Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Time for darkness.... (thread number 3)ears open

I didn't see any list of the ways you pursued her. It is WAY more than text or phone calls.

You have helped her with her resume, met her when and where she wants you to be, talked about her b-day (her b-day should be ignored and not mentioned) and basically you gave her a full access pass to all your potential future plans.

Your W has zero interest in working things out with you right now. That much is obvious. What she does want is somebody to fall back on (you) and she likes having somebody around when she needs/wants them (financial help, resume help, sex, lunches and dinners out and an emotional sounding board when she chooses). Otherwise she wants nothing to do with the M. She gets jealous of you talking to other women because she is nervous she will not be in control of you anymore if you find somebody else.

I don't think what you are doing is DB'ing at all. The two of you are spending way too much time together, you are doing what she wants and when, you are talking and communicating way too much and that is not good.

Let her know you might give her a call in a few weeks once you get settled in your new job then drop the rope, block her from your phone and focus on you. I guarantee if you do that the drama on her end will increase 10 times over. And you will ignore it all.

Yes yes yes citygirl! I agree!!!!!

On a side note, I'd love your input on my sitch.

thanks for pointing that out ms. C.G. *sighs*

It is really really hard not to help. Or want time with her and things like that. I feel so guilty about some of the things that occured between us.

The thing I feel most guilty about is sd8. Second not getting her the antidepressants. There are so many little guilty feelings I have. I wasn't an awful H I think for the most part I was pretty good but I could have done alot better.

the drama will increase if I do that? I can't take anymore drama. that's part of the reason I've started just not argueing anymore.

I really do think the meds are affecting her too. She is supposed to be on a freaking antidepressant with it. *sighs*

I feel really powerless in this situation. But the only thing I can control is me. I just have to keep saying that repeating it and trying to appply it.

I'm going to read your new thread sometime tonight

It is really really hard not to help. Or want time with her and things like that. I feel so guilty about some of the things that occured between us.

Only you can answer the question why you crave time and attention from a woman that has given you a STD, cheated on you in multiple ways, left you and has treated you poorly? Why do you crave time and attention from a woman who has not done right by her children and does not take care of herself?

The thing I feel most guilty about is sd8. Second not getting her the antidepressants. There are so many little guilty feelings I have. I wasn't an awful H I think for the most part I was pretty good but I could have done alot better.

You and your W both have lots of issues to work out as individuals regarding your children. It is a terribly, terribly sad situation. Why is it your job to get your W AD's? It is not? Just like it was up to me to get mine. Yes, my mom stepped in and took me to the dr but after that it had to be all me.

the drama will increase if I do that? I can't take anymore drama. that's part of the reason I've started just not argueing anymore.

Her drama will increase and it's not your problem. It doesn't matter if the two of you argue or not, the drama still exists. The massive amount of phone calls and texts is honestly ridiculous and very unhealthy. A grown man giving a grown woman a phone battery?

I really do think the meds are affecting her too. She is supposed to be on a freaking antidepressant with it. *sighs*

Again, a grown woman who is aware of her medication regime and chooses NOT to follow it. Her problem and one you cannot change until SHE is ready to take control of her own life. You think things are getting better and they are not. You may not be arguing but all the bad behavior is still very, very present.

I feel really powerless in this situation. But the only thing I can control is me. I just have to keep saying that repeating it and trying to appply it.

You have total power over you, you just choose not to use it in a productive way as it will piss of your W. Have you sourced and read the article topics I suggested?

I think it is very, very important to understand what you are doing is not DB. You are taking what you can get and your W is pulling all the strings.

Yes youre right. I’m going to try harder. It hurts so much to just watch her fall apart. It’s like she’s dying on the inside. Everytime I hold her most of the time she justs starts crying and pulling away. It’s like seeing me for periods of time or talking to me makes her see reality and she doesn’t want to see it. Sometimes she’s just talking to herself. As much as she loves SD8 I know she wouldn’t just give up on her like that. They were inseperable. She feels like she’s not worthy of being her real mother. She tells me all this stuff and it makes me really really sad. It’s like as long as she doesn’t have to see me or the kids then she pretends it never happened. Most of the time she is sleep or eating or just staring at the t.v. She has not had another P.A. since the one guy. The E.A. yes but she said she just needs someone to talk to. She makes a crazy amount of calls on the phone. I mean it’s ridiculous how she says she wants to be alone but if she’s not talking to me she’s talking to someone. She is very lonely. I don’t know how to help her. I used to could bring her out of it but it’s like she’s far too gone and I’m too sick and stressed myself to get her out of this funk she’s in. She is dying inside. I can see it and feel it. *sighs* What do I do. I pray everyday for the both of us and the kids.

sometimes the truth is hard to accept, it's quite possible you're holding on to her and won't let her go, time to let her go, she isn't happy with you and she suffers being around you, your changes won't make a difference right now, time for you to let her go.

So much here I can't even begin to get to it all.

So I will pick one thing.

The birthday. She is telling you not to move, that she cannot be without you, wants to work with you, be stuck to you like white on rice....

Then you say you want to see her on her birthday, and she flat out refuses? Cause she has to spend 24 consecutive hours with her family and there is no negotiating?

Umm...does that mean you are not considered 'family'? Cause I know in past years when H and I had a real relationship, I could sure manage to eat dinner with him and my parents at the same time...or make some other arrangements.

