only 1 of you and a 1000 like her or better waiting for you.
she's not unique, trust me, nothing of what you just mentioned is unique, instead of asking us to read 10 pages of your situation, why not spend some more time browsing the existing threads.
If your wife really wants to leave you, ask her when she's planning on leaving. Simple, direct, straight to the point. Ask her if she would like help packing.
You've been married 5 months and she wants to divorce you already, you're going to tell me there is no one else in the picture, no other man, she just wants to divorce you, what could you possibly have done in 5 months to drive this woman away? Were you physically abusive with her?
I have browsed, searched and read many threads.
My FIL is now the owner of a home that was passed on by my W late grandmother. FIL is fixing up the home to make it move in ready. My W plans on moving into the upstairs apartment once the home/apartment is ready. There is no set date but FIL is aware of our sitch is is trying his best to get his daughter out of a "bad situation." FIL GF is having health issues so it has set things back a little for FIL.
We have been married for 5 months but together for 10 years 2 months and 23 days. I will say for the better part of 7 years I was not the ideal boyfriend, fiance or husband. She was obsessed and very codependent of me. I have said and done some very unforgiven things but yet she still stuck by me hoping one day I would change. She thought the day would be the day we got married, soon after she realized I will always be the same person and nothing would ever change so she finally said she had enough.
I rather not repeat what I said to my W to drive her to this point but just know I was in the wrong and I am making every effort to save our marriage.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Quick history W wants separation/divorce after years of verbal, mental abuse and controlling behavior. We have been together for 10 years and W said it has gone on for the full 10 years. I took her for granted and made her feel unappreciated. We still had great times and never imagined life without each other. My W loved me unconditionally and just hoped one day I would change. Shortly after we got married she realized that things remained the same so she wants out of the marriage. Now my W feels as if 'she wasted 10 years of her life', 'we got married for all the wrong reasons' and my wife has told me 'I love you but I am not in love with you' , 'too little too late'
I'm not 100% sure if it was puppy or someone else but there's a very high chance of your spouse being interested in or actually seeing someone else when they say these "magical" words.
I love you but I'm not in love with you.
I care for you but I'm not excited about you. I know this because I'm currently excited by someone else right now and that's who I want and that's who I'm pursuing so please stop chasing me, I don't want you anymore, I don't know how else to tell you this and you don't seem to get the point.
I had another thread going in the A section of the forum. The A appears to be busted now I need to focus on DBing.
Quick history W wants separation/divorce after years of verbal, mental abuse and controlling behavior. We have been together for 10 years and W said it has gone on for the full 10 years. I took her for granted and made her feel unappreciated. We still had great times and never imagined life without each other. My W loved me unconditionally and just hoped one day I would change. Shortly after we got married she realized that things remained the same so she wants out of the marriage. Now my W feels as if 'she wasted 10 years of her life', 'we got married for all the wrong reasons' and my wife has told me 'I love you but I am not in love with you' , 'too little too late'
Currently we still live together. I have been DBing for a little over 2 months. We have come a long way but her mind is still set on leaving. We had some backslides in the process as well the most recent 04/08, 04/09 where she had told me 'it's over and there is nothing you can do' , 'my first step to happiness is changing my name' , 'all the changes you made is a front', 'you don't know the real me only who you wanted me to be' , 'It will take a lot for me to trust you again' and my W even did a search on how to remove her name from the mortgage.
As of now my W is waiting for the day she can move out and is counting down the days. The situation is, her father is currently remodeling a home where he will reside and my W will occupy the upstairs apartment. There is no set date but when the apartment is finished she will be gone and the process of separation will begin. There has been a set back with father's GF being in the hospital, somethings have been put on hold as a result and may buy me a little more time but I don't have much time left.
Throughout our sitch it has been a roller coaster. Some days feeling like we can make it. My W have become notorious for leading me to believe there is a future by speak future tense and once she realizes what she had said, she would flip it and say something suggesting she is leaving.
I have learned not to talk about the future and try not to pursue her.
Issues I had: - Controlling - Verbally abusive - Neglected W feelings - Anger problems - Took her for granted - Lack of appreciation
How I helped myself: - Took anger management course - Read text books on anger management - Gone to therapy to help with controlling behavior - Have found faith - discovered what it means to love someone unconditionally - I have gained a whole new outlook on life, love and marriage and there is nothing I want more than to reconcile with my W
I have an appt. with a DB coach this afternoon but I can use all the help I can get and thank you to all those who contributed to the other thread.
Do you ever feel when dealing with your wife that she makes you jump through alot of hoops? ex. If only you were more appreciative... If only you were nicer to me... If only you showed me you loved me more... If only you made more money... If only you did this better... If only you did that better... If only the changes you made were done earlier...
Then she talks about the future and then quickly backtracks to her current feelings, stringing you along, giving you hope and then yanking the carpet out from beneath you feet.
How does that feel?
Stop jumping through hoops, if she really wants to leave, help her pack and help her move out of the home.
Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? What a waste of your life? Why do you jump through so many hoops, becoming the perfect man for her if she keeps rejecting you? Don't you get the message after a while? She's trying to communicate very clearly to you but you keep ignoring what she's saying and continue working hard to keep her, maybe she doesn't want to be with you anymore? Is she allowed to change her mind or do you have to control her and her decisions.
Let her go and move on with your life.
Simple and counter-intuitive, you're agreeing with her feelings, you aren't controlling her, you're giving her what she really wants, to be free of you, and when she's free of you and you move on with your life, she will want what she doesn't have anymore because she will see that you aren't waiting around for her to change her mind anymore. You're a confident man who knows that life is too short to waste on someone who doesn't value them or the relationship they have with them and you know that there is only 1 of you and a 1000 like her or better waiting for you.
There is your advice.
These, Yes. If only you were nicer to me... If only you showed me you loved me more.. If only the changes you made were done earlier...
The others, No.
If my W had shut me out completely and everyday told me she was just counting down the days and if she was a complete B*tch never wanting to communicate, spend time together or be around me then I would certainly take your advice.
I want to save our marriage and I can't see where telling her she is right and that we should divorce would help our sitch.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
