Thank you SO MUCH to all who have posted. I knew this would be a great place to be.
trytry- as for a reason why I've been unable to forgive and move on........I guess I was simply crushed that she would share something so intimate with someone else, regardless of the situation or how it happened. I'm sure insecurity plays a small part. From the first year of our relationship, the thought of her being with someone else sexually made me sick to my stomach. From the first day, I always tried to show her I never wanted to be with or share myself with anyone else either.
I think another issue is that she kept pressing the issue and did not respect my views on it. I was just in shock that she would do something like that in a touchy issue like this. I also felt betrayed that she would even consider "experimenting" with someone else alone while I was lying in our bed at home.
I agree on your thoughts on "threesomes" in relationships. They're called "fantasies" for a reason and usually they are best to stay just that.
soleil- I feel that, at this point, this is more my personal problem and don't know if I am able to ask her about MC. In most other parts of our marriage, things are pretty solid and stable. With IC, I guess I felt I would want to tell her about it and that I was going on my own. The more I think about it, the more inclined I am to check into IC.
dday- You are 100% right that we need to talk consistenly about things that bother us. After a few times of reliving the incidents and talking about it with her, she got more upset each time and said she couldn't do anymore to help. That's why I've not brought it up again with her.
Awoken- Within the first few months of everything happening, I talked with her about how I felt, how it affected me, etc. and asked questions. After that, I tried other avenues other than bringing it up again with my W. I read Michele's "Change Your Life and Everyone In It.", I wrote a "final letter" about the issue to my W to let out anger, bitterness, resentment and then tore it up. (I knew some who had tried that technique).
I had a lot of conversations with myself to remind me that forgiveness is a gift for ME and that I needed to do that. One thing I never did was talk with anyone else. I felt embarrassed to say this to my friends/family or anyone else. That's why I came here.
timeheals- I am agreeing with that more and more. I do certainly have a lot of anger over it. I just hope I could find a C that has the same foundation beliefs as DB does.
MrBond- I already feel that everyone's 3rd POV here has helped me get started. In all honesty, I think the triggering is the worst part for me. I can go days without thinking about what happened, have a decent day and then the slightest thing will bring it right in front of my face.
It seems there can't be a day where I don't see or hear something about 3somes, bisexuality or have my W say or do something to trigger. I feel so petty when it affects me that way, but it ends up making me put W at arms distance again. It's awful.
To go back to what trytry asked, "Why can't you forgive". I am fearful to let go and forgive in fear that I'll get hurt again and come crashing hard again. I'm in defensive mode all the time and its seriously hurting myself, her and my M. I lost a certain degree of trust in her and am afraid to give that back.
But, that's why I'm here!!! I don't want to live like this anymore.