To totally shut it down reeks of OM to me. That she will be/wants to be with someone else on her birthday, not you.

Then to contact you later and decide she does want to go out? Wonder if OM plans fell through...

I could be wrong but that's how it looks to me

there has been tension with me going over to her mothers house for a long long time. I am blamed for everything that has happened.

No matter what she has told them about how she made the decision to sign away SD8 on two different occasions (I wasn’t there either time she did it) I’m still blamed for it by her family as well as sd8 paternal grandmother. I’ve heard her argue on the phone with her family and sd8’s paternal grandmother about it telling them I had nothing to do with it. I simply took SD8 to the office like she asked me to.

Its the same over here. My mother has flat out said right now she should not be at this house.

It is what it is.

Nobody in her family even knows we still talk or go out. I don’t even know why WAW goes around them but I know she’s lonely and that’s her family and she has to deal with it. I don’t want to go over there though even if I was invited. The main reason she goes over there is to see her twin nieces and younger sister who is going away to college soon.

There’s not a single woman in that house who is in a relationship. Not a single one. They ask her to do stuff like watch the nieces when they have to go to work and she washes her clothes and eats sometimes over there so I guess it works out. But when she needs them they are never there for her. Like I stated earlier there was already a cps case in the works with SD8 because her sister just flat out refused to take her to school even though SIL nieces went to the exact same school. Or she would drop them off and pick up HER NIECES and not SD8. Or drive right past our place or waw job and drop SD8 off at the house making us have to go get her. When she got really sick and went to the hospital several times and SD8 needed to go to school and I had to watch over WAW, they still would not take her. We had to take her out of school totally because they were going to file truancy and possible jail time for WAW.

There is something going on with her that I cannot fix repair handle etc etc. She has to do it herself. She doesn’t even really want to celebrate her bday at all. She says she feels very old and it’s just another day. Then she states she needs to be cheered up and we can do something Saturday. I don’t know if she is hitting MLC or not. She’s been acting extremely weird.

A lot of times she just calls me crying talking about SD8, her feeling old, her family, how she is a failure and hasn’t accomplished anything. How she deserves to spend the rest of her life alone because she has been an awful wife and mother and daughter. How she misses the boys. She asks me how my dad is doing because they were very close. She keeps saying she’s going to go to counseling but never does. She is just wasting away. Staring off into space with a blank look on her face. Tears just flowing. I don’t honestly know what to do.

She asks me if I think she’s still pretty. If she’s gotten fat. If she’s a good mother. All this types of stuff all the time. She even told me if she ever got pregnant again she would abort it because she would just mess up again like she’s done with SD8. And I KNOW that’s not how she talks. Her mother coerced her to have an abortion when she was 18 or 19 and she still cries about that. She tells me her head always hurts. She’s losing it again. She says she knows E.A. O.M. does not care about her but it just feels good to have someone pretend to be nice to her.

She rarely leaves the house anymore. When she does it’s either to go to the library to fill out applications, over to her mothers house, or to see me. When she’s at home she doesn’t even use the phone that much unless she’s talking to me or her family. Ocassionally a brief 10 min conversation with O.M. The longest has been 20 mins. The other numbers I’ve seen are other family members she’s reconnecting with. That’s all she has on her F.B. too.

I really really really don’t know how to handle this. Her hair is falling out again. She’s barely eating and when she does she just pigs out. It’s like she’s trying to punish herself. Her alone time consists of her sitting in her place and crying. Mutual friend told me this as well. She also told me that she’s pretty much lying about the R with O.M. because she sometimes feels like she doesn’t deserve to have me in her life because she has failed as a W and H and that she needs me in her life. To not turn my back on her because when she tells her about me she talks about how I’m always there for her. I’m her friend and won’t let her down. She talks about our dates in great detail and how they cheer her up and make her feel like somebody really does care about her. I was like pretty much floored.

I really really really don’t know what to do. I’m N.C.

James, all I read are excuses, excuses and more excuses.

Stop making excuses for this woman.

they are not all excuses. she does need to treat me better. she does need to change. she does need to get the freaking help. But how can she treat me better if she's not even doing what the heck she's supposed to do. She was supposed to get the antidepressant and go to I.C. a long time ago. That falls on me. I was supposed to do it and take her. I signed the forms saying I would as her caretaker and medical poa.

When they put her back on her current pill I was supposed to go as well to give them the medical history and what she was supposed to do and what other doctors stated. I did not do it.

I feel really really bad. I talked to our I.C. counselor the other day the one we had when we were going for cps and she also stated she was concerned about worried because her behaviour was extremely erratic during their last few sessions. She could not delve into details but she's extremely worried and said that she also gave her a referral for patient outcare.

She asked me what medicine she was on and about the pill she was taking. I told her. She said the symptoms are very bipolarish. I told her with that pill and the lack of antidepressants she's always that way.

in her mind she's "better"

i've somewhat gotten a handle on my diabetes but im working on that as well.

I'm really in a jam. If I work the job i have 5 weeks of trainnig. I don't know how to fit the surgery in. I still have to see the neurologist get this insurance and try to work.

I really really don't know what to do. I'm very frustrated and there's so many things and goals i'm trying to take care of