M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Last night, after a pretty major and long R talk/argument, she came to my "jail" to say good night. Well...one thing led to another.
It was reassuring to see that she could break her fears for the night, at least.
Yes, I do need to keep working on myself - I'm sure of that. If I listed my faults, my list would be endless. If I don't consider what she wants and what aspects of "us" cause conflict, how can I work on them? As far as she says, the only problem is the addiction. Not respect. Not independence. Not condescending tone of voice or anything. Just one problem. We wouldn't have fought had there been just one problem.
I agree, she is hurt. She feels that by not having the strength to just stop without fully dealing with underlaying reasons that I am choosing the addiction over her. So if I see it her way, then I can even understand her POV.
If I understand that in the context of having some major self-esteem or other issue, then I have to either accept her as she is with that problem, or keep encouraging her to solve that problem, too. I'm pretty sure it says in DB that once the R is more sound, then both parties can discuss mutual issues.
I'm not blaming her - sorry if it appears as such. I don't agree with throwing away hope and a M because I have a problem, either.
The "addiction" is pornography? Can't you just stop that and maybe spend a little more time with your wife and put that attention into her?
I'm afraid she is right, but don't think so. I think I'm more afraid of a self-fulfilling prophecy - if she thinks it to be bad, it might just become.
So far, I've been able to get much more clarity to why I have the problem I have. I've been able to destress a bit, and got a small amount of work that had been stressing me out of the way. This despite her telling me she would call the D mediator, and having quite a few heated (and long) arguments.
The "addiction" is pornography? Can't you just stop that and maybe spend a little more time with your wife and put that attention into her?
If you asked me a year ago if it was a true addiction - I'd laugh. Now, I feel really depressed.
I had lots of excuses, but I'm going through them and I will succeed - God willing. I have the will power to not make it a daily thing, even it was in my head. If I could just stop - I promise you I would.
I need to get it out of my head, not just live in an internet-controlled prison. Thanks for the reminder, though. I've reminded myself a million times or more, but failed.
Well, for most of our M, no. We had almost nothing except arguments. When it happened, it was tasteless - just the act. Mind you, I never felt any love for her until this year, so our whole M was kind of strange anyhow...
Now, things seem so different. Sex is great and "creative". It certainly helps to have that in pulling me away. If or when we are out in the clear from the threat of a divorce, I'm sure it will be even stronger of a pull.
Had an intimate encounter yesterday eve. W expected that meant I was now feeling great and ready to come back from my "give me some space to cool off" separation.
I said it didn't because I still need the time to deal with the stressors that have made it hard for me to keep a lid on my feelings lately (work, possible move, etc). Offered to avoid sex if it is too powerful for her, but reminded her that it does help me solve my problem.
So, she reacted very strongly. Wanted me out of the b'rm. I reminded her that I would move to the basement, but that she had wanted to go to the kids room.
So...trying to be patient. Trying to be consistent with the plan she and I agreed on last Friday.
Talked for 2hours after work. I thought things were going better, considering. I asked her about 3 things she had asked for near the close of our R talk
1. Do you want a greater separation? She said no. 2. Do you want me to sleep in the basement instead of the b'rm? I then added that I would if she preferred it, but I'd rather use the b'rm cause my focus is getting rid of stress, not getting back cramps and that she had initially wanted to sleep in the kids room.
The conversation broke down there with her concern over me locking the door for mental privacy during the remaining 8 days of semi-separation.
She called back to give yet another ultimatum: her & the M under her rules (no locks, spend time with kids) or end the M.
Threats, threats, threats. Nice way to help me deal with what felt like a near breakdown.
I have this terrible feeling now every time I read someone else's disaster in M that perhaps my M is just not fixable. I'm trying so hard to forgive, to not let her words get to me, but they just sink lower into my stomach.
Given what is going on in the M I think no locks is a very reasonable request. Why should you have to lock the door for "mental clarity"? Hmmm......
OTMT- women find sex very bonding and emotional. There actually is an oxitocin release for women. So of course after sex she would feel lots of emotion for you. I think you should recind the seperation if she wants to. How is a seperation going to heal the marriage? Seperation to me is a form of rejection, esp. if only one person wants it.
I dont' get that....
Anyhow, good luck with everything.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
